Something Different

It’s almost been two months since my husband passed away and there are things I still find myself hiding from because of guilt and also fear. There are days when I am so happy, filled with joy and excitement for the new things I am doing, and there are days like today when I just feel so sad; that’s when these kinds of feelings rush in.

Guilt; you’re not my friend.

cropped-il_570xn-447226895_97t32.jpg

I cancelled on a friend. I was scared. I felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong. I kept playing the scenario over and over in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I just wanted to hide away. I often wonder when I will be ready to be able to do those things without feeling guilty. I wonder how long it will take until I fully have the freedom to live without guilt because he isn’t here anymore.


 

I have been so impatient with myself and this whole grieving process. It’s so new to me. Who knew that someone who was always emotional is now having a hard time expressing her emotions and knowing that it’s ACTUALLY OK TO? 

It’s like I am trying to hide behind this fake persona at times. (But I know I’m not.) There really are days when I feel so happy. I guess in “hiding” how I really feel at times helps me from falling into that victim trap and keeps me from shutting everyone and everything out. I can’t help it at times.

There are things that I am excited for, for it’s bringing my life freedom. There are things that I still fear, for it makes me feel uncomfortable. There are things that I am ready for, and things I find myself shying away from because I am just not ready… I wonder when it will be.-Stephanie


The days are getting better. I am getting stronger.

I take a good look at my life. Though so many things have change, I still find myself holding on to the past; to my husband. I find that I am ready to move forward, yet there are certain things I am not yet ready for. Something so small, yet a big deal it is to me. God knows my heart and sees it all. He is my shield. 

cropped-il_570xn-447226895_97t32.jpg

Jehovah Magen:

God is my shield; my protector


When I needed You, You showed Yourself. You revealed Yourself to me in a mighty way. You reminded me that a shield You are for me. In my heart You placed this word, a true revelation it was. I was in awe; for what You revealed to me is what I needed at that very time. You amaze me; it never fails. You show up in my life, the very thing I need. I have everything in You. This is true. 

Something Different

I did something a little different with my blog. I just wrote without having a plan of what to write. I just let out what I had so heavy on my heart lately. You know what, it actually felt good.

I feel like I have been breaking free from patters and routines. I have been learning that my relationship with God is more than being inside four walls. I have been breaking so many barriers off my life that it is leading me to fully and fully trust that God is always with me and not just waiting inside a church building. It’s been so refreshing.

My life has been taking on some amazing changes; I like to call it renovations. I am doing things not on “script,” but things I am feeling led to do. I have been praying. I have been seeking His wisdom and guidance.

My life is NOT THE SAME, ANYMORE. I am not the same person. 

To be continued…

…Breaking the cyle. 

Just Like A Rose

I never figured out where my love for flowers came from.

They are elegant.

They are beautiful.

They are uniquely created…

Just like you and me.

Created differently, yet wonderfully made.

We are God’s creation.

Written by: Stephanie Ann Hernandez (Pequeno) on June 21, 18
Inspired by: A photograph I took of a rose and my love for flowers.  

 

In My Writing

In my writing is where I find you. It’s where my heart becomes so vulnerable in Your presence, sharing the deepest parts of me. I pour out all that I feel and everything else. You know all things before I even speak or even write. Yet you desire to hear all about it. I sit before you with my fingers on my keyboard and you stare at me with a deep desire to read what I am about to type. How you take delight in me, this way. Your love for me has no end. Your heart rejoices when I pour my heart unto you. Your heart rejoices when I open mine up and trust you with what I share. You’re my safe place, no other place have I known. I trust you with what I share, because I know You will never remind me of it. You take the darkest stories of my life and cast them into the depths of the sea, remembering them no more. Oh, how I’m in love with you; you with me. -Heart of Grace

He Delights In you

For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.-Zephaniah 3:17

Like a parent who sits eagerly waiting to listen to what their child has to say, even though they already know, so is our Heavenly Father. He takes great delight in sitting with you hearing all about your day, about your life, and especially about the most vulnerable things.

God is the only safe place. 

The Hurting

“Hurting people desire to have a safe place. A place where they can release what they feel inside, without being judged or having things thrown back in their face.”-Stephanie

In this world there are a lot of hurting people. I used to be one of them. I never had that safe place where I could pour out my heart. Counseling didn’t help. I was always so closed off.  The times I would open up, only left me hurt even more, as what I would share only turned into a weapon against me.

Writing has always been my “safe place,” that’s helped me let go of what I carried inside.  It was then that I started feeling free.  It was my way of not holding anything back. I found freedom in writing. Even more so now that I have God in my life. I write to him, knowing that nothing will ever get out and that He will never throw it back in my face.

He is my refuge, He is my safe place to be myself and be vulnerable. 

When all else fails, let Him be your safe place. Let Him be the that place where you can open up and share your heart’s deepest secrets, deepest pain, deepest parts of you. He delights in you. He desires to hear all about your troubles, your joys, you. Let His love be your healing. Let His open arms be your strength. Let His eyes see you with acceptance and worth. You are loved.

In letting go, is where we receive.

Trust In Him

The Lord looked at you with favor in His eyes.

As you placed your trust in His hands, He closed His & sealed it with a kiss.

He looked at you with a smile on His face and said aloud, “thank you.”

Written: August 4, 2014
Edited: January 6, 2018

 

Written by: Stephanie Ann Pequeno

Inspired by: Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. 

 

As I go through my poetry, I am reminded of what my heart’s desire really is. My passion for writing is evident through every word I write. My expressions through my writing are far more profound than verbal words could ever express.

I read each word in my poetry and I am immediately taken back to when I wrote it. How real my heart was for God. I have come along way. I can clearly see how much God has delivered me from. I have grown. I am clearly not the same girl as I once was. I write to God, I write for God. It has always been my form of expression; of intimacy with Him.

I miss it. I miss pouring out to Him the deepest parts of my heart.

‘I have trusted Him through it all. Since the day I placed my trust in His hands, He has kept it safe.’ -Stephanie

Saturday Morning

I woke up today feeling tired. My body didn’t want to get out of bed, sick I felt. I turned to You and you were there; already waiting for me You were. I sat comfortably at your feet and calm, relaxed and secure I felt. You’ve always been my safe place. I closed my eyes and all that I felt quickly faded away. My lips could not say a thing, but my heart called out to you. You know my thoughts, you know my feelings, you know all things even before I say a word. You comfort me in your arms, I am safe. I am safe to feel what I feel. I am safe to express what I express. I am safe to show you who I really am. I am safe. I need You today, I need You always. The day is gloomy, but I will rejoice. The day is gloomy, but my soul will be strengthened by your joy, for You have promised that your joy is my strength. -…Heart of Grace

Mentally Tired

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28

It’s not very often that I wake up feeling the way I do today. Today, I set my alarm to wake up early, but of course all I did was snooze the alarm until I finally just turned it off. I stayed in bed, I feel asleep until I was finally awakened.

Waking up later than I actually planned made me feel like I have already wasted the day. In my mind I have it like this; Wake up early and I feel accomplished because things get done. Wake up a little later and I feel the day is wasted and I lack motivation to do anything.

The reason being, it takes me awhile to fully wake up and get going. So the earlier the better. I don’t know why I have this mentality. This past week, all I have been doing is thinking about how things will get done, I how will do this, how I would do that… My mind has been non stop.

There was a day that He really broke me and corrected my way of thinking in a certain area. He showed me where I have been wrong and how I have been depending more on my own abilities than in Him. Especially in the area of provision. It was like I had been trying to take care of myself, because I didn’t trust anybody else in that area.

I had realized the root of it.

 

My Will Not Be Done

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.-Proverbs 16:9

This is so fitting for me right now. It seems like every time I plan my day and write down the things I want to do, they never happen that way. God is such a wise Father that He interferes with our own plans, because He has something so much better.

But how often do we see it that way? How often do I see it that way? Not as much as I should, to be honest. I become frustrated, I become overwhelmed because things are not getting done. Sometimes all I can hear Him say is, “REST.”

My day didn’t start off the way I thought it would, neither has this year, but I know it’s for a reason.

I have come to realize that I have been in a season of fully trusting God, His ways and definitely His timing for everything. I admit that I am impatient and stress when I don’t see things when I need them. That’s when I try to figure things out on my own. I was like that yesterday.

The Pressure Build Up

I exploded on my husband yesterday. I manifested what my heart had been holding in. I lashed out in frustration and overwhelmed. We traveled to his appointment, in my heart I didn’t want to go. The thought of all the other appointments we would have to travel to just overwhelmed me even more. I was worried about gas, I was worried about so many things to the point where I felt the need to take up the burden and figure things out.

All it did was make me even more stressed and overwhelmed. I was beginning to question God, again. I broke down & I asked for forgiveness.

God has not let us down. He has been providing for us everything that we have been needing. He has even placed people in our life to bless us. The fact that I became that way, was the proof that I had pushed God to the side because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it.

I am the last person who should try to take control of their own life. When I do things just go wrong and I am led astray. It seems like, since we have been home, I have reverted back to how I was. The comforts of home have gotten in the way. I don’t want to be like that.-Stephanie

 

Starting Anew

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.-Philippians 3:12-14

Perfect? No. Make mistakes? Always.

Each day is a new beginning, learning from yesterday helps prevent the same things in your today. The past is gone, there is a new day in front of you. Today I woke up feeling the aftermath of what happened yesterday, but I have chosen to press forward and no longer look behind me. God has something for us. The key is trusting His timing and allowing Him be the guide of our lives.

The love of anything can come between you and what He has for you. When we take up that burden of trying to figure things out, we are saying to Him that we do not trust Him and that we can do a better job at it… that’s a lie. 

I have known and seen that He does a better job for me and my marriage, than I ever could. Why is it hard to trust him in this? Taking care of me and what I need. I guess it’s been my “love.”

“It’s all about order. Placing God as the head of your life, things falling into place and begin to flow as they were meant to.”-Stephanie

He Loves Me

Feeling emotional and wide awake, I come to you. I hear you calling me, out of bed I am. I desire to be with you, to hear your voice and see where you’re leading me to. There is a new season around me, inside me. It’s something I cannot comprehend, but I know in the right time I will. You’re calling me; with all my heart I say, “Here I am.” Expanding my horizons You are; bringing me out of the shell I had wasted so much time in. You’ve opened doors I never imagined. I am overwhelmed by You. Lord, you’ve seen all, you know all. I have recognized it’s because of you, I have endured and made it through. Your unfailing love, no one can take that revelation, that conviction away from me. For I have experienced it many times; you’ve made your love known to me. You Love Me.- …The Heart of Grace

Wide Awake

Lately I have been spending more time with God in prayer and study time. I have been learning so much about who I am in Him and how much His love is true, in my life. With every obstacle, every situation has come His unfailing love.

The love that never fails. The love that is always there, when nothing or no one else is. He is love. In this season I have been in with my husband, all I could feel is His love and support. Things have been falling into place so effortlessly. It’s as if we are walking and things are just falling into place as we continue forward in the way God has for us.

We have been trusting God through this entire journey. Not once have we, or have I doubted Him, on the contrary. I have learned to step deeper into His truth, his word. I have learned to trust Him like never before, and He has not let me down. Trusting wholeheartedly in God has opened many doors and has set so many things into place. We are being taken care of by our good, good Father.

This New Year

In this new year, I believe with all my heart that it will not be like any other year. It will be a year of restoration, a year where God will finally make all things new. In this case, restore what the enemy has stolen from my marriage; what the enemy has stolen from my husband.

Intimacy. Health. Determination. Purpose. Life. 

We have been faithful, acknowledgment from God himself. We have received a word from Him telling us that a lot of things are about to change, and we believe it. More than ever, we are determined to stand strong together and walk into the new things God has in store for us. (This year of restoration, I believe is for ALL who have been faithful and who have been trusting in Him, especially through the difficult times.)

What wins the battles is our obedience to Him. 

What Was Once Lost…

Intimacy. God has begun restoring that area in my marriage. Not only sexually, but also reconnecting me with my husband and him with me. We have this new affection for each other that had been lost in everything that has happened with his health & the selfishness I had carried in my heart during that time.

These past few weeks, God has been correcting, removing things and remolding me, as well as him. Our minds are not like they were. Our eyes are not seeing the bad like before. We have this joy in our hearts that has given us the strength to fight this good fight, together. I don’t feel alone anymore. I have the spiritual support from my husband, because I know he is reconnected to God; now more than ever. We are walking in order.

God blesses when things are in His order. 

His Joy Has Been My Strength
The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.-Psalm 28:7

It’s something I cannot explain, for it’s something that is meant to be experienced. It’s a peace in the middle of the storm that assures you that everything will be ok, when all that is around you is a chaotic mess. It’s being able to stand tall when everything or everyone around you is trying to pull you down. It’s being able to say to God, “I love you and I trust you,” when all your flesh wants to do is scream out, “I give up!” It’s being able to sing songs of praise; gratitude to Him when all you want to do is cry and break down in defeat.

Many times have I wanted to walk away, not being able to handle the pressure. Not wanting to deal with the inconveniences of the problems. It was because I didn’t know how to deal with those things. Though I have wanted to walk away so many times, it has been God’s love that has kept me where I am . It’s been His love for me that has disciplined me and corrected me. It’s His love for me that kept me from falling into the pit that was waiting for me the moment I decided to walk away. It was Him, He is love. 

I Am Not The Same

It’s evident in my face. It’s evident in my speech. It’s evident in how I now carry myself. I know who I am and whos I am. I know who is for me and not against me. I know who has watched out for me and my husband; our marriage this entire time. The things we have experienced and witnessed, nothing or no one can tell me that God isn’t real, because only He could have set all those things in place, protected us from harm and opened doors that were desperately needed.

“I have made Him a promise, I will not stay silent and keep to myself all that He has done us, me, in my marriage; in my husband’s life. These things are too great to keep to myself. What God has done for us, He desires to do for everyone else, everyone who will humble themselves and acknowledge that they need Him, His help.”-Stephanie

 

Lord, I Am Grateful

Here I sit, reflecting on the goodness of my Father. As I stare into the trees, I am reminded of all that we have overcome; all that we have endured. Not once were we alone, not once were we facing this trial alone. “I am grateful,” my heart joyously proclaims. I am grateful for the battles you have won.-Wife, You’re Not Alone

A Heart Of Gratitude

I find myself drawing my strength from a song. It’s been one my husband and I have been clinging to these past few weeks. When listening to it we can’t help but be grateful for the good and especially the bad; (this journey.)

Gratitude has helped us maintain an open heart to everything going on and has allowed us to really see God’s goodness manifest in our lives. 

We have understood that some things we face are unavoidable. They are things we must face in order to strengthen us and prepare us for something greater God has in store for our marriage. The perfect example of this is found in the life of Jesus. He faced the ultimate trial for you and for me. (Going to the cross for us.)

During this journey; the road to restoration, God has been opening my eyes and heart to understand His plan for me and my marriage. It’s been difficult, as my flesh has kicked and screamed; saying, “I can’t handle this anymore.” It’s been a lie.

God has never given me more than I can handle, and has not led me to a place where He didn’t provide a way to overcome it. -Stephanie

That’s what I have been seeing. Especially in my husband, the one who’s literally going through all these changes, in his health and body. I see how God is faithful in my husband. I am encouraged and daily given the understanding I need to be there for him and no longer see this as, “overwhelming.” I now see it as a growing opportunity and a change to mature. (That, I have been doing.)

All this has been a blessing for my marriage. It has brought my husband and I closer. Especially since we have been living away from home since his surgery. We have learned to truly rely on each other and be there for one another. It’s what we needed; unity, the sense of oneness.

His Way Is Not Our Way

“My ways are nothing like your ways.” says God.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:8-9

How true that is and how much we have been seeing that recently. I have had it in my mind how I expected things to go, how my husbands healing would manifest. I prayed so hard for things to turn out how I wanted them to, or how we wanted them to. That’s not what God has done. For our prayers, mine especially were selfish. I prayed for things to happen a certain way, because deep down in my heart I wasn’t willing to face certain things. I wasn’t willing to endure the hardships that would come along.

(November 21, 2017)

I am now a firm believer that God chooses not to reveal certain things to us for this very reason. I told my husband the other day that if I knew what our marriage would be like right when we started dating and the things we would be facing now, I might have walked away. (In all honesty.) I would have seen it as “hard.”

23795612_304288146758094_6047259788643939663_n

Top Pic: (When we first started dating) Bottom Pic: (November 23, 17)

Because His ways are higher; He chose to allow us to go through it, instead.

It takes a strong woman to go through what I am going through. I do not say that with arrogance, but with humility. I have been humbled by all of this. I have been disciplined and corrected. I have said this before, the last thing my mind wanted to do, during all this was walk away. My heart has been opened in many ways. Ways I thought were already opened.

I have grown to love and appreciate my husband more and trust God’s timing. My heart desires so many things, but during this season all I can hear God say is, “nothing is in vain and I have given life and life in abundance.” -Stephanie

All I can do is continue to praise Him through all of this. All I can do is wait on His perfect timing. All I can do is stand by my husband’s side during this time and see God manifest in ways we never imagined. Lord, I am grateful.-Stephanie

 

Grateful

by Elevation Worship

This is the day, that You have made
Whatever comes, I won’t complain
For all my hope, is in Your name
And now Your joy, awaits my praise

I give thanks, for all You have done
And I will sing, of Your mercy and Your love
Your love is unfailing
Lord, I am grateful!

When I was down, You brought me out
You set my feet, on higher ground
So here I stand, You are my God
Your faithfulness, my Solid Rock

I give thanks, for all You have done
And I will sing, of Your mercy and Your love
Your love is unfailing
Lord, I am grateful
I give thanks, for all You have done
I won’t forget, all the battles You have won
Your love is unfailing
Lord, I am grateful!

And as we lift our hands up
The heavens open, heavens open
So let our lives declare the love
Our God has spoken over us
And as we lift our hands up
The heavens open, heavens open
So let our lives declare the love
Our God has spoken over us!

I give thanks, for all You have done
And I will sing, of Your mercy and Your love
Your love is unfailing
Lord, I am grateful
I give thanks, for all You have done
I won’t forget, all the battles You have won
Your love is unfailing
Lord, I am grateful!..

No One Is You…

 

22228614_279644075889168_6561842772855785158_nMy darling, if only you knew the power there is in simply being you. I designed you like no other. Open your eyes to see the person you’re meant to be. Deep down inside I know there is a desire to separate yourself from the current of trying to be like someone you’re not. How hindering it is, and how light dimming it can be. What’s inside your heart? Just like the flowers of the orchard are not the same, so are you. Stand on the roof top of this world and shine the light that radiates from within. Hold your head up and walk the in the confidence that you’re enough; that being yourself is enough. -…Heart of Grace

It seems like as I wrote this, like it was directed to me. Lately I have been in a place where I have been doubting myself, because of the mistakes I have made. It seems like every time I make a mistake, I automatically compare myself to someone else; someone who seems to have it all together. I start questioning my own abilities and who I am supposed to be… I start comparing myself to them.

I have learned that comparison is another way of saying, “limitations, limited.” It has happened more than once, that I begin to compare myself, and then try to imitate what others do. I got no where, all I ended up with is unhappiness. Why? Because I wasn’t being who I am. We were created to be different. We were created to stand out from the rest, but in humility. God created us differently for a reason. To do what others cannot do.

We each have been given gifts, talents, ideas, dreams… things that no one else has. So when we start to compare and imitate others, we actually become limited & hindered.-Stephanie 

See, regardless of the mistakes we make, we are still ourselves. The very person no one else can be. Our mistakes do not define us. God’s truth does. 

The poem at the top, I believe is from God’s heart, to everyone. “If only you knew the power there is in simply being you…” In other words, if only you knew the amazing things you could accomplish and so on,  if you only knew and valued the person you really are.

Gifts & Talents

I ask this question in hopes of you remembering the very desire that once got you excited and motivated; What is it that you want to do? What do you feel called to do?

I ask myself the same question. I was reminded of who I am and what I’ve been called to do. It happened two weeks ago. It was during the time when I felt so discouraged and ready to give up on EVERYTHING. I literally mean everything. Because God is so good and so loving, He didn’t let me.

He doesn’t let us walk down a path that will only harm us. He loves us so much that He does His part to make sure we walk in the purpose. We are all meant for something; some are meant to become doctors, while others are meant to be: pastors, artists, bakers, etc. There is no limit as to what you can be, and who you can be.

What are you good at? What have you given up because you’ve compared yourself to others? What has the opinion of others caused you to stop doing? 

 

This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God have you… -2 Timothy 1:6

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. – 1 Corinthians 12: 4-6

 

So that no one can boast or so no one can hinder another, it is all from Him and because of Him. People are not the ones who have given us our gifts and talents, therefore they cannot stop us from doing what we are meant to or be the person we are supposed to be.

Therefore, the opinions of others, the ones that are meant to hinder, are not valid. 

It is not by our works or what we can do, but by Him; the one who sees all things through and who has the power to put into place our very path.- Stephanie

So, I, encourage you to take some time and think about what it is you’re meant to do, who you’re meant to be. Think about the gifts and talents you have and put them into motion. “Fan into flames…” Worry not about who’s around, what they think or say. You’re you and that’s power within itself. ❤

 

Quotes

“Don’t occupy yourself with another person’s assignment; stay focused on your own.” -Max Lucado 

“Imitation, is limitation.”-Joyce Meyer

Love Note

There are so many things I wish to say. So many things that flood my heart today. Darling, you, are wonderful. In my eyes all I see is beauty & strength. You roam around with your head held low, but this should not be. Deep within you is a gem, for the world to see. I linger around you, whispering how wonderful you are to me. Lift your heard my darling, for the world to see who you are, to me. Brave you are, amazing you are, lovely you are, courageous is what you are. 

My darling shine. Shine like the jewel you are, for nothing can dim the light within.

…Heart of Grace

Before sitting down with my cup of coffee, I felt in my heart to write some kind of “love” note for anybody who needed it. The poem above, is what I feel God wants people to know. That you, yes, you are wonderful. That you are beautiful, that you are a gem in His eyes.

I know I would have loved if someone told me those things back when I struggled with depression. Knowing someone thought of me that way would have kept me from feeling alone and  rejected.-Stephanie

You may feel the way I used to, and you may feel like you’re alone and unaccepted, but I want to tell you, you’re not alone and you are accepted. You are chosen. He sees you through eyes of LOVE, through eyes of compassion and through the eyes of desire; desire to know you and you know Him.

You have so much more to offer than you may think. You have so much to show, than you feel. Let nothing or no one dim the light that is already within, but waiting to burst through.

I look at the image below, and it reminds me of the story of David, when he faced the giant. He was fearless, he was brave, he was bold. David knew who he was in Him and knew who God was. He faced the giant face to face, when other men, much older and trained were afraid to face the giant themselves.

Some of the giants we face, are what we think of & how we see ourselves, or the worry we have of the opinions of others. Such things can hinder the person we are meant to be and it can keep us from reaching our fullest potential. BE BRAVE. BE BOLD.

If only you knew the one who has called you and who goes before you, then you’d know the victory is already yours. -Stephanie

So rise like David did in the presence of the giant. Rise in the presence of the insecurities. Rise in the presence of the fear. Rise in the presence of the storms you’re facing, because you know who you are and who God is. You know the victory is already yours. 

1 Samuel 17

A New Day Horizons-Breaking Free

It’s a new day. As the sun shines bright, so is the fire burning deep within me. A new day horizons, so is my longing for you. I have been wandering around, this new person I no longer know. I sat at your feet, reflecting on who I have become, but her, I did not recognize. I felt like an outsider, in a home I have known. I looked around as though I didn’t know where I was. Like a little girl, I hid my heart. I felt afraid, I felt alone.  I have let so much time separate us. 

I look ahead, I look behind; I see where I want to be, yet captivated by the past. In the middle I remain. What is more important to me? The person I know I should be, or the person I used to be. Nothing good comes from the past. For looking back, I have become a statue; stuck in the same place, I cannot move.

I turn my eyes to you, where my help comes from. My heart yearns for you. Who I have become, I no longer know. It’s not me, it’s not who I am meant to be. I surrender my will. I surrender what I desire.

My feet are free, I am able to move again. No longer a statue, no longer stuck in the same place. 

…Heart of Grace

Written by: Stephanie A. Pequeno

September 21, 2017

This poem is an illustration of what I have been going through. Lately I have found myself being this person I do not know. I have been doing things I normally wouldn’t have been, and desiring to fit in. That’s not me. I have been forgetting the real me, the person that is meant to stand out, rather than fit in.

I have been stuck in the same place, because looking backwards gets me no where. This, I already know, but I continue to do it. Why? I have let a single person influence me, and their opinion of me, I held tightly. Not anymore.

But who are we, people? That our opinions should matter so much? Or that we should worry so much about the opinions of others and determine our walk at life by what others think or say about us? Why do we care so much?

We are afraid of being alone and rejected. We based our lives on what others say, when in reality they are living the lives they want. -Stephanie

Break free from that cycle. Break free from the mold. Break free from the worry of what others will think or say about you.

 

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

He rejoices over you, He rejoices in the person you truly are, the very person He created you to be. He looks at you through eyes of Love and falls more in love with you. He holds you in the palm of His hand, never to let you fall. He knows what you’re capable of, and desires to help you through. -Heart Of God

There’s one opinion that matters, the opinion that is never changing and always remains the same; the opinion of God.