The Life I Knew

When I close my eyes all I can see is the chaos around me. I am reminded of the pain I feel and the brokenness within. I cried out to You; all I could say was, “I am broken.” Emotions going wild, feeling so many things at once. You have been my stability. You have been my comfort. You have been the only safe place for me to run. It hurts. How long will it last? My life at the moment is me here and You on the other side of this current hell. I am scared. I am alone. One step in front of the other; You’ve given me the courage to move. As I step on this narrow road, there are no safe rails. The only sure thing is You. One step after another I draw closer to you. Things rise up attempting to keep my eyes off of you. Anxiety attacks, but You shield me and I am no longer afraid. I am walking towards You alone, apart of me has gone. My breakthrough is coming. I know You will see it through. I trust You.

Life Alone

The last thing I want to be doing is writing. The last thing I want to be doing is planning a Celebration Service. Lately I have found myself doing things I don’t want to me doing, or I never thought I would be doing.

I have been sharing my journey about my husband stroke and believing for God to manifest a miracle. He did, just not how we prayed for. My husband went to be with God almost a week ago and I can’t begin to express what I have been feeling.

I have felt shocked. I have felt scared. I have felt alone and I have felt angry. I have cried out to God telling Him this isn’t how things should be! I never expected to be a widow, now. I didn’t expect for my life to be broken this way.

As days go by I am getting stronger, still it stings. My life partner taken away, when all my faith and hope was in him getting better here. Doubt began creeping in and I felt myself having a hard time believing what God said or has been saying. I felt cheated out of so much, especially out of a marriage. I guess I still feel angry, but I am surrendering it to God. I don’t want a bitter heart towards Him. He is the only one who has been strengthening me during this difficult time.

The Shock

My husband going to be with the Lord, left us all in shock. Some of us taking it harder than others. I am definitely one of them. He was my best friend. The one person I had been able to open up to and who had been there for me for the past eight years! Taken! The one who helped me walk with God. The one who was a big part of my spiritual growth… simply… my BEST FRIEND. I felt lost. I still do, to be honest.

Last Sunday, I felt myself in a state of panic. I was crying and felt as though I was going insane. The enemy has been using the reality of it all to torment me. It wasn’t until I heard God lead me to say certain things out loud; helping me to accept the reality.

“He is no longer here, he is now in Heaven. I am no longer going to see him here at home. I won’t see him when I go to bed and when I wake up. I will do things without him and there will be things that will remind me of him. There will be moments when I will think about him, but he will not be here. I am planning his service and I will be ok.”

These are some of the things God led me to say out loud. Once I did, I felt a peace come over me and an acceptance of my current reality. The enemy had me in a faze, keeping me from accepting it and every time I would snap out of it, I would remember and just breakdown.

I had to disappear a few times while my family was over to just cry and pray. Loss, especially of your spouse is HARD. My supposed to be life partner. We were supposed to do life together. We were supposed to serve God together. We were supposed to do so much more than we did!! That makes me angry, and it hurts. 

Writing

The very thing that brought me joy and the very thing that I have loved to do, had now become the very thing I didn’t want to do. It was my husbands joy to read my blogs and anything I wrote. I can still here his words of affirmation and how my blog blessed him. This is the first blog, where I now know he is no longer here. I won’t be able to ask him, “Babe did you read my blog? What did you think?”

I still remember the first time I showed him a writing of mine. He was the only person I had ever shown. I trust him with everything. He was my truest best friend, in my entire life. That’s what hurts me the most, not having that anymore.

Writing reminds me of him, but all my writings for God. More than ever, I know I need to keep writing and share what I am going through, because I am not the only one going through such things. It hurts. Again, it’s the last thing I want to be doing, among a few other things.

I want to write and let out everything I feel, until I am no longer broken, until I am no longer hurting, until I no longer shed a tear; until I can finally think of my love and just smile.

His Heart & Life

My husband always had a heart for God and for people. His character, his personality… there isn’t a person who wasn’t impacted by the person he was. He gave his life to serve God and others.

He helped me in  many ways. I didn’t know until recently, that when he and I met, he was determined to help me and help me walk and grow in God. He literally did. He was my first real friend there, when I began attending the church. He knew all my secrets. He knew my past. He knew everything about me, yet he still loved me; unconditionally. Through him, God poured out his real love into my life. I knew acceptance, and I knew worth.

My husband has been used by God to bring healing and restoration and to show me that a woman could be respected, loved and truly cherished. I have been thinking about that lately and I have realized that through my husband, God set a standard for me on how I should be treated and see myself. He has shown me who I am and my worth. It has taught me to no longer feel the need to depend on another man, like I used to.

He has given me the courage to want only Him. He has healed that part of my life. He has strengthened me and set my true identity into motion. I don’t need another relationship to feel whole. I just need God.

I was my love’s first love. He waited on God for me. That I will always cherish. There is a quote I recently seen and it made me think of him. He would tell me how God told him I was the one. He was and will always be that special man to me.

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A Widow, But Not

The first thing that hit me hard was, “I am a widow. I am alone.” I took that pretty hard. I lost my best friend. The life I knew, immediately shaken and broken… until I received a revelation.

Jesus is the ultimate GROOM. I am His bride. I am not alone. 

I made a promise to myself that I want to live with the same kind of heart my husband had. I want a heart after God’s and for people. I want to honor my husband like that. That’s something he taught me. That’s something he imparted to me. That’s something that helped me grow in God and find that healing and restoration. I want to be able to do that for others. To be able to love them past their flaws, their past and help them see who they are in God and how God sees them.

He would always tell me how God sees me and he would live it out until I started believing it. Love was the hardest thing to accept, yet he was always patient with me. That’s what helped me open up more and more.

That’s how God is with us.

His love is patient… it never ceases and never gives up. 

 

 

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Best Friends since 2010. Love of my life since then.        Alfredo Hernandez Jr. April 16, 1979-August 31, 2018          I love you babe. See you later! 

God looked around his garden
And found and empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth,
and he saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering,
He knew that you would never get
well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb.
So He closed your weary eyelids,
and whispered “Peace be thine.”
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

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He is rejoicing with God, now. He is healed and free from sickness. He is finally worshipping God with so much freedom. That makes me happy. I know as days go by I will be stronger and ready to face new adventures, together with God.-Stephanie

Peace In The Storm

A quiet night, alone I am; no one else around. I am emotional, I cannot deny. I want to cry, yet I want to stay strong. I have said time and time again, when you cry you are strong, but why do I try to avoid it? When I cry, I feel. When I cry, it hurts. When I cry I am reminded of what is happening around me; in me. I am comforted, yes. When the tears roll down my face, I feel relief and the pressures go. It seems like I am no stranger to tears and tears to me; oh how well acquainted we’ve been this past month. No one knows, only He. No one knows the reason for these tears, but He does. That is enough.

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Wife You’re Not Alone

It’s been a little over a month since everything happened. Days of brokenness, days of joy, days of chaos and days of peace; I have experienced them all. ✨This week has been the most rough of them all. I haven’t been able to eat right because my stomach had been in “knots” and anxiety was trying to make its home in my life and the thought of loneliness was becoming invasive. 

Because God is a mighty God I have been experiencing peace in the midst of all this. I have been experiencing God in such a way, that makes me feel WHOLE. Every void in my heart and my life, He has been filling it with more of Him. 🌸 I have learned to be real with Him. I have learned to express myself and just be simply honest with God about what I am feeling and what I “hate.” Yes, I finally broke down and told him the thing I hate. ✨ It wasn’t until I confessed that thing hidden that I began to feel free. All the chaos in my this past week led me to this confession: “I HATE BEING ALONE.” 

Then I heard this question; “Then why do you always insist on always having your alone time and isolating yourself?” ✨ I didn’t realize how pushed away from everybody I had been. I didn’t realize how isolated I have become, that being around people without my husband, hurt and all I wanted to do was hide. ✨THAT IS NOT FREEDOM, at all. (I would always tell my husband I wanted alone time. Now that I have it, I don’t want it. I just want him home already.)

“Though I still struggle with a bit of anxiety, I am experiencing PEACE. I am learning that I can have peace in this storm. I am learning that I can enjoy being out and about while in this storm. I am learning to enjoy everyone around me while in this storm. ✨THAT IS FREEDOM.”-Stephanie

Though my husband is still in the hospital, I don’t have to keep myself isolated and locked away until “things are better.” On the contrary, I need to surround myself with people who are there for me; praying for me and helping me get through this. ✨God is showing me who I really am and definitely making me courageous. All I can do is thank Him. 🌸

Just Write

I know it’s been weeks since my last post, and honestly it doesn’t seem that long. It doesn’t seem like it’s been over a month since this all began. That tells me God’s hand is on everything. Everything is going to be ok. 

I felt the need to write, writing has always been the very thing that has helped me through it all. I feel God wants me to do it more, now. Though my flesh feels it’s the last thing I want to be doing. I have hidden away for some time. I have been pushing away the very things that can help me through all this and waiting for that, “right time.” I have realized that there will never be the right time or the perfect time. Only the, “now.”

What I mean about that is, when God says. Most days it will be when you least feel like it or the hardest days. But I have learned over time that what I am going through and what I share, has always blessed someone else reading it. It’s a constant reminder to me that I am not alone in what I go through and that others are going to the same things, or something similar.

We are never alone.

Tears, Just Cry

I remember telling my sister in-law when this first happened, that I will continue to cry through all this until God doesn’t allow me to cry anymore. It was after her telling me to not worry about what others think. To this day, I still shed my tears. It’s hard. I can’t deny that. I can’t pretend that I am not a mess at times, in all of this. I can be a mess. I don’t have to have it all together. Why? Because I am still human and I know when I am weak, God is strong. When I feel like I can’t stand, God is standing for me and that’s where I draw my strength from. He is my strength through all of this.

The Hidden Place

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God sees all things, especially those moments when we are alone and tears just flow from our eyes. He hears what is so hidden in our heart. He hears what words cannot say. 

I once heard, “tears are silent prayers.”  It is true. Our tears manifest what we feel inside, good or bad. I have had a lot of sad tears flow from me expressing the very thing I was holding in; frustration, impatience, fear, pain, even gratitude.

Only He knows exactly what I feel, think and desire. There have been times where I hold back those tears when I am around others and as soon as my bedroom door shuts, they pour out. I drop myself on the floor next to my bed and just cry. I know I am not alone in that.

“It’s been in my hidden (alone) place with God that I have found strength. The very place where I have expressed to Him what I feel, the things I hate and what I desire. It’s been that very place where I’ve been drawing my strength from. Each day I need it. Each day I recognize that I cannot make it without him. I need Him.”

Speak Life

Speaking life is speaking words of blessing, comfort, hope, love and truth.

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When all that I hear is negative, I speak words of life. I speak the word of God over the circumstance and ignore the bad. This entire journey has been just that. Words have knocked me down, but God has lifted me up, but stronger. I have been learning to block out words of death and combat them with words of Life. I have been changing the way I speak and think, and it’s helped me see things the way He sees them.

I have had doctors tell me one thing, yet see God do the opposite. I have been hit with the worst news anybody can get, but I have seen God’s hand over my husband. I know it’s only going to get better. My husband is still alive. 

I am choosing to speak words of life, because I have seen God manifest miracles before. I was a witness to one, though I didn’t know Him and my heart was so far from Him.

I know He is the same God. I know He will do it again. 

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I will not give up. I will not surrender to the pressures of the storm. I know who I am and who’s I am. My Father is the Lord of all of Heaven’s army and I am not alone. He is my defender. He watches over me and my husband and is the one giving him new life. We have nothing or no one to fear. That is what brings my heart peace.  ❤

 

Do It Again- Elevation Worship

Never Abandoned

Where to begin. What to write. The days have seemed so long, my heart grows impatient at the thought of what I cannot have right now. My heart is still being mended; the pieces are slowly being swept up from the floor. The world I had known, shattered at the blink of an eye. I find myself struggling to hold on, but nonetheless, alone I have not been. I look around me and I begin to panic, he isn’t here right now, his voice I don’t hear… his embrace I cannot have for awhile longer. What I feel inside, just wants to break free, but nothing good will come of it. I am hurting. I am his wife, he is my husband. What I am feeling, no one else understands. For what was one, is currently broken in two.

Feeling Alone

It’s been almost four weeks since everything happened. Read: Confia En Mi (Trust In Me)

As a wife, in all honesty it hurts. I am in pain. Each passing day I am getting stronger and learning how to fight this battle without my husband. (In every other storm in my life, he was always there…) There are days where all I can do is cry. There are days where I am feeling so strong, and there are also days where I feel so anxious and the thought of not being able to see him, touch him or speak with him causes me to feel so desperate. Today was just one of those days. Not being able to see the changes I am longing for when I wanted to, is what has been difficult for me. 

I found myself really missing my husband’s company, his touch and his voice; his smile and laugh especially. I know he isn’t here, but sometimes it feels like I “snap back into reality” and it hits me that he isn’t home, yet. It hurts me. I know God is breaking me from dependency on my husband and teaching me to fully depend on Him. I am still human, and it still hurts.

In the natural, there hasn’t been much change with my husband’s condition, if anything, all the updates up until recently have been nothing but negative, to the point where certain doctors had given up on him. I remember being in the cafeteria with my dad, last week and just crying. I felt so hurt and so sad at how the doctors were saying that there wasn’t anything else they could do and how they basically were expecting him to die. 

By the grace of God my husband is still alive, after the doctors saying that he only had, “one to two days of life left.” God will always have the final word. I rather believe God, than people.

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by a family of Faith; people who are with me in praying and declaring life in my husband. The very people who are believing with me for a miracle. In that area, God has reminded me time and time again that I am not alone and I am not fighting this battle alone. I can finally rest.

I am especially thankful for both my mom (mother in-law) and my dad.

What We Cannot See

Though these days have been the hardest of my life, they have also been the most strengthening ones as well. I have been learning how to fully trust in God’s word and not on what I see or hear from other people.

The enemy has worked so hard through the doctors to try to get me to pull the plug on my husband, saying that there was nothing else that could be done, followed by the “urgency” they had to talk to me about my husband donating his organs. It was in that conversation that had both me and my mother in-law second guessing their intentions. (We knew it wasn’t them, but the enemy.)

It was in that very meeting where we were told the “expected” life span on my husband. We didn’t receive what they said. I told them I wasn’t going to give them the ok for them to take my husband’s organs. (That was when we felt that group of doctors just give up like it was their final attempt to convince me that there was no hope for my husband.)

This is only a small portion of what I had to endure and what I have had to listen to from them. No hope. Attempts to discredit my belief in God and what we believe He can and will do. All trying to sway me into giving up hope on my husband. I have not and will not give upon him. I have made that VERY CLEAR, more than once. We all are not giving up, even if some of the doctors already have. If I wasn’t fighting for my marriage then, I am FIGHTING FOR IT NOW.

God still has him alive. He’s sustained him this long. I know something amazing is about to happen. (When man says there is no way, God makes a way… and we are already seeing that happen.) Complete restoration in his body.

I used to be afraid of sharing such HOPE because I wanted to wait for it to happen first…thinking that if I did before it happened, it wouldn’t come to pass…but God has set me free from that. He’s reminded me that as children of God, we have the power to speak into existence what we are needing. That’s called faith-seeing something that is not, as though it was. I don’t need to see in order to believe.  I am not afraid anymore. I trust Him.-Stephanie

Never Abandoned

Going back to that day at the hospital. It was such a heavy and sad atmosphere at the hospital, in my husbands room. I felt so down and so anxious. It wasn’t until I was sitting with my dad, having lunch, that it hit me. I was starting to feel the negativity that was lingering around there. I broke down, but then remembered God’s promise:

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I began to cry and just thank God. I was thanking Him because people may leave or abandon us, but He never will. In our darkest hour, He is still there with us. It brought me so much comfort. In that moment, God spoke into my heart and told me: “I am with him. He is not alone. He is in my hands.” I had to truly, truly trust Him in this. To this day, I have seen his faithfulness. ❤

That day, my heart was heavy for my husband. I was in pain. That same night, or a day later I began to feel free and see more of God at work, when I recognized that even in all of this, my husband isn’t a victim…he is a SON OF GOD.

Since then things have been looking up. A new group of doctors working with my husband have been keeping in touch with me and keeping me updated with things. It’s just a different vibe. (We have been praying for the right doctors/people around my husband.) God is so good. 

Everything is in his timing, not mine. Though I would love for things to change at the snap of my fingers, I am not God and do not know what’s best. Only He does.

He is the orchestrator. Everything flows perfectly and beautifully when He is given His place in our life and circumstance.  

Spiritual Warfare

This has definitely been a season of brokenness, pruning, remolding and humility. I have had to let go of certain things. I have had to surrender a lot of things at the cross. I have had to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. I have had no choice, but to trust Him completely; with my life, especially with my husbands life.

It has been a life changing experience, for sure.

What I am most proud of is being able to stand up to the enemy. Standing face to face with him in all of this and reminding him who I am and whos I am. Though I have been knocked down, it has only made me stronger in Him and who I am. I’ve stood my ground and not backed down and because of that I have been able to see the support from my, FATHER.

I am not a victim. I am not a “aww poor” wife. I am not a damsel in distress. I AM A DAUGTHER OF GOD. A fighter; A Warrior.

The hardest thing at the beginning of all this, has been, in all honesty…having faith; being able to see past what is right in front of me. I thought I had so much “faith.” I was so wrong. I thought I was strong, but I was wrong. I thought so much of myself as a “spiritual” person… but I was wrong.

We really don’t know how strong our faith is, until it comes time to fully put it to work.  It takes the hardest storms to show us who we really are.-Stephanie

My way of thinking and my own understanding had to take on a “renovation.” I am just now getting it. I am now able to see beyond the natural, and truly believing what God has already said in His word and because of that I am learning how to fight the right way.

 

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For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.-Ephesians 6:12

This current battle, I have learned to fight on my knees and with a humble heart. It’s been through prayer, fasting and seeking God that I have been able to overcome the attacks and the sudden blows. It’s been because of all that, that I have been able to lift my arms in praise to Him and how I have been able to steadily stand on the ROCK. I am not longer easily shaken and because of who I know I am in Christ, I have become a not-so-easy target for the enemy.

Prayer is one of our many powerful weapons we’ve been given.

 

 

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Confia En Mi (Trust In Me)

The days have been rough. News after news, but none of it good. My heart so heavy with pain, all I could do was cry out to you. Sitting at his side, I pleaded for good news, you lifted my head and said; “I have already given it to you.” My heart felt comfort, how right You were. Your word is true and Your promises are sure.

It’s Been Two Weeks

These past couple weeks have been the longest and most painful weeks of my life. I have felt so many different things, things I have never felt before. From anxiety to panic attacks; from fear to hope; from sadness to absolute peace. My life has taken on a dramatic change and I know without a doubt it’s for the better.

I have been broken to my lowest and I have been able to see how far I was beginning to wander off track. God revealed to me how I have been lately, it broke me and humbled me. I saw myself through His eyes and I did not like what I was seeing. “I am so sorry,” has been my cry, for days.

From thinking I had a relationship with God these past couple months, to what I am experiencing now… night and day. I haven’t felt this connected to Him since I gave my life to Him, eight years ago. 

It’s sad to say, but it’s taken all this for me to recognize it.

My Reality Is Not My Ending

A few years ago at a women’s conference, a guest speaker shared her story about a promise God gave her. She shared how God promised her a son. When she became pregnant and up until she gave birth to him, there had been complications and a fear of losing him. It was then she cried out to God and reminded Him that her child was a promise from Him. Because she believed and trusted God’s promise, she knew that wasn’t the end. She knew her baby would be fine, because God promised him to her. At that time, the baby was already a couple years old.

She went on to share the story of Jesus on the boat, in the middle of the storm:

Jesus Calms the Storm

As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water. Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” The disciples were absolutely terrified. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “Even the wind and waves obey him!”-Mark 4:34-41

Jesus, the savior of the world. The One who died on the cross for the world. 

This story impacted my life in ways I cannot explain, and up until recently I have been holding on to that word, what that woman shared. The reason Jesus was sleeping on the boat in the midst of the storm was, because He knew that wasn’t His end. God’s promises and will hadn’t been fulfilled yet, on His life.

Jesus knew that there was so much more He still needed to do and that place, on that boat, wasn’t going to keep him from completing what He was meant to. God’s promises are always fulfilled. 

Which leads me to my, “reality.” I have been contemplating sharing this, here. The thought of re-thinking about it, reminded me of the pain and everything else I have felt. I have been going back and forth and asking God whether to share it or not. Yesterday at service I was given the opportunity to share a bit with the congregation about what’s been going on and what the doctors have been saying. It was the first time I have spoken about it publicly. While sharing it, I noticed it had a few people reflecting on things. One even told me that it blessed them.

The Stroke That Change Our Life

On July 21, 18- a day that I never saw coming. It was supposed to be a nice and relaxing get away. My husband and I stayed out of town for the weekend, it was the first time since before his heart surgery. We were both excited about it and were having a good time until that Saturday night.

We had just gotten back to our hotel from the baseball game. Things got a little intense and all of a sudden my husband began acting strange. He wasn’t himself and I began feeling so emotional. He wasn’t responding to me. He would mumble.

While sitting on the bed, he looked at me and began to cry. He wasn’t acting like himself at all. He then said something that caught me off guard… “I don’t want to go.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. A few seconds later, he grabbed his head and let out a cry. I was beginning to freak out. I texted his LVAD nurse and told her what was going on. I was messaging his mom, and both told me to call 911.

After that moment with my husband, he got up from the bed and stood right in front of me. He starred at me, blankly. He couldn’t speak. When he tried, nothing came out. He kept focused on what he had in his hand. I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on.

I called 911 and a few minutes later, the ambulance came and took him to the hospital. From my understanding, my husband was having a stroke. They ended up taking him to the nearest hospital.

Panicking and so anxious, I didn’t know what to do. I stayed at the hotel to pack up and check out from the hotel, to be with my husband. It was dark out. I didn’t know the area. I don’t like driving in places I am not familiar with. I had no choice.

So Much Fear

Driving to the hospital and trying to remain calm, didn’t prepare me for what I was about to find out once I got there. I was led to where my husband was. Immediately the EMT shared with me the news, assuming I knew what was going on. The only thing I new was that my husband was having a stroke. What I did not know was, it caused bleeding in his brain. I didn’t know a blood vessel had burst. I didn’t know that he had thrown up in the ambulance…

At hearing that, my heart sunk. I started crying and a huge sense of fear flooded my mind. At that very moment I felt so alone. I felt so scared. The first thing I did was call his mom and tell her what had happened.

When I had finally made it to the hospital, they had been preparing to take him to Stanford Hospital. I was so emotional, there was no way I could have been able to drive up there, let alone be there alone. My brother and sister in-law drove to where I was and from there we went to Stanford.

Confia En Mi, Trust In Me

It’s been two weeks, and my husband hasn’t been “responding.” It’s been two weeks and every single time I speak with the doctors, it’s more bad news than good; especially this last meeting we had with the doctors.  In these two weeks, God has been doing so much more than what anybody can see, let alone understand in their own minds.

After days of tears of guilt and regret, God has been restoring me. God has been remolding my life and has been teaching me how to trust Him, even when I cannot see. I have been learning to walk solely by faith and not by sight, or what is being said.

We have had encounters with God’s faithfulness, His presence and Him just confirming thing after thing, that proves to us that my husband is going to be OK.

My faith has been tested. I have finally been able to tell God, “Your WILL be done,” and actually mean it.

How many can actually make such a statement and actually mean it? How many can say; “God, your will be done,” but underneath really mean, “but what I want.” That was definitely me, before all of this.

That moment I told God that, was the very moment I meant: “Papa, your will be done, no matter what it means. Your will be done even if it means you taking him home or lifting him up from that bed. Your will be done, I surrender my best friend into your hands.”

At that moment I stepped aside, let God intervene and gave Him is rightful place. 

Before leaving the hospital, this last Saturday one of the doctors mentioned something with my husbands condition and if in any case things got worse through the night, they’d be calling me. I was like, “ok”.  That entire day, God told me to not fight what they would tell me. He told me not to say anything. I listened. I felt peace and a huge sense of calm. I haven’t gotten any phone calls, which means everything is ok. There is only God to thank. ❤

Learning to leave the life of my husband in my Papas hands has helped me be at peace. Though everything right in front of me screams, “give up!” My hearts says everything is going to be ok. He is going to rise from this, stronger and on fire for God. God has told me, to trust in Him. That’s exactly what I am doing. He isn’t a God that lies. He has made us promises and I know they will be fulfilled in my husband’s life, as well as our marriage, because this isn’t our end!

My husband is a worship leader at our congregation. It wasn’t a coincidence that this stroke attacked my husbands speech, voice and his right hand. (He worships with a guitar and happens to be right handed.) 

People may think we are crazy, but we know the God we serve. Even now, there are doctors that think we are, “fooling” ourselves. Why? Because they are only believing what they see and what they have seen.

God’s Ways Are Not Our Own

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.-Isaiah 55:8-9

I still don’t know why this happened to us; to me or my husband. I have not thought about asking God, why. I know better. I also know that everything happens for a reason, even the most difficult things. I know that in the midst of the storm, He is always there. I know that in the middle of the fire, He is doing something in us.

In all of this, He has been removing certain things from my life; habits, fleshly habits, attitudes, etc. This “fire” has been purifying me and cleansing me from all things that have not been pleasing to Him, at all.

In the midst of all this pain, fear, anxiety… I have learned what true peace is. That peace that surpasses all understanding. In the midst of the bad news and the things I see, I have peace and have that unwavering assurance, that everything is going to be, FINE. God will be glorified and others will see that He is real. ❤ In all of this, all I can say is, “THANK YOU! Gracias, Papa!”

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.-Psalm 40:1-3

Another verse that has brought my heart so much comfort and peace through out these couple weeks is:

He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.-Psalm 91:4

God’s promises are your assurance that you will make it through whatever life throws at you. Trust in Him, even when you cannot see the why.-Stephanie 

 

 

I Still Believe- Jeremy Camp

 

I have been given the courage to share what’s been going on. I have been given the courage to “relive” that painful moment, because I know God will use it for His glory. My deepest heart’s cry has been, “Lord use my pain for your Glory.” It will be done, I know my will bless someone else.  Out of all this, God has proven to me that He is holding me up in his righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Forgiveness, a powerful tool it is. It sets a prisoner free, later to discover that the prisoner was me. I have made mistakes, I know that full well. I am human. I am not perfect, and I do not claim to be. I have hurt the ones closest to me with words; with actions. I have looked back, tears I have cried. “I am sorry”, I cried out to You. I have asked for forgiveness, but do I really believe that I am? For it is easier to forgive those who hurt me, but why is it hard to set myself free from torment and guilt? The past days have not been kind, my stomach in chaos; I need to be set free. I am not the bad person the enemy makes me out to be. I am yours. I am your Daughter. I have been forgiven. Help me to believe it’s true. Help me to live in this truth;

“Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.” -John 8:36

The Days Have Been Hard

Words cannot express how this past week has been. Tears have been cried. Things have happened that I never imagined would happen to us. My husbands health has been a storm! I have been dealing with anxiety, stress and panic attacks.

Never have I experienced such “anguish,” before. I have been in this place in the past, but this time it’s been hard. Waves of regret, waves of guilt, waves of condemnation have flooded my mind trying to get me to surrender.

But nonetheless, God has manifested in mighty ways. What He has been doing in my life hasn’t been easy. It’s been a rough encounter; one of discipline and of freedom. One of them being; seeing the wrong of my ways, attitudes and so on. It all came to me like a flood when things happened with my husband’s health.

We Want What We Want…

…but when it comes down to it actually happening, we automatically feel regret. That was me this last week. In my heart I have grown an attitude towards the situation in my marriage, which only came from selfishness. I had grown a callused heart towards God for how things have been going. Telling Him, “This is not what I imagined, or what I wanted.”

How quickly that changed when He allowed this storm to take place. When the thought of losing my husband became reality. I started to see where I was so wrong and began pleading to God for help; for changes.-Stephanie

One thing I have been struggling hard to do is, forgive myself. Everything that I had done wrong and was doing wrong came to my mind. Tears fell from my eyes and I began thinking, “How could I have been like that?! How could I have acted like that and treated him like that?” I felt so much guilt. I felt so much regret. It broke me. 

Forgiven

As soon as your request to God to be forgiven is released from your lips, you are. God is not a God who holds on to offenses or wishes to “punish” you, the way the world portrays Him to be. It’s our lack of belief because of what we feel, that causes us to feel unforgiven. We think, to be forgiven means we no longer feel the pain or some kind of guilt. We have to remember that guilt doesn’t come from God. I am not going to sit here and say that it doesn’t take time for you to start believing it, because it does. It’s been almost two weeks since everything happened and I have yet to fully believe that I am forgiven.

The reason being; I haven’t been able to forgive myself, fully. God already forgave me. I need to forgive myself and let go of all the wrong I have said and done. It’s been a slow process, but I am getting there. Each day it gets easier.

What brings me comfort is what His word says:

Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love. Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!- Micah 7:18-19

Learning From The Circumstance

In life, we will always go through problems. It’s been promised.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”-John 16:15

God has not withheld anything that will help us and equip us for what life throws at us. There are signs and warnings that we seem to overlook because we think we, “know it all.” When things come suddenly and we are caught off guard, we question God’s existence or whether or not He is really for us. 

Everything that we go through is never in vain. I have said that over and over, because it’s true. There has always been a lesson to learn in every experience I have had. This one being no exception. It’s been a huge learning experience. I saw that with the utmost humility.

I have been learning how to be a better wife and what God expects from me during this season. I have been seeing where I can improve and allowing Him to remold me into the woman He needs me to be. I have been learning that life doesn’t just stop in the midst of the storm. I have been taken out of my comfort zone to continue doing things as the helper to my husband.

I wrote something last night. I shared it on Instagram and as I wrote it, it was a revelation to me and what God has been doing in my life these past few days.

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  • “In Darkness He Is My Light.” It’s been a rough few days, today being one. I honestly find myself still struggling to trust God, fully. I know He is asking me to let go and let Him. I know He is wanting me to do something here, while my heart wants to be there. As a wife, we tend to have this nurturing spirit when it comes to our spouse (family) when they aren’t feeling well. It becomes a feeling that things would be better if you were by their side. What if you can’t always be right there? 
    I have been learning recently that life doesn’t just stop in the midst of the storm. I have been learning that as wives, we need to keep moving forward for our home, for our marriages, for our life & relationship with God. It’s in these moments that we have to trust God is there when we can’t be. It’s in those moments when we have to trust God to do what we can’t. It’s in those moments when we have to trust that God is there and working all things for our good. Wife, you are the helper. I have been learning that. I have been learning that being my husbands helper means I take care of things when he can’t. It means keeping my home in order when he can’t. It means staying connected to God for both of us when he can’t. My husbands health has taken a tole on him and what he’s been able to do. Soon I will be able to share what’s been happening, but in the mean time I stand strong and continue to trust God.
    🌸Wives, I pray for strength over your life. Those who are struggling with their spouses health, I pray for peace and comfort. I pray that no matter what your storm looks like, that you will find strength in God’s truth. I pray that God will guide you and show you what you are to do in the now. I pray for restoration and that God’s will be done. In Jesus Name. Amen. ✨Wife, You’re Not Alone. 

My Husbands Helper

After writing that, I finally got it. It finally clicked in my heart. It’s not easy to let go and let God. It’s not easy not being there 24/7, but it’s true. It’s POSSIBLE. (Luke 1:37) Life doesn’t just stop in the midst of the storm.

What I have being learning is, when our husbands can’t, we pick up the slack; spiritually, physically and in all aspects.  We seek God for guidance to do what we need to do. We take up the responsibilities, making sure things do not just fall apart. Wife, I get it. I know. You’re not alone in this.

You’re stronger than you feel. You’re stronger than the obstacles you’re currently facing. I am still waiting for things to get better, but in the midst of all this, I am trusting God. I am learning to let go of things I cannot change, and change the things I can. I am learning to pick up the slack for my home, for my marriage and for my family.

I am not doing it alone. I can assure you that. I have had to humble myself before Him and ask for forgiveness and for help.

Again and again, and again I have heard these words: “God is more interested in healing your inside, than He is at healing your circumstances.” 

A hard pill to swallow, but what good is it for Him to change our circumstances, when our hearts are the same and most likely will not appreciate what He does? This is for me. This is for you.

In order to fully trust God in the storms, is acknowledging that He did NOT cause the storm. The enemy paints a pretty picture that tries to turn us against God. All the bad things in life are caused by our enemy, not God, but He does allow them. The reasons are often unknown, but in all my experiences I have seen victory after victory. The sooner we recognize that the enemy only comes to: steal, kill and destroy, the sooner we are able to cling to God for help and see Him at work in our life and circumstances; giving life and life in abundance.-Stephanie

 

The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.-John 10:10 (NLT)

Song On My Heart

Who You Say I Am by Hillsong Worship

 

 

 

Dear Spouses

Don’t take anything for granted. Wives, let your husband caress you and touch you. The day you no longer have that, is when you will be desiring to have it again. Same for the husbands.

Love each other and cherish each other. The days are not promised. Appreciate the time you spend together and never wish you had your own space. When that space is given, yet unwanted, you will be desiring to have them around again.

Never forget that you love each other. Never forget the promises you made to one another. Never forget the good things, but always strive to be better at creating even better things with each other.

Never be satisfied with taking, that you forget to out give one another. You are one. What hurts them should hurt you. What brings them joy should bring you joy.

Above all else, learn to love each other past the flaws, past the mistakes. Forgiveness is key. Above everything else, protect the friendship that first established your relationship. For when you protect that friendship, you protect your marriage.

Never take them for granted. -Stephanie

 

While I Wait

While I wait, I trust in You. You see all things and know my anxious heart. There is so much I long to do, yet I feel like my feet cannot move. When did my desires outweigh the want to be there where You have placed me? When did I become so eager to get up and walk out? While I wait, I ask for Your guidance. While I wait, humble my heart and let no pride overtake me. While I wait, change my attitude to accept my current place. Help me to love those around me and give me the patience to wait for Your leading.

Is It Time For Something New?

Happy Monday, loves! I wanted to share something that has been on my heart for quite some time now. It’s been something that I have not been able to shake and have only kept to myself until, now. I just want to open up and be transparent, for I know that others are struggling with the same thing. It’s regarding your place and how you can start feeling as though it’s time for something new, but waiting on God to confirm and move you first.-Stephanie

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Ever felt like you no longer belong where you’re at? Like the time has come for you to move on to something better? I am currently in that season, but I have been praying for guidance regarding that.

There is so much I desire to do, but I feel where I am at, is not the place for that to happen. I have been feeling like this for some time. It hurts to feel this. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s God leading us to something better. I am still unsure. The last thing I want it to be is, emotion. 

Yesterday, service was good. It felt so good to finally be there after missing a couple weeks, due to my husbands knees. I felt connected. I felt so much joy to be able to praise and worship God in His house. But the last few times, I have left service feeling the same thing.

There was this one time, during worship where I heard these words; “Not here.” (It was in regards to me wanting to do so much more than what I am currently doing. It was regarding my deep desire to share my story and help other women.)  To this day, I am still asking God to reveal to me what that meant. I am asking for clarity and revelation, because the last thing I want is to make a move, without Him.

When something is meant to happen, God opens doors and shuts those doors that no longer pertain to you. The key is to wait patiently for Him to lead. Something out of order and out of it’s right time will only fall apart.-Stephanie

It’s liberating to finally let this out. It’s liberating finally learning how not to hold back. Yesterday, I wrote something to God. I wrote my deepest desire and how I want Him to prepare me for it. It was a bold request. Those are the kind of prayers He likes.

While I Wait

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We all know that there are times when we must make changes for our lives. It can be switching jobs, moving to a new city/state… etc. But while waiting we are still expected to do our best where we are for the time being.

God has us there for a reason, but we believe that there will be a time when He will ask us to go. I want to do more. I desire to do more and I don’t see myself doing it there. ((Of course, I can be so wrong, that’s why I continue to ask God for wisdom.)) For the mean time, I need to continue to seek God; allowing Him to change me.

It’s no coincidence that during this season with my husbands health, things have been changing. We have seen who is really there and who isn’t. But it doesn’t surprise me, this time. I have been accepting such things as God shifting things around and protecting us. It has taught us both to rely solely on Him and each other. It has broken us free from the dependency on people.

I used to see that as there was something wrong with me, that people were being removed from my life. I used to wonder what was so wrong with me that they no longer want to be around me.

I have understood there are seasons in which people are there and aren’t.  

Moving Before It’s Time

I was just reminded of a story in the bible where a family packed up and left due to the famine in their land. They weren’t seeing what they needed, so they got up and left, thinking it was the right thing to do. They left the place God had them, for something they were lacking. God didn’t send them. God didn’t instruct them to move. In doing so, life turned upside down and the men in the family died. Things went horribly wrong for them, because they left without God’s guidance. -Ruth 1

What “famine” are you currently facing in your life? What are you currently lacking in your life, that you think you will find in a new job or in a new city? I ask myself that same question. I guess my answer would be: fulfillment. The feeling and assurance that I am doing what God has called me to do and no longer sitting on the, “sidelines.” I don’t like that feeling at all.

I am like that player who is eager to play; the one who cannot just sit still and watch things happen; or like that student who has the right answer, but is never called on. That’s how I feel, where I am at. I am being honest.-Stephanie

I am not perfect, of course I still have a lot to learn… but no one is perfect. I just keep waiting for my time and for the right place, to be set free.

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Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous. 
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. -Psalm 27:14

My Vulnerability

It hurts. I get angry. I grow impatient. There are times I wish I could just do what I feel, but I know first hand that things don’t go well when I do. Patience has never been my strong quality. It’s always being tested and there are times I really do fall short.

But it’s in giving God full control of my life, that I have been able to see blessings and things fall into place without me doing a thing.

I see a lot of things. I don’t agree with a few things. My job isn’t to criticize, judge, or rebel; it’s simply to pray. That is still my home. That is still the place where I am being strengthened and molded.

You want to be blessed in all you do? Remain humble and submissive, where you’re at. Continue to do your best, even when you don’t agree with how things are going or with the people. Being led my Him, rather than emotions, keeps you under his covering of protection and blessings. Never move from where you are because of what you lack, see or feel. Let it be Him who directs your steps.-Stephanie

Truth

You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

-Proverbs 21:19

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We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

-Proverbs 16:9

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Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.

-Proverbs 16:3

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Final Thoughts

When I write, my mind is at ease. There have been times when God reveals to me many things as I type. A few of my questions have been answered through my blog posts. I think that is amazing. In this case, I am still waiting for God to reveal to me His plan for me and my marriage; what He wants us to do and where He wants us to go, if He does.

While I wait, I want to remain humble. While I wait, I want to remain full of love for my neighbors. While I wait, I want to become a better version of myself and be molded into who I need to be. While I wait, I want to be prepared for what’s to come. While I wait…-Stephanie 

Beauty Lies Within

It’s amazing to me how just one thought can send me back to a place I hoped to never return, again. I woke up, with joy I looked at myself in the mirror; my progress I could clearly see. As the clock ticked and time passed, I began thinking things that are no longer true. I tried this on, I tried that on… I didn’t like. I started to lose sight of the progress I have made and I became miserable. Oh how my eyes deceive. Oh how my thoughts taunt me. By Your strength and truth I pushed through, though deep down, comparing myself I was. Oh, that lie!

It’s Amazing

What a day it has been…

This morning I got out of bed and the first thing I did, like every morning, was look at myself in the mirror. I liked how I looked and the shape my body is taking. I felt happy; until it was time for me to get dressed for the day.

I went ahead and tried on a few things, some new pieces. I wasn’t surprised that those were still a little snug-I see that as motivation. So I was ok with that. I went on to search for a pair of pants that I wore awhile ago. I was excited. Trying them on I realized they didn’t fit like they used to. (This is where the lies began leaking in.) First, I was like ok these just shrunk when my husband accidently threw them into the dryer, but then it just kept picking at me when I was looking for a top to match. Long story short, I wasn’t happy with how I was looking.

The entire time we were out I felt so bloated. The enemy in my ear telling me, “You’re still fat!” I was feeling so uncomfortable and almost self-conscious, again. I was beginning to compare myself with every woman passing by and comparing my outfit to theirs. It was literally making me unhappy about myself. I was getting angry at myself because I didn’t “look” like them. I was getting upset because my progress wasn’t fast enough. 

I was telling my husband that, it’s amazing to me to how one minute I was so happy about my body and the next, because of something that didn’t fit right, I felt sad and almost bad about myself.

It happens a lot! We can feel so good about ourselves and see so much progress we’ve made, but when it comes to something that isn’t flattering to our figures, we lose sight of the good.

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I’m Flattered

When it comes to my body, it’s taken me years to finally accept myself and be happy in my own skin. It’s taken me so much time to finally accept that my beauty isn’t what is seen on the outside. It’s what I carry on the inside that radiates outward. I finally understood that I have been, “fearfully and wonderfully” made. So have you. ❤

I have been there; thinking something looks good, then trying it on to only realize that it wasn’t right for by body, like it was for “hers.” I have also been that girl to criticize myself because of one piece of clothing. How much value and power we give such things over how we feel and see ourselves. That needs to stop because it’s not the clothing that give us worth, value or our beauty. It’s God.-Stephanie 

I have learned this, the hard way.

So many tears. So many self-critiques. So much self-hate.

I wasted a lot of time allowing material dictate how I see and feel about myself. Today, I broke free from that lie. I determined myself to believe what my Father says about me. I determined myself to reflect on the progress I have made and remember how I was, this time last year. I am not the same. 

When I talk about how clothes and such aren’t what makes us important, I don’t mean that we shouldn’t look our best or wear what we like, because I do it. What I mean is, we shouldn’t depend on such things to give us worth or make us “feel” beautiful. ((I am so guilty of this and I have asked God to help me with it. )) That’s something we should already know, regardless of what doesn’t fit or look right.

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I Ate, I Enjoyed

To really break free from the, “you’re fat” torment, I ate what I wanted and enjoyed it. Yes, I enjoyed my Mexican food, with my husband and dad. I didn’t pick at myself for eating that, because one “treat” meal isn’t going to bring all the weight I have lost, back. I simply enjoyed the food.

I had a delicious chocolate chip cookie. I had a yummy Caramel Macchiato with almond milk, too. Guess what, I am not fat. I am not huge. I am not anything the enemy was yelling in my ear.

So, about my clothes not fitting how I want them too, well it’s my GOAL. Instead of picking at myself, I will work harder. Instead of beating myself up about it, I will make better choices. That’s, that.

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Encouragement

I know I am not the only one who goes through this. I am not the only who has tried something on and completely hated how they looked and felt in it. I am not the only one.

For those who are struggling with this, I say this:

“You are so beautiful. There is no amount of clothing that can take away what God has already said about you. You are his masterpiece and what is the most beautiful about you is, your heart. Your smile. Your personality. You are a gorgeous GEM. Your worth doesn’t come from the size you are, or what didn’t look good on you. Your worth comes from a loving Father who created you in His image and says, ‘I take delight in you.’ He looks at you with so much love and awe. That’s how you should see yourself.”

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 “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”-Song of Songs 4:7

Those words are for me too. I take them and I hold them close to my heart, because I know, when Gods looks at me He sees nothing wrong with me. He calls me beautiful. He calls me worthy. He calls be his delight. He says this about you, too.  I say this with so much love; If someone continues to tell you, you are beautiful, believe them. 

After years of being self-conscious, I literally just started accepting those compliments from my husband. I know he loves me. I know he tells me the truth. Knowing that I am beautiful in my Fathers eyes and his, is all I need. ❤

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.-1 Peter 3:3-4

He sees the heart, not what’s on the outside. Always know that true beauty doesn’t come from what you wear, but from the attitude of which you carry inside about yourself, and those around you. It’s a lie to think that having the latest fashions or a new haircut considers you beautiful or helps make you feel better about yourself. Though it may, it’s only temporary. One who chases such things is never satisfied and is always searching for something else to fill that void. 

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Quotes

“You’re beautiful. 🌸

It’s not about what’s on the outside. It’s about what’s on the inside. Your heart manifests and radiates a beauty that no amount of looks can. Attitude of the heart goes further than how you look.”-Stephanie

🌸-“True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly know who she is in Christ”-Unknown

🌸-“Beauty isn’t about having a pretty face. It’s about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart and a pretty soul.”-Unknown

🌸-“Nothing makes a woman more BEAUTIFUL than the belief that she is BEAUTIFUL.”-Uknown

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“True beauty of a woman is not a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.”-Audrey Hepburn

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New Season New Menu

Wonder Beauty Designs ~ Beauty ~ Style ~ Poetry ~ About Me

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Hey guys, lately things have been changing. I have been working a lot on other things and decided to share that part of myself, as well. ❤ I have been sharing a lot of these things on my IG page and I wanted to unite both parts of my life on here. I have been doing a lot of writing about personal things, which I am going to continue to do, but I wanted to change things up a bit.

 

A Crafter At Heart

Gift Tags

(My Crafts)

I created a new MENU where I have added in a page for my crafting: “Wonder Beauty Designs.” It’s a space where I will be adding in all my recent art work, crafts and designs. I have been putting so much effort into it and I have been able to see so much fruit… and learning a lot about myself. So, it’s amazing.

 

All Things Beauty SAH

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(That one time I mastered the smokey eye)

Also included in the menu is: “Beauty.” I have been really into beauty hacks, makeup and stuff like that and I have been posting MOTD photos, photos of my favorite products and stuff like that on my IG. I will be doing the same thing in that page as well. ❤

 

I Be Stylin’

Feeling Fancy
The only  time I ever wore that hat. LOL

Related to yesterdays Blog Post: Summer, I have decided to add in a space called “Style” where I am able to share outfits of the day; things that I really like. I have been doing that anyway, just thought I would add it in. ❤ It’s new side of me that I want to share with everyone.

 

Poetry

Of course, I needed a space specifically for my poems. I will be updating that and adding all my poetry, with a lot of the recent ones. I will be updating that every time I write a new one. So keep a look out for that. 😀

 

About Me

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How I Am A Wife, I Am Also A Woman

This change is going to be a good one. I am opening up and sharing everything I like. I want to be open and transparent. I want to show a different side to me, rather than just a wife and struggles. I want to show that I am HUMAN and enjoy so many things. I want to share my realness; my likes and things I really enjoy. Like I said, my original posts will continue to come, but I will also be changing it up a bit every now and then. ❤

I was inspired by one of my favorite bloggers who has been doing the same thing. I found it so refreshing. I guess it’s just a new season I am walking into. Especially after spending so much time in the storm. The sun is finally beginning to shine and shifting things around. God is so good. ❤

The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that is coming.Image result for romans 8:18

I am excited about this change and I know it’s going to be so much fun. I hope you guys all enjoy the changes and continue to interact with me. Especially if you’re into art, crafts, fashion/style… anything! I just wanna get to know you guys. I have been on here for over a year… this change was needed.

Freedom

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. A promise I hold close to my heart. You have said time and time again that nothing or no one can separate me from Your unfailing Love; no darkness, no highs, no lows, not even the mistakes I have made. Perfected in your Love, I am. I do not fear of what lies ahead. Though many things around me attempt to torment me, captivating my thoughts, You set me free because nothing outweighs the CROSS.

 

freedomWhere the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.-2 Corinthians 3:17

Painting by: Stephanie Ann Hernandez

Depression…

I am no stranger to depression. Throughout my life I have struggled with it and the torment; the lies and the loneliness it has brought me. But I have never experienced it like I have been, recently. It’s lasted a lot longer and my emotions have been all over the place and not to mention a sudden temptation to “cut.” Yesterday was the worse.

Thoughts so loud saying, “cutting will make you feel better.” It painted a really good picture of escaping my reality, like I had mentioned in my last Blog Post: Unveiled.

Yesterday, started out like any other day, but the difference was I was feeling tired with no energy to do anything. Things lately have been a little rough and have been so challenging for me, especially as a wife. My husbands health and things we are dealing with have had me feeling so overwhelmed. I shared a bit about it on Instagram: @wifeyourenotalone

I stayed in bed for awhile, feeling just blah. I was struggling to breath. The entire day I was in my own world, not really caring about things around me. I was so emotional, crying here and there; crying out to God for help. I just felt angry.

Throughout the day I felt so anxious, I felt so alone and I felt like I couldn’t breath. I felt like everything around me was just caving in on me, I was suffocating. I felt defenseless. Never have I experienced such pain caused by depression.

I realized how bad it was when my mother in law came to drop something off, hearing her say hi from the door, stung. I didn’t want to be around anybody. I didn’t want anybody to see me. I didn’t want to see anybody… I finally got it. I finally understood what depression really is and how much of a thief it is.

…Can’t Beat The Cross

IMG_4384Sitting at the kitchen table, last night and still feeling a bit blah and as though I couldn’t breathe, I started drawing and painting. I didn’t know what I would be drawing. First, I had drawn the flower (I just love to draw flowers) then I went into that heart, but it wasn’t my intention to draw a heart. I was inspired by a plant I have on the table. The leaves are shaped like a heart. I attempted to draw that… but I began drawing what I was feeling.

I felt my heart darkening and being surrounded by darkness. I just kept darkening the heart without realizing why. As I kept painting, I felt to place the cross in the center of the “chaos.” After doing so I literally heard these words, “Depression can’t beat the cross.” Then I felt led to add light bursting out, breaking free from that darkness. I connected the flower as it represented freedom.

I started crying. God had used my own painting to minister to me. It reminded me that the cross has power to defeat the lies that try to overtake me. The same is true for you. 

This isn’t the first time I draw out what I feel inside. He reminded me of that. A few minutes later, after that encounter with Him I realized that I was no longer feeling anxious or as though I couldn’t breath. I felt a sense of peace come over me.

This morning He reminded me of the verse: “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”-2 Corinthians 3:17 

The Spirit of the Lord resides in my heart… the very thing that the enemy tried to overtake. Greater is the power of the CROSS, than any scheme from the enemy.

My husband is such a wise man. Many times God has used him to speak words of encouragement into my heart and to confirm a lot of things. For example: he told me today, “I believe God allows us to go through things like this to bring us understanding of what others are going through.” I wasn’t seeing it like that.

Our marriage. His health. Me currently re-struggling with anxiety, depression and self-harm… someone needs to hear that they aren’t alone and that I, too, go through it. I believe that He will bring someone in my path who needs encouragement, someone who is facing the same things. Someone who needs to hear that there is a way out. That the cross has power to defeat the darkness! -Stephanie

Freedom Reigns

After my experience last night and my husband and I coming closer, I feel a lot stronger, today. I went to bed to my husbands embrace and I woke up to his embrace. God knew how much I needed that; needed to feel my husband’s love and support in all that I am going through.

Freedom is what I am feeling today because of the One who lives within me. It’s no coincidence that the topic, today is Freedom. Though we celebrate 4th of July, there is a deeper freedom God wants to impart to everyone. A freedom that truly lasts and that is ever life changing. FREEDOM REIGNS. He is FREEDOM. 

Prayer, My Heart’s Desire

I pray that this blog blesses all who come across it. That it will impart God’s true love upon them and they will be able to feel His embrace. I pray that freedom will come upon every heart and every mind that is currently being tormented by the lies of the enemy. I declare a divine intervention for those who are on the verge of taking their life or wanting to harm themselves.  I pray for protection and for guidance. I also pray that those who do not know God will come to experience and know who He is and open their hearts to Him. ❤ 

-Stephanie

 

 

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“Freedom reigns in this place.

Showers of mercy and grace.

Falling on every face, there is freedom.”

Freedom Reigns by Jesus Culture