Begin

Hello, loves!

I know I have been MIA for awhile. Life has just been happening and I have been, or still am in a season of just being… silent. It’s been so hard to just sit  back and allow what needs to be done. If you are like me and like to share every. single. thing, then you know how hard it’s been. I have really been trying to be intention with spending time alone with God and just being led by Him.

He has really been speaking into my life and ministering a bunch of healing into my heart. I have been dealing, still with my husband’s passing and having to confront so many different memories I realized I pushed away because of them being so hard to think about.

One thing for sure is, He has really been speaking to me about what it is to start AGAIN.

 

When life hits you hard and you find yourself trying to get back to “normal,” and you realize nothing will ever be the same again, begin again.
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🌸For me that phrase is starting over, starting fresh. I have spent so much time trying to get back to my own “normal,” and struggled to realize that it is gone. Nothing is or will ever be the same and because of that, I am no longer the same. I am ok with that. 

🌸The heartbreak, the pain has made me realize that I am stronger. The wrong choices that led to abandonment and rejection have only made me wiser. 

Begin again, where you are. Sometimes it can be scary, but remember you are not alone. –Stephanie Ann

Silence

For me being “silent,” isn’t as easy as I thought.

Being silent has meant not posting things on social media just to show people what I was up to, making a point or trying to prove something to everyone. When I was told to cut back on doing that, I realized how much of it I was actually doing.

We live in a time when everything is posted online for others to see.

I felt it was meant in a different way for me. It was a way to keep myself from losing credibility about my walk with God and who I really am. 

Sometimes we can post something that causes us to lose sight of who we are or cause others to change the way they see us. It really does take just one post.

I posted on Facebook every single bad thing I was feeling, but then I would post stuff about how good God is… I knew something needed change.

Not only has this season of being silent helped me see where I have been wrong, it has also taught me to just listen. It’s helped me stay still long enough to hear from God and allow Him to bring to the surface areas of my life that I had just smashed down, never to be seen or thought of again.

It was time for them to rise to the surface because God wanted to set me free and heal that area of my life. 

Staring Death in The Face

A week ago my emotions were all over the place. I felt angry. I felt sad. I just felt emotional. I had no idea why. Things from my husband’s passing would pop into my head at random times and I would become teary eyed and just push them donw, again. I just didn’t want to confront them.

I was really missing him.

One night, as I was laying in bed, I kept tossing and turing. I just couldn’t sleep. Out of no where fashbacks from the hopsital where my husband passed away came to mind. All of a sudden I got a flashback of the day my husband died. I quickly sat up and began to cry. It was a cry that came from the pit of my stomach; a cry filled with so much pain. I told God, “no!”  I didn’t want to relive that moment.

All I heard was, “what do you see?” He was asking me to say out loud the memory that was tormenting me. I told him, “I see his dead body laying there, him so lifeless.”  It was the memory of when I walked into the room only to see him like that.

I couldn’t help but break down and let out many silent screams. Something was being broken and I was being set free. I felt so much peace when it was done and I heard these gentle words; “It was necessary for healing.” He then went on to remind me of how far I have come since my husband passed away.

God knew that I was still struggling with the breakup of this last relationship I was in. He told me, “If you were able to get through that (my husband’s passing) then can get through anything.” In other words, if I have been able get through the most difficult thing in my life, then there is nothing that I cannot overcome.

The same goes for you. If you have been through something so traumatic, so painful and have been able to get through, then there is nothing that you cannot overcome. He is your strength in times of trouble. 

‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.’

Psalms 46:1

 

Nothing Is Normal

Going back to the part above, talking about beginning again.

This whole time, after my husband’s passing I wasted time trying to get back to “normal” and wanting things to back to normal. I struggled to get into the flow of this new life before me ,because I was trying to hold on to the past; the good things.

In this season, I have been learning that it’s really ok to move on. It’s ok to starting living this new life I have been given. Day by day I am learning how to begin again and enjoy it. Whatever that may look like for you, whether you’re a widow, orphan, whatever circumstance you’re in, YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.

The hardest past about all of this; widowhood, miscarriage… is seeing it as a blessing and a fresh start. How??? By truly believing that God is a good God and that He has a plan for every single thing we go through, it’s also truly believing that it’s all been His will. 

That is what has gotten me through all of this. 

Every time I felt God to be unjust in all that He has allowed to happen in my life, this verse was always brought before me in so many different ways.

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘

Jeremiah 29:11

Close friends/family would send it to me because it was on their heart, or I would hear it somewhere or I would be shopping and see it on a notebook. It was God whispering it into my heart, to remind me that His plans for me were NOT to harm me, but to prosper me. It was His way of reminding me that if I had gotten everything I wanted or believed for, it wouldn’t have been such a blessing.

We ask for what we think we need, but in God not granting that request it is Him protecting us and saving us for something so much better.

Yes, my husband is gone, but I still believe God has someone greater for me.

Yes, my baby is now in heaven, but I believe that God will bless me and future husband with a beautiful family.

Everything has it’s timing.

You want to know the honest truth and the reason I have been able to move forward and no longer feel guilty?

God told me:  my husband was only meant to be in my life for a season. He was used to help me grow in the things of God, bring healing and restoration to my life. My husband’s purpose on earth had also been done and it was time to go home for a greater purpose.

When that revelation came into my heart, it set me free. It helped me understand that it is ok to keep living my life.

It’s ok to keep living yours as well. ❤

The love my husband and I had for each other, will never fade from my heart. He will always have his place in my life. Nothing or no one will be able to take that away. I know I will just learn how to put that aside, the day God brings the right one into my life.

In the mean time I am still learning how to “drive” this new life, this new me. I am happy with it just being me and Him. 

I am in a very good place, emotionally.

Truest Friend

I woke up today; still missing a part of me. There is a yearning in my heart to see him, to speak with him. I feel him around, as though You are trying to comfort me, but it only makes me miss him so much more. How does one move forward? How much time should pass? When is it too much or too little time? In my alone time with You, I cried out. With tears in my eyes and a heart full of pain; I confessed. I do not understand. In the not understanding it hurts. I trust You; my heart cried out. All I could say was, “You know the plans You have for me…” Immediately my heart trusts you. You are getting me through the most difficult time of my life, there is nothing You will not see me through. I believe You.

Memories

When I go back to the place where we met; immediately memories flood my heart. I can still see him there. His smile is unforgettable; his character contagious. Alone in the Your house I was surrounded by him; the memories of him. That was his place; the stage. He was your worshipper. 

I stood around the piano; I could still see him playing. I could hear him singing. Every part of Your house reminds me of him. The thought of now entering a new year without him, still stings! 

I felt a desire to go; You were calling me. 

You showed me so many things; reminded me of so many things. You do not let me forget the kind of person he was. I want to be like him. I want to have the heart he had for you. 

Letting Go

For the whole month of December I have been battling depression and so many other things, due to the thought of entering a new year literally without my husband.

I had found myself holding on to what has already happened and still the memories I had with him in 2018, when he was still here. In my heart I felt guilty stepping into something new and moving on, as though it meant I was about to forget my husband and everything we shared.

I sat alone in the church and I had this vision of myself. It was me there with one hand holding tightly to the past and the other hand outstretched towards what’s ahead. I was stuck in the middle; one foot in and the other one out.

I sat there; the exact same way. My left hand was clenched and my right was open. I cried… I prayed. I confessed and declared that me letting go of the past and what has already happened didn’t mean I was going to forget my husband or the memories, it meant that I was going to let go of all the bad; the hinderances. As I was praying and opening my heart to God I could feel my grip loosening up. He was there helping me let go; helping me let go of the hurt, the pain and every hinderance in my life.

I wasn’t alone. 

If I am being honest, I am scared. I don’t know why all this is happening. I don’t know what is going to come out of all this. I don’t understand and I made that known to God. I yelled it out, then I quickly realized it was the cause of all that I have been feeling. Once I expressed it, a wave of peace and calm came over me.

A weight was lifted from my shoulders. I trust God. I believe that He knows the plans He has for me and for all this that He has allowed to unfold. God isn’t a liar; nor does He rejoice in seeing His children suffer; hence my husband now being Home and well. 

The thought of “letting go,” well… it’s always been hard. I have always been the one to try to hold to things as long as I could because I never knew when it would come again. In this case, I am still longing for my husband, still trying to hold on to him because I think someone like that will not come again. It’s a lie.

Truest Friend

Never in my life have I met someone like my husband; someone so caring, so genuine, so loving. He accepted you as you were, without judgement. He made you feel safe to be yourself and open up to share the hidden secrets and would let you know that it was ok.

I remember when he and I first met; I felt that immediate connection with him, I was able to open up to him. Our sense of humors linked together… there was never a dull moment. That’s what I miss so much!

The feeling of being safe around him, I will never forget. I remember sharing with him a poem, that I never shared with anyone else. I just felt comfortable with him. Not once did I feel judged… if anything he showed me God’s love that much more. He accepted me how I was. I was broken when I met him. I was lost, I was confused and I definitely didn’t see the worth that he had seen in me.

Our friendship grew… never in my life was I my true self, the way I was with him, and him with me. Our friendship was our foundation. I know it was because of our friendship in God that we were able to overcome so many things we went through, thought it was hard.

He loved me like no one ever had. He saw the best in me that no one ever had. He encouraged me and made me feel like I was capable of anything, things I never thought I could do. I am doing a lot of those things. I know he would be so proud of me.

The hurt part of me thinks that I will not have another person like that in my life again. That’s where the loneliness comes in and I begin to feel his absence that much more. But I have to remember that God is the God of restoration. He returns to you 100 fold what the enemy has taken from you. I am learning to trust His timing. 

Change Me

In this season of waiting, I am learning to be new. What has taken me years to let go of, I am beginning to see the kind of woman I was always meant to be. This journey of purity and pruning has been difficult, but I have opened my heart and surrendered everything that has always been a disturbance to my walk with God.

Some may think it’s too soon, or crazy, but I have already begun praying for my future husband. I have made known to God what I desire in a man, but at the same time, God made me see something. He said this, “You desire a man like that, then you must first allow me to change you and heal you so you can be the woman that he is desiring.” 

It makes sense; how can we desire something, without first making changes to our life? In doing so we are setting ourselves up for blessings. We cannot be given something good, when our hearts/lives are still a mess… we would not be able to appreciate it the way we should, and the bad cycle would happen all over.

God wants to break habits and change us, not because He is controlling, but because He wants the absolute best for our life. We are not the wisest when it comes to making decisions for our life. If we are truly honest, we get ourselves in more trouble than we ought, because we “think” it’s best for us. We find ourselves in relationships that only leave us broken and empty because we “thought” it was right…I can go on, but you get the point. 

I don’t want to be the same. I don’t want to walk into the new year being the same me. I don’t want to take old habits into the new and think that God will do something great… I am being broken only to be put back together the way He originally designed me to be.

I am learning to be pure in my thoughts and in my way of living. I am learning what it means to truly be a woman and the beauty it really is. 

I am tapping into a side of me that I never really paid attention to. What is beginning to unravel is something beautiful. I am being made new.

 

My Heart’s Prayer

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.-Psalm 139:23-24

 

Change me. Transform me. Make me like You. 

 

Not The Same

Not The Same

As the days have drawn near to Christmas, my emotions have been like a rollercoaster. I have felt the ups and definitely the downs. Today was just not the same.

My day started with going to service. Today was actually the Christmas service; although it was a great one and I saw a friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time & my heart was filled with so much joy when I saw him, but it was just not the same.

I am not the only one who felt my husband’s absence. I am not the only one who knew it wasn’t the same.

To top it off it was my mother in-laws birthday today.

Looking at her face while a little boy was playing his violin in front of the congregation, I knew we were both feeling the exact same thing. We were missing him. I just kept thinking about her and what she must have been feeling; her son no longer here and it being the first birthday that she was not greeted by him.

With tears running down my face, I write this blog.

No one knows the emptiness we carry in our hearts… one that only God can fill.

I Know The Plans…

When I look back at all this and begin to doubt or not understand, all I hear is; “I know the plans I have for you.” I hear it in my heart. I hear it in a preaching… I just hear it over and over; like today.

Slowly I am starting to see it. I am starting to understand things after having confronted them. I have had to stare my husband’s death in the face and allow God to heal me. I had to relive those painful memories over and over until they no longer tormented me.

The other day I had to relive that painful moment where I was texting everybody to let them know that; “Freddy just passed away.” I remembered and felt how I did that very moment. I just started crying and immediately tried to think of something else, but I couldn’t. I had to replay that over and over until it no longer hurt me.

That’s what I mean when I say I have had to confront a lot of things…

From my experience, it is necessary to relive such things in order for healing to come into your life. We make the mistake of thinking that it’s not necessary. Some people can’t handle it and choose to bury it deep down inside, not realizing that it’s causing them harm. To not confront something head on, is to leave a door open for something to get worse. Nothing ever gets better by avoiding the problem. 

There were so many things I was running away from. I was running away from all this pain, instead of allowing God help me through it. I was becoming like the Prodigal Son. I ran away from home to do what I thought was best for me:

Hanging out with new people. Going to a new church. Doing things that I normally didn’t do… and so on. It was a lie trying to keep me from dealing with the real problem inside.

Me running away only lasted so long until I felt God tell me to “come” back home. (My home church.) I had been visiting another church after thinking it was what I was led to do. I was wrong.

Slowly depression was creeping in. It was on a Monday; during prayer at my home church that I felt God tell me this:

“The only way you are going to win this battle is under your covering.”-God

I knew exactly what He meant. The week before I had been feeling so drained and so unprotected against everything I was going through. I was feeling so alone I was becoming vulnerable and spiritually weak. After prayer I left feeling covered; protected by God.

I no longer felt alone, but that I was in my right place. I was with the right, “army,” for this battle. 

I have been noticing a complete change in my life; my attitude and mentality. I am maturing; I am growing. I have surrendered everything to God and have been allowing Him into my life, to be that friend I am longing for; that friend I lost when my husband passed away.

For someone to hold on to this promise: “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future…” requires so much faith. It’s like I have jumped off the cliff with the assurance that He will catch me. And He has been. 

The Ultimate Promise

I have made God so many promises and not kept most of them; but this one I have even though it’s been so hard!!! Since day one of my walk with Him, I promised God over and over that:

No matter what I faced or no matter what came against me; I wouldn’t give up or let go. That I was willing to go through whatever it took to be where He wanted me to be and have all that He had planned for me.

It has not been easy and He knows there have been times I wanted to walk away.. but it was because of my relationship with my husband that kept me there.

No matter what I have faced or will face, I know I am the house that has been built on the Rock and not the sand.

Therefore these storms that have been coming at my life… cannot knock me down.

He is with me; I will not fall.

Learning To Walk

I just want to hold you. I ran to you like the little girl I am, in your eyes. I threw myself in your arms and tightly I held you. That’s all I want to do; expressing my gratitude for all You have done for me. I am thankful. Though my heart still hurts, You give me strength to wake up each morning and get through the day. Papa I am stepping out of my comfort zone; I can hear how proud You are of me. My story coming forth; a beautiful masterpiece it’s becoming.

I am a giggly child excited about what is coming. I jump up and down clapping my hands at the thought of Your goodness in my life. There is no love like Yours; there is no love like Yours. I adore you, I love you. ❤

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Learning To Walk

In my time with Papa, I felt this urge to just hug him. I saw myself like a little girl running to my Father and just wrapping my arms around Him. I am thankful and I am beyond blessed by what He has been doing in my life these past few weeks; since my husband’s death.

I see Him moving around me, I see Him moving in my life… in every thing regarding me. I see how He is using my life to inspire others and at certain times I think to myself… how can it make such an impact on others? When I think something is small, God magnifies it for others to see; to see Him through my life and circumstance.

Lately I have been stepping out of my comfort zone like never before. I am learning to walk on my own with God. I am learning to open myself up to new and exciting things that He is leading me to and the people He is now placing in my life. It’s a season where I cannot stay quiet about what has been going on in my life.

Sometimes I take a small step back to acknowledge everything that is happening in my life and I am in awe. I just think; “Lord, it’s all you!” It really is because I have no idea how I am able to walk with so much peace, strength, courage and confidence, especially since it’s been only a month that my husband went HOME.

I give God all the glory. ❤

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It’s A New Day

I found myself reflecting on my life and how I have been given a unique opportunity. A new beginning in my walk with God. I was telling my pastora (pastor’s wife) that I have been given a new opportunity to serve Him.

I have said this before, but the way it sounds is not how I mean it. Now that I have become a widow, I feel free. Free to do what I am supposed to do. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just something that I can’t really explain.

I am free to move. I am free to go where God is leading me. I am free to serve.

That’s the unique thing about it, especially since I never thought I would be a widow at my age.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and said “yes,” to God. I said, “take my broken and put me together the way You see fit.” I said, “here I am, Your will be done.” He took me at my word and has begun His perfect work in my life. 

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When I Cannot See

In this season of my life, I am like Abram, before he was named Abraham. I find myself tuning my ear into God’s frequency and saying, “yes.” I am slowly stepping out of all that has been so familiar and comfortable for me, into the unknown that He is leading me into.

It’s has been such a struggle. My faith has been tested, but even then I surrendered my life. I have known that God doesn’t need much from us to do something big. He says if we only have faith as small as a mustard seed He can do amazing things.

He has taken my mustard seed and has begun a good work. The biggest struggle has been not knowing where, how or why. 

Abram was told to leave his native land, his family; basically everything that hindered him. That’s where I find myself. What I learned is, those places of “comfort,” are not just physical places or things… it can also be emotional things.

For example: I always hid behind isolation. For a long time that was my comfort place; a distorted way of thinking from the enemy. I thought that pushing others or myself way was a safe place. It was a comfort for me so that I wouldn’t confront those difficult things.

In this season God is challenging so many other women to confront such things that they think are comfortable. He is wanting to lead them into the unknown, but where it will be a blessing for them. He is wanting to expand their faith and do great and mighty things in their life, but only if they have that faith to trust Him even when they can’t see the outcome yet. 

God will never ask us to leave something that is so familiar to us only to abandon us in the wilderness. On the contrary, He is leading us into something prosperous, something wonderful and that is going to be a huge blessing to us and those around us.

In this season, God is taking all that I thought was insignificant and turning it into something beautiful that He is starting to manifest to others around me. He has been taking me through this unknown and revealing to me so many wonderful things.

Through the death of my husband, God has been calling me out and telling me to get up and walk. Well, walk where? I don’t know. I still don’t know what is going to come out of all that has happened to me. I don’t have all the answers and I definitely do not know where I will end up. I trust Him.

Like Abram, I am being tested. God’s promises cannot come to pass in my life until I fully trust and obey God. Abram would eventually become the “Father of many nations,” but first God has to test him and Abram had to have that faith to obey and go into the unknown.

The Lord said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you.” -Genesis 12:1

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The Unknown

I was sharing with a group of women how I used to be. I was opening up about how I used to need to know every single detail before I jumped into it. I needed to know who was going to be there, how to get from here to there and so on.

I needed to plan out everything before doing it. I hid behind my husband. He was my shield in those moments I felt so uncomfortable. But now I felt like I have been pushed to the front line, where I cannot hide behind anything anymore.

I have been fully exposed, but for a reason. I had been such a timid person for so long that God had no choice but to remove that shield in order for me to not have the opportunity to hide. In the midst of this exposure I have had to learn how to trust God. I have also learned how to fight on my own, with Him.

I have had to confront a lot of things that I always just pushed to the side. I am a stronger woman now, I am learning how to stand in the gaps for others and be that fighter God called me to be. I am not a timid woman anymore. I am not an easy target for my enemy anymore.

What God allows to happen is for a reason. It’s never to harm us, but to help us grow.

To this day, I still don’t know why things have happened, but what I do see is that I am growing from it and being used to reach women around me. I am fighting for those who are still trapped and chained by what life has thrown at them.-Stephanie

I am standing in the gap for them and I am not backing down or giving up.

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Talking To My Husband

A part of the healing process of my current grieving has been, “talking to my husband,” as if he was here. I know that he isn’t and I don’t do it in a way that isn’t biblical. I am fully aware that he is gone and his spirit isn’t lingering around. I know where he is.

But the thing that has been so hard for me was bot being able to text him or tell him about my day, especially now that I have been working. Last night I was asked to speak at the women’s life group. It was such a blessing for me and a step into what God is leading me to do.

On the drive home I was feeling that urge to talk to him and tell him how it went, so I did. I spoke as if I was directly talking to him and all of a sudden, I felt that he was telling me, “I am proud of you.” In my mind I heard his voice and tears began to form in my eyes.

I know it is God. God is proud of me. I know my husband would be so proud of me and all that I am doing and especially about the woman I am transforming into. There’s still apart of me that hurts and wishes I was more like this when he was still here. Sometimes I am hard on myself and think why did I have to wait until this happen for me to open up to God?

The answer is, some of us are so stubborn and hard headed that we need to go through something like this for God to finally get ahold of us. Even them, some people just rebel. I didn’t want to. I didn’t give myself a choice. I chose to surrender and trust God with my life.

In all honesty, that has helped me in my time of grieving. That’s why others are able to see me go through life with strength, courage, peace and so much more, that it leaves them in awe.

I have heard so many times, “I don’t think I would be as strong as you if I went through something like that…” My response is, what you’re facing might not be as big as what I am going through, but at the moment it’s big in your life… and if you’re able to remain strong in that, then you will be able to stand when something harder comes at you. Everything is just a moment of strengthening for something greater.

In God’s eyes, it’s a big deal. He cares for you and your circumstances. 

So am learning how to walk this road of faith; of trust. I am walking into the unknown and I am no longer afraid of it because I know the One who goes before me. The verses below have been such a blessing for my life in this season. I have been learning how good He is how He is the good Shepherd. He leads us on the right path. He protects us from harm and cares for us.

Applying it to my life, I am the lamb, He is my life’s shepherd. He has been leading me into new and exciting things, BECAUSE I HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO. I am not fighting Him anymore because I have fully understood that He is for me and not against me. 

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“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.
“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me just as the Father knows me and I know the Father and I lay down my life for the sheep -John 10:11-15

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<3

On days like today, I miss you. When emotions rise I turn around and realize you are no longer there. Tears fall from my eyes and I am reminded of the pain I still have within. A lot has changed. A lot has been taken. A lot, I am still adjusting to. I miss you. How I wish to express to you all that I am going through; the excitements, the joys, the ups, the downs. Lonely it can feel, but I know I am not.

I missed you yesterday, I miss you today and I will miss you tomorrow.

Story Behind The Poem

Today was an emotional day, if I am being completely honest. I was feeling really alone, down about mistakes I have been making (on my first two days in my new job) and I had been missing my husband.

Yesterday, I had such a good time at my new job, that on my lunch break, as soon as I got into my car, my first thought was; “I am going to text babe and tell him how my day is going.” I immediately remembered how I can no longer do that. It made me so sad.

For the past eight years, he had been the one I would go to, telling him about the kind of day I had. On days like today, I was reminded of what he would be telling me. I was sitting in my car at lunch and tears just began to fall down my face. God reminded me of what He would place in my husband’s heart to tell me.

Things like:

“You are an amazing woman. You’re smart and you will figure things out. I know things will get better. You can do this. I am so proud of you!”  

I couldn’t help but cry. I needed to let what I was feeling out. I went back from lunch feeling so better and stronger. I needed that encouragement from God at that moment.

A Lot To Get Used To

There is still a lot that I am learning to do on my own. There are a lot of things I am now doing on my own, and sometimes it scares me, but God has shown me that I have been more than capable to handle everything I am now going through.

I have been blessed with a job that I am really enjoying. He put everything into place for me. His promises for me are manifesting, without me having to do anything, but absolutely trust Him and continue to seek Him. I am truly grateful for all He is doing and has been doing for me and around me.

I am now learning to run to God, the way I used to run to my husband. I am learning to express to Him how my day has been, what I am feeling and allowing Him to speak words of encouragement into me, the way my husband would. He is my everything and I need to begin really opening myself up to Him. After all, He is ALWAYS here with me.

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I Am Growing

As a seed is planted and the plant begins to break ground spring forth, so am I at the moment. God’s promises of who I am meant to be are beginning to spring forth, breaking ground; breaking through old ways, habits, old characteristics, etc.

Because it has to do with the flesh, it hurts. God is springing forth new things; courage, strength, boldness, confidence, new identity, new capabilities… a brand new me. It’s the season of growth.

Embracing Widowhood

I have been learning to embrace widowhood and allow God to use me in this area. I have been learning how to cope with grief and what’s been happening. I have been clinging to God like never before, and I have been seeing Him in my life, like never before. I have been encountering God in a brand new way, in ways that proves He is so real. (I have already known that.) It’s been a revelation in a whole new way.

After my husbands death, God manifested Himself. He become more real than ever.

Love Notes

What I have been truly missing are the little love notes my husband used to randomly place around the house. It was so special to me when I would find a note that had been sitting in that spot for days until I finally found it. Things like that meant so much to me. It was such a loving gesture from my husband to remind me of how much he loved me and how he felt about me.

Lately, God has been doing the same thing, but in a different way. He has been randomly sending me “Love Notes,” when I need them most. He has been using people to send me scriptures, cards and notes. He has been reminding me of how much He loves me, how He is always here with me and for me. He has also reminded me that things will get better and how He is watching over me.

This was the recent “love note,” He sent me through someone.

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;
the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the God of all the earth.

– Isaiah 54:4-5

Like I didn’t have to work for my husband’s love and affection, I don’t have to work for God’s perfect love and affection. It has taken me a really long time to accept that, but recently it’s been a lot easier. I guess it’s because my heart first had to be broken and made new, in order to receive all that He is doing in my life right now.

Whatever He is doing in my life, I have accepted it. I have learned to back down and just surrender. With all this, I lost my fight; fighting for my own ways, fighting for what I think is right for my life. Only God knows what I need and the best ways for me to go. I’ve surrendered.

 

Self-Love

self-love
noun: self-love
regard for one’s own well-being and happiness

 

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Self-love is important to overcoming grief.

Be patient with yourself.

Love yourself. -Stephanie

 

I wrote that today.

It was a reminder that it’s going to take some time. It’s going to take me being patient with myself and knowing that it’s ok for me to feel what I feel, when I feel it in order to fully heal. It’s knowing that I don’t have to stay in what I feel and that I have a way out of it. My way out is, God.  

It’s a reminder that I need to love myself how I am, the brokenness and all. Because that’s how He loves me.  It’s a reminder that I am human and I don’t have it all together.

God never expects any of us to have it all together, that’s why there is a need for Him. 

COME TO ME AS YOU ARE. -GOD

 

No Other Choice

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I have always liked this quote, but now it has a more profound meaning to my life. Life has thrown me out of my comfort zone with NO choice, but to fight through the storms of: anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, fear, isolation and so much more.

When I say fight, I don’t mean on my own. I mean, not allowing myself to stay stuck in those places. I mean dealing with them without my husband around anymore. Without him comforting me like he used to. I had to learn to do it alone, with God.

Going backwards and falling into those traps was NOT an option for me, so strong is what I had to be an honestly, how I am handling things… I am manifesting a strength I never knew I had. I am doing things I never though I could or would ever do.

That takes special strength; that comes from God. Only God.

 

Song of The Season

Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship

 

 

Dear Spouses

Don’t take anything for granted. Wives, let your husband caress you and touch you. The day you no longer have that, is when you will be desiring to have it again. Same for the husbands.

Love each other and cherish each other. The days are not promised. Appreciate the time you spend together and never wish you had your own space. When that space is given, yet unwanted, you will be desiring to have them around again.

Never forget that you love each other. Never forget the promises you made to one another. Never forget the good things, but always strive to be better at creating even better things with each other.

Never be satisfied with taking, that you forget to out give one another. You are one. What hurts them should hurt you. What brings them joy should bring you joy.

Above all else, learn to love each other past the flaws, past the mistakes. Forgiveness is key. Above everything else, protect the friendship that first established your relationship. For when you protect that friendship, you protect your marriage.

Never take them for granted. -Stephanie

 

While I Wait

While I wait, I trust in You. You see all things and know my anxious heart. There is so much I long to do, yet I feel like my feet cannot move. When did my desires outweigh the want to be there where You have placed me? When did I become so eager to get up and walk out? While I wait, I ask for Your guidance. While I wait, humble my heart and let no pride overtake me. While I wait, change my attitude to accept my current place. Help me to love those around me and give me the patience to wait for Your leading.

Is It Time For Something New?

Happy Monday, loves! I wanted to share something that has been on my heart for quite some time now. It’s been something that I have not been able to shake and have only kept to myself until, now. I just want to open up and be transparent, for I know that others are struggling with the same thing. It’s regarding your place and how you can start feeling as though it’s time for something new, but waiting on God to confirm and move you first.-Stephanie

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Ever felt like you no longer belong where you’re at? Like the time has come for you to move on to something better? I am currently in that season, but I have been praying for guidance regarding that.

There is so much I desire to do, but I feel where I am at, is not the place for that to happen. I have been feeling like this for some time. It hurts to feel this. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s God leading us to something better. I am still unsure. The last thing I want it to be is, emotion. 

Yesterday, service was good. It felt so good to finally be there after missing a couple weeks, due to my husbands knees. I felt connected. I felt so much joy to be able to praise and worship God in His house. But the last few times, I have left service feeling the same thing.

There was this one time, during worship where I heard these words; “Not here.” (It was in regards to me wanting to do so much more than what I am currently doing. It was regarding my deep desire to share my story and help other women.)  To this day, I am still asking God to reveal to me what that meant. I am asking for clarity and revelation, because the last thing I want is to make a move, without Him.

When something is meant to happen, God opens doors and shuts those doors that no longer pertain to you. The key is to wait patiently for Him to lead. Something out of order and out of it’s right time will only fall apart.-Stephanie

It’s liberating to finally let this out. It’s liberating finally learning how not to hold back. Yesterday, I wrote something to God. I wrote my deepest desire and how I want Him to prepare me for it. It was a bold request. Those are the kind of prayers He likes.

While I Wait

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We all know that there are times when we must make changes for our lives. It can be switching jobs, moving to a new city/state… etc. But while waiting we are still expected to do our best where we are for the time being.

God has us there for a reason, but we believe that there will be a time when He will ask us to go. I want to do more. I desire to do more and I don’t see myself doing it there. ((Of course, I can be so wrong, that’s why I continue to ask God for wisdom.)) For the mean time, I need to continue to seek God; allowing Him to change me.

It’s no coincidence that during this season with my husbands health, things have been changing. We have seen who is really there and who isn’t. But it doesn’t surprise me, this time. I have been accepting such things as God shifting things around and protecting us. It has taught us both to rely solely on Him and each other. It has broken us free from the dependency on people.

I used to see that as there was something wrong with me, that people were being removed from my life. I used to wonder what was so wrong with me that they no longer want to be around me.

I have understood there are seasons in which people are there and aren’t.  

Moving Before It’s Time

I was just reminded of a story in the bible where a family packed up and left due to the famine in their land. They weren’t seeing what they needed, so they got up and left, thinking it was the right thing to do. They left the place God had them, for something they were lacking. God didn’t send them. God didn’t instruct them to move. In doing so, life turned upside down and the men in the family died. Things went horribly wrong for them, because they left without God’s guidance. -Ruth 1

What “famine” are you currently facing in your life? What are you currently lacking in your life, that you think you will find in a new job or in a new city? I ask myself that same question. I guess my answer would be: fulfillment. The feeling and assurance that I am doing what God has called me to do and no longer sitting on the, “sidelines.” I don’t like that feeling at all.

I am like that player who is eager to play; the one who cannot just sit still and watch things happen; or like that student who has the right answer, but is never called on. That’s how I feel, where I am at. I am being honest.-Stephanie

I am not perfect, of course I still have a lot to learn… but no one is perfect. I just keep waiting for my time and for the right place, to be set free.

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Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous. 
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. -Psalm 27:14

My Vulnerability

It hurts. I get angry. I grow impatient. There are times I wish I could just do what I feel, but I know first hand that things don’t go well when I do. Patience has never been my strong quality. It’s always being tested and there are times I really do fall short.

But it’s in giving God full control of my life, that I have been able to see blessings and things fall into place without me doing a thing.

I see a lot of things. I don’t agree with a few things. My job isn’t to criticize, judge, or rebel; it’s simply to pray. That is still my home. That is still the place where I am being strengthened and molded.

You want to be blessed in all you do? Remain humble and submissive, where you’re at. Continue to do your best, even when you don’t agree with how things are going or with the people. Being led my Him, rather than emotions, keeps you under his covering of protection and blessings. Never move from where you are because of what you lack, see or feel. Let it be Him who directs your steps.-Stephanie

Truth

You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

-Proverbs 21:19

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We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

-Proverbs 16:9

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Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.

-Proverbs 16:3

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Final Thoughts

When I write, my mind is at ease. There have been times when God reveals to me many things as I type. A few of my questions have been answered through my blog posts. I think that is amazing. In this case, I am still waiting for God to reveal to me His plan for me and my marriage; what He wants us to do and where He wants us to go, if He does.

While I wait, I want to remain humble. While I wait, I want to remain full of love for my neighbors. While I wait, I want to become a better version of myself and be molded into who I need to be. While I wait, I want to be prepared for what’s to come. While I wait…-Stephanie 

Beauty Lies Within

It’s amazing to me how just one thought can send me back to a place I hoped to never return, again. I woke up, with joy I looked at myself in the mirror; my progress I could clearly see. As the clock ticked and time passed, I began thinking things that are no longer true. I tried this on, I tried that on… I didn’t like. I started to lose sight of the progress I have made and I became miserable. Oh how my eyes deceive. Oh how my thoughts taunt me. By Your strength and truth I pushed through, though deep down, comparing myself I was. Oh, that lie!

It’s Amazing

What a day it has been…

This morning I got out of bed and the first thing I did, like every morning, was look at myself in the mirror. I liked how I looked and the shape my body is taking. I felt happy; until it was time for me to get dressed for the day.

I went ahead and tried on a few things, some new pieces. I wasn’t surprised that those were still a little snug-I see that as motivation. So I was ok with that. I went on to search for a pair of pants that I wore awhile ago. I was excited. Trying them on I realized they didn’t fit like they used to. (This is where the lies began leaking in.) First, I was like ok these just shrunk when my husband accidently threw them into the dryer, but then it just kept picking at me when I was looking for a top to match. Long story short, I wasn’t happy with how I was looking.

The entire time we were out I felt so bloated. The enemy in my ear telling me, “You’re still fat!” I was feeling so uncomfortable and almost self-conscious, again. I was beginning to compare myself with every woman passing by and comparing my outfit to theirs. It was literally making me unhappy about myself. I was getting angry at myself because I didn’t “look” like them. I was getting upset because my progress wasn’t fast enough. 

I was telling my husband that, it’s amazing to me to how one minute I was so happy about my body and the next, because of something that didn’t fit right, I felt sad and almost bad about myself.

It happens a lot! We can feel so good about ourselves and see so much progress we’ve made, but when it comes to something that isn’t flattering to our figures, we lose sight of the good.

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I’m Flattered

When it comes to my body, it’s taken me years to finally accept myself and be happy in my own skin. It’s taken me so much time to finally accept that my beauty isn’t what is seen on the outside. It’s what I carry on the inside that radiates outward. I finally understood that I have been, “fearfully and wonderfully” made. So have you. ❤

I have been there; thinking something looks good, then trying it on to only realize that it wasn’t right for by body, like it was for “hers.” I have also been that girl to criticize myself because of one piece of clothing. How much value and power we give such things over how we feel and see ourselves. That needs to stop because it’s not the clothing that give us worth, value or our beauty. It’s God.-Stephanie 

I have learned this, the hard way.

So many tears. So many self-critiques. So much self-hate.

I wasted a lot of time allowing material dictate how I see and feel about myself. Today, I broke free from that lie. I determined myself to believe what my Father says about me. I determined myself to reflect on the progress I have made and remember how I was, this time last year. I am not the same. 

When I talk about how clothes and such aren’t what makes us important, I don’t mean that we shouldn’t look our best or wear what we like, because I do it. What I mean is, we shouldn’t depend on such things to give us worth or make us “feel” beautiful. ((I am so guilty of this and I have asked God to help me with it. )) That’s something we should already know, regardless of what doesn’t fit or look right.

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I Ate, I Enjoyed

To really break free from the, “you’re fat” torment, I ate what I wanted and enjoyed it. Yes, I enjoyed my Mexican food, with my husband and dad. I didn’t pick at myself for eating that, because one “treat” meal isn’t going to bring all the weight I have lost, back. I simply enjoyed the food.

I had a delicious chocolate chip cookie. I had a yummy Caramel Macchiato with almond milk, too. Guess what, I am not fat. I am not huge. I am not anything the enemy was yelling in my ear.

So, about my clothes not fitting how I want them too, well it’s my GOAL. Instead of picking at myself, I will work harder. Instead of beating myself up about it, I will make better choices. That’s, that.

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Encouragement

I know I am not the only one who goes through this. I am not the only who has tried something on and completely hated how they looked and felt in it. I am not the only one.

For those who are struggling with this, I say this:

“You are so beautiful. There is no amount of clothing that can take away what God has already said about you. You are his masterpiece and what is the most beautiful about you is, your heart. Your smile. Your personality. You are a gorgeous GEM. Your worth doesn’t come from the size you are, or what didn’t look good on you. Your worth comes from a loving Father who created you in His image and says, ‘I take delight in you.’ He looks at you with so much love and awe. That’s how you should see yourself.”

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 “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”-Song of Songs 4:7

Those words are for me too. I take them and I hold them close to my heart, because I know, when Gods looks at me He sees nothing wrong with me. He calls me beautiful. He calls me worthy. He calls be his delight. He says this about you, too.  I say this with so much love; If someone continues to tell you, you are beautiful, believe them. 

After years of being self-conscious, I literally just started accepting those compliments from my husband. I know he loves me. I know he tells me the truth. Knowing that I am beautiful in my Fathers eyes and his, is all I need. ❤

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.-1 Peter 3:3-4

He sees the heart, not what’s on the outside. Always know that true beauty doesn’t come from what you wear, but from the attitude of which you carry inside about yourself, and those around you. It’s a lie to think that having the latest fashions or a new haircut considers you beautiful or helps make you feel better about yourself. Though it may, it’s only temporary. One who chases such things is never satisfied and is always searching for something else to fill that void. 

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Quotes

“You’re beautiful. 🌸

It’s not about what’s on the outside. It’s about what’s on the inside. Your heart manifests and radiates a beauty that no amount of looks can. Attitude of the heart goes further than how you look.”-Stephanie

🌸-“True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly know who she is in Christ”-Unknown

🌸-“Beauty isn’t about having a pretty face. It’s about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart and a pretty soul.”-Unknown

🌸-“Nothing makes a woman more BEAUTIFUL than the belief that she is BEAUTIFUL.”-Uknown

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“True beauty of a woman is not a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.”-Audrey Hepburn

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Freedom

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. A promise I hold close to my heart. You have said time and time again that nothing or no one can separate me from Your unfailing Love; no darkness, no highs, no lows, not even the mistakes I have made. Perfected in your Love, I am. I do not fear of what lies ahead. Though many things around me attempt to torment me, captivating my thoughts, You set me free because nothing outweighs the CROSS.

 

freedomWhere the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.-2 Corinthians 3:17

Painting by: Stephanie Ann Hernandez

Depression…

I am no stranger to depression. Throughout my life I have struggled with it and the torment; the lies and the loneliness it has brought me. But I have never experienced it like I have been, recently. It’s lasted a lot longer and my emotions have been all over the place and not to mention a sudden temptation to “cut.” Yesterday was the worse.

Thoughts so loud saying, “cutting will make you feel better.” It painted a really good picture of escaping my reality, like I had mentioned in my last Blog Post: Unveiled.

Yesterday, started out like any other day, but the difference was I was feeling tired with no energy to do anything. Things lately have been a little rough and have been so challenging for me, especially as a wife. My husbands health and things we are dealing with have had me feeling so overwhelmed. I shared a bit about it on Instagram: @wifeyourenotalone

I stayed in bed for awhile, feeling just blah. I was struggling to breath. The entire day I was in my own world, not really caring about things around me. I was so emotional, crying here and there; crying out to God for help. I just felt angry.

Throughout the day I felt so anxious, I felt so alone and I felt like I couldn’t breath. I felt like everything around me was just caving in on me, I was suffocating. I felt defenseless. Never have I experienced such pain caused by depression.

I realized how bad it was when my mother in law came to drop something off, hearing her say hi from the door, stung. I didn’t want to be around anybody. I didn’t want anybody to see me. I didn’t want to see anybody… I finally got it. I finally understood what depression really is and how much of a thief it is.

…Can’t Beat The Cross

IMG_4384Sitting at the kitchen table, last night and still feeling a bit blah and as though I couldn’t breathe, I started drawing and painting. I didn’t know what I would be drawing. First, I had drawn the flower (I just love to draw flowers) then I went into that heart, but it wasn’t my intention to draw a heart. I was inspired by a plant I have on the table. The leaves are shaped like a heart. I attempted to draw that… but I began drawing what I was feeling.

I felt my heart darkening and being surrounded by darkness. I just kept darkening the heart without realizing why. As I kept painting, I felt to place the cross in the center of the “chaos.” After doing so I literally heard these words, “Depression can’t beat the cross.” Then I felt led to add light bursting out, breaking free from that darkness. I connected the flower as it represented freedom.

I started crying. God had used my own painting to minister to me. It reminded me that the cross has power to defeat the lies that try to overtake me. The same is true for you. 

This isn’t the first time I draw out what I feel inside. He reminded me of that. A few minutes later, after that encounter with Him I realized that I was no longer feeling anxious or as though I couldn’t breath. I felt a sense of peace come over me.

This morning He reminded me of the verse: “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”-2 Corinthians 3:17 

The Spirit of the Lord resides in my heart… the very thing that the enemy tried to overtake. Greater is the power of the CROSS, than any scheme from the enemy.

My husband is such a wise man. Many times God has used him to speak words of encouragement into my heart and to confirm a lot of things. For example: he told me today, “I believe God allows us to go through things like this to bring us understanding of what others are going through.” I wasn’t seeing it like that.

Our marriage. His health. Me currently re-struggling with anxiety, depression and self-harm… someone needs to hear that they aren’t alone and that I, too, go through it. I believe that He will bring someone in my path who needs encouragement, someone who is facing the same things. Someone who needs to hear that there is a way out. That the cross has power to defeat the darkness! -Stephanie

Freedom Reigns

After my experience last night and my husband and I coming closer, I feel a lot stronger, today. I went to bed to my husbands embrace and I woke up to his embrace. God knew how much I needed that; needed to feel my husband’s love and support in all that I am going through.

Freedom is what I am feeling today because of the One who lives within me. It’s no coincidence that the topic, today is Freedom. Though we celebrate 4th of July, there is a deeper freedom God wants to impart to everyone. A freedom that truly lasts and that is ever life changing. FREEDOM REIGNS. He is FREEDOM. 

Prayer, My Heart’s Desire

I pray that this blog blesses all who come across it. That it will impart God’s true love upon them and they will be able to feel His embrace. I pray that freedom will come upon every heart and every mind that is currently being tormented by the lies of the enemy. I declare a divine intervention for those who are on the verge of taking their life or wanting to harm themselves.  I pray for protection and for guidance. I also pray that those who do not know God will come to experience and know who He is and open their hearts to Him. ❤ 

-Stephanie

 

 

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“Freedom reigns in this place.

Showers of mercy and grace.

Falling on every face, there is freedom.”

Freedom Reigns by Jesus Culture

Unveiled

I trust in you. When the storms are raging around me, You keep me in perfect peace. In Your presence I find rest, I am secure. My hope not shaken, my mind is at ease. I can finally breathe.

I sit here on the verge of tears. My heart hurts for all those who are dealing with this, for the people who feel as though there is no way out. I have been there, I know what it's like. My hearts deepest desire is to reach out and tell you there is hope. To tell you that there is a way out of the darkness. To scream to you that YOUR LIFE MATTERS!! To have you believe that you are loved.-Stephanie

I Can Finally Breathe

Anxiety has come and gone, recently. Laying in bed and feeling as though I am about to pass out…that, I am not unfamiliar with. Lately I have see so many people share their experiences with depression, anxiety and so on.. it’s real. It torments so many people. That was me a few days ago. My body was shaking, I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to pass out.

Things have been happening, things out of my control. I can honestly say I have been stressed and so overwhelmed… feeling so hopeless; feeling alone. My husbands health has been at a stand still, with other things happening. If you were to take a look at this situation from the outside, you would probably be thinking, “why do things like that happen to him?”

*Lauging.* I laugh because we too, have asked God that question. We have gone so low as to doubt him…(the reason for my anxiety and depression.)

Freedom Has Came

We all know that pressure builds up when things are left untouched and kept shoved inside. That was me. My mind had so many things in it.. so many worries and frustrations. In all honesty, I didn’t take much to set me off.

Of course, one foul word from my husband and I exploded. Laying in bed I let out silent screams as tears rolled down my face and I went as far as to dig my nails into my face and arms. That’s how angry I was.

I was so broken. I was so depressed. I was almost reverting to my old ways… self harming. I have spoken about my cutting. That temptation was trying to come back. I finally realized why I started cutting in the first place. (When I was in 8th grade.)

“God had showed me that it was my “false reality.” Cutting had become my way of escaping the harsh reality I faced everyday. God also showed me that cutting myself was a way of taking the control away from people. What I mean is this; it took the power away from people to hurt me. I controlled the pain and how much I wanted endure.”-Stephanie

If you really pay attention to those kinds of things, we can clearly see how demonic it is. It’s torment. It’s bondage. It’s a dark place.

I have finally understood why people feel the need to do such things.. and so sad to say, end up taking their life. It’s a false “escape.” It’s a lie that tells them that there is no other way out of it.

God is the way out. He is the freedom of bondage. He is life. 

Reverting

If I am being totally honest, things in my marriage and with my husband have not been ideal. I have struggled so much with everything going on. I have broken down so many times and felt depressed. Feeling hopelessness has been the worst! It was because of that that led me to revert to self harm.

I remember sitting here at the table, a few days ago and putting a small blade to my arm. Though it was a tiny cut, it was enough to snap me out of it. It was enough for me to see how low I allowed the enemy to take me.

I was wanting to revert to my old ways, taking the control into my own hands. I was trying to escape the reality in front of me. I was trying to take the control back… I was going about it all wrong. 

That same night I broke down, I released the pressures, the pain and frustration. I was set free. While laying in bed, screaming silently I felt something I hadn’t felt before. Angrily tossing and turning in bed I felt like I was being set free from something. (I was.) I mean as I was letting out those silent screams I felt as though things were being removed from me…

What People Don’t Say

Mental illness; depression, self-harm, anxiety, etc. are demons. 

They torment the mind causing people to do exactly what they feel inside. They hate themselves, so they are told to change their bodies. They are tired of feeling hurt so their mind tells them to harm themselves… it’s a sick a twisted game the devil plays with people who are vulnerable like this. ((I WAS ONE OF THEM!))

My recent experience with self-harm and depression and how I felt I was being set free from evil spirits; it reminded me of this story.

Jesus Restores A Demon-Possessed Man-Mark 5 

Click the link to read the full passage, but I want to focus on something.

“They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him.  This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain.  For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him.  Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.” -Mark 5: 1-5

Whether you want to believe it or not, there is a spiritual realm. There are angels and there are demons.

In that passage we can clearly see a man being tormented by evil spirits. Self-harm and mental illness isn’t something new. It’s been around for generations; centuries! The only way to really be free from it is by knowing the truth and opening up your heart to it.

Later in that passage we see that Jesus demanded that those spirits tormenting the man to come out. Reading it closely it shows us how that man had been in bondage for a long time. It also shows that no one could bind those spirits and no one was able to set him free, until Jesus came.

Jesus has the power to set every captive free. He has the power to restore someone’s life and give them hope, again. He has the power to save someone on the brink of suicide; death. 

Image result for suicide isn't the answer You matter. Your life matters. Your struggles matter. Your life can make a difference. 

“You’re not the only one going through things like this. I am nowhere near perfect. I am human and sometimes allow things to bother me so much. I have determined myself to trust God with every problem in my life and marriage. I realized that falling into the lies of the enemy, that’s what he wants. For his job is to kill, steal and destroy, but God says that He has come to give life and life in abundance.-John 10:10 I choose to believe that, that things will get better than to remain in that darkness.”-Stephanie

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Reference Verses

Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.- John 10:9-10

For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16

Salvation is for everyone. 

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by openly declaring your faith that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved.-Romans 10:9-11

For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”-Romans 10:13

God’s Love For You

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death no life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.-Romans 8:38

Nothing you do or will ever do will stop God from loving you and wanting a better life for you. He is merciful and always quick to reach out to those who are drowning in life’s problems and lift them up.

He loves you. You are loved. You are definitely loveable. 

 

It’s Been Days

There are still days I need reminders that I am not alone. There are days where I still find myself struggling to see things through faith, but I determine myself. I have seen God move in many ways, before. He never changes and is always the same. It’s been days and I have been doing so well. I have become stronger and I am no longer allowing things to affect me like before.

I was really set free. Someone who is set free, is free indeed.

“So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.”-John 8:36

 

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS GOING THROUGH DEPRESSION PLEASE DON’T KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. REACH OUT AND GET HELP.

 

Clayton Jennings- Please Don’t Kill Yourself

 

In The Photo

The woman in the Featured Image is me. It was taken during the time I felt depressed and hopeless. Incorporated was a curtain, symbolizing a veil. That’s what mental illness is. It’s a veil placed over our minds and eyes and keeps us from seeing the truth.

Shortly after this picture was taken, that’s exactly what happened to me. The veil was torn. I had planned on using that photo for some poem, but God had different plans.