I Don’t Want To Be.

I don’t know where to begin. Words have gone and all I have are thoughts; thoughts that silence me, no words to flow from my lips. I plot in my own mind how I will react to the next one, my heart just hardens. This person, I don’t want to be. This person, is no longer me, yet I am being pushed to it. I think I am getting stronger. Capable to endure whatever comes my way: words, actions… but in reality I am just shutting down and becoming numb.

Emotionally drained; I cant do it anymore. The cares to give are starting to become no more.

I Am Not Myself

I see myself in him. I see how I was and I don’t like it. All that is being reminded to me is; we reap what we sow.

The one person that truly cared about me, I made so many mistakes with. I see it clearly now. My heart hurts and I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could ask my husband for forgiveness. I wish I can have a do-over.

I hate the person I am seeing; in myself. I hate the person who I am not… I have to fight to keep my feelings from being hurt. I have to fight to keep myself up. I fight to protect myself… something I no longer had to do. I feel like as soon as my husband died, I reverted to that guarded girl. That girl no one was going to hurt… someone I don’t want to be; emotionless.

I am guarded and I hate it.

So many things cause a person to change who they are; into who they used to be or who they never were.

I feel myself fighting to NOT become who I used to be; this cold and careless person. A person with a hard heart and not caring about anything; a fiery cannon of a mouth. That’s not who I am anymore.

Lately specific things and circumstances have caused me to lash out and be on the defense when all I really desire is to feel safe. There is no safe place there, yet… I shouldn’t have to wait for one to be, in order for me to remain who I truly am.

 

I am not alone. God is with me. 

I am not who they say I am or how I think of myself. God loves me. 

I shouldn’t be afraid of winding up alone. God will never leave me or forsake me. 

 

Therefore nothing or no one should make me feel a way that I don’t want to feel.

I want to care.

When I think about my husband, I remember how he would always call out the best in me. I remember how he would always remind me of who I truly am. I remember how he just loved me even when I was wrong. I remember his patience for me and how much it helped me.

There are times I can just hear his voice; him telling me things to encourage me. That’s what has kept me going on those days I feel SO ENADEQUATE due to words and actions.

 

I AM NOT HOW OTHERS TREAT ME.

I AM NOT WHAT OTHERS THINK OR SAY.

 

How I have seen myself lately, has been through eyes of not being good enough and through the eyes of comparison. It has distorted my identity and has really shaken my confidence. It’s like I am being made to feel small, but God says I am seated in Heavenly places.

My heart… is the wellspring of life. It’s also something I have been fighting to protect. When this whole time, I could have just allowed God to protect it. I am the prodigal “daughter”… I have run away. I desire to return; into the Father’s arms, in my rightful place. 

 

My Prayer

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A man should always protect the delicate heart of a woman, ALWAYS.

All A Blur

My emotions fade away like a gush of wind, here one second and gone the next. Days have been a blur and my mind has been in a slumber. I finally come to, all I am reminded of is, what I no longer have. Nothing is like it was… nothing feels familiar anymore. I have stepped into new territory and honestly it scares me. I am afraid. I am no longer sheltered the way I once was. I find myself doing things I never imagined…  I still ask why. I still often wonder what the good of all this will be. I am still waiting.

I Am Not The Same Person

I cannot say this enough, I am not who I once was. Whether I like it or not, my life has taken on a huge blow… and it has changed the course of things. A sure path I once believed was the one I would be on for the rest of my life, no longer exists.

A new path was placed before me.. and I began to walk. Along the way I have encountered things and have done things I never thought I would do.

Most of them good and some… the acts of the flesh, but none regretted. I am finding who I am, though I know a few don’t agree with it. God loves me anyway.

I can feel the prayers of those who think I am in the wrong and who are scared for me. I feel the hypocrisy… I hate it. 

“I feel like screaming such things. Yes, it’s only been five months since my husband died… what? Did you want to see me depressed and miserable, still?”

There is no time limit for grieving. People move on faster than others; I still have my days. To say that I don’t would be a lie.

He Knows

Now a days, God seems to be the only one who I can truly talk to.. the very reason I have not felt alone. He knows what I have done; I tell him as if He didn’t know. I am honest and I haven’t hid a thing from Him. I know for a fact that He will never throw what I tell Him back in my face… and I know He isn’t condemning me.

“I have given God so many reasons not to love me, but none of them have changed His mind.”

These past few days I have been carrying a lot inside. I finally let it out. People haven’t spoken to me since they found something out. I feel people judging me and I feel people are not in agreement with the changes I have been making in my life.

All I can say is, you’re not me and don’t know what I am going through. You don’t know my heart. Unless you’ve walked in my shoes, you have no idea what it’s like. I really am doing my best. I am just not going to be what you expect of me. I am going to be who I need to be.

I Am Scared

I am scared!! I am scared to embrace what is right in front of me because I continue to look back and all I see is his face. I know others are still holding on to my husband. I know it’s gonna take time, but I want to move on already.

When is the right time?

I compare the what was to what is now and there are many differences, but I don’t want to back away. The uncertainty of it draws me in. I have fallen in love with the changes and the differences. It’s changing me and helping me to accept things I never thought I would… I truly believe it is helping me be a better person.

To accept what others may reject, is what is in my heart. To be there for someone who someone might have rejected, is what is in my heart. That’s where I am at right now. Let me.

It’s been proving to be a blessing, to know that nothing is a coincidence. 

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No Longer That Girl

I am no longer the girl I was before. I take a good look at who I have become and I am certain that I could not have done it without You. You alone have stuck by my side. Those moments I found myself on the floor crying out to You to come to my rescue; You were already there. I look back, not to reflect on the bad things, but to see how far You have brought me. Day by day I see myself walking out of the shell; stepping out of my comfort zones. I am not a scared little girl anymore with insecurities. I am now a woman with identity and confidence; a woman with purpose. Only You have seen all it’s taken for me to be who I am today, where I am today. No one but You deserves the glory, the honor. Your love for me is never ending; for that I am forever grateful. You took a broken girl and transformed her into a courageous woman, fearless of what’s to come. You have strengthened her and transformed her into a woman with purpose, a warrior. I can only thank You. -Heart of Grace ❤

Waking Up This Morning

I woke up this morning feeling so encouraged. I woke up with a specific song in my heart, and of course I can’t remember what it was. It was a worship song. I woke up feeling refreshed, especially after the week I had last week.

Since the year started, it seems like we have been under emotional attack. Things have not started the way I expected them to… but yesterday I finally understood why. There have been things keeping us from blessings, from doing what we are supposed to be doing.

Discouragement has tried to come in, but it was quickly casted out from our minds and hearts. Everything we have recently gone through has strengthen us, and is helping us with things like this. I feel stronger today. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be, in every aspect.

I Am Not The Same

In my time with my Heavenly Father, I was reminded of how far He has brought me. I was able to look back on my life and see the big transformation. From the broken and timid little girl, to a strong and confident woman. I have become a warrior. A woman who isn’t backing down from anything.

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love & self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

I have been through a lot and have seen a lot to not back down from anything, now. God has proven is realness to me, time and time again. Trusting God while I jump into what He’s calling me to has been one of the biggest challenges, but the most rewarding things I have done. I have learned to trust Him in EVERYTHING. The most recent one has been my finances. We have been tested, my faith has been stretching… it’s been costing me to remain faithful. But I have been. I have been giving, when my flesh wants me to harbor it as long as I can. I have sown into people He’s placed in our hearts, when my mind screams, “YOU NEED THE MONEY!” I have jumped into God’s promises, believing that He will fulfill them.

God is true in what He says. Yesterday we received an unexpected blessing. It’s what we were needing and it was the exact amount that we had blessed someone with. It came when we least expected it. God is never late.

Jumping Into God’s Truth

“Jumping in with everything you have, only leads to even more.”-Stephanie

I have been afraid. I have tried to figure things out on my own. I have held on to what I thought I wouldn’t see again. That’s where faith is manifested and put to work in our lives.

Trusting God in everything, not only finances, but literally your entire life, opens doors you never thought could be opened. When we think there is no way, God makes a way for the things we need to come to us. Most of the time it’s from the people we least expected. It’s in a way we never imagined.

God is a creative God. Does what He wants, when He wants, and how He wants… all so that we can see how true and real He is. 

“When you think you can’t give a bit more, do it anyway. When everything in you wants to hold on to what you’re being asked to let go of, let it go. Because what we are being asked to let go of, God wants to replace with something so much greater. All you have to do is jump in and trust Him.”-Stephanie

So, if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.-Matthew 7:11

 

Believe That He Has More For You

 

This will always be one of my favorite pictures.

Like I say all the time: “God is good, always.” ❤

 

I Didn’t Know I Had That In Me

I have never pushed myself that way before. At the first sign of discomfort my first thought was always to quit. How many moments have I thrown away, the moments that could have been used to show me what I was capable of? Time after time, after every defeat, I felt I wasn’t good enough-or that I would never be able to reach those goals. My mind raced with so many thoughts, my heart filled with so many emotions… but not yesterday. Of this, I am proud. -…Heart Of Grace

Yesterday, a day of which I have never been more proud of myself. It started so slowly. I woke up late, I felt tired. Due to the early morning trip to the ER. I had no energy to do anything. All my body was telling me to do was sleep. I couldn’t. I remembered a responsibility I had. I made a promise to myself that I would stick with my daily workouts, which pushed me to get moving. Everything within me did not want to, but my mind kept telling me, “you will be feel so much better after.” It was right. I started off with laps around my backyard. I walk in my backyard, because I don’t like being seen when I work out. I think that’s why I have avoided gyms. (I have no idea why I am like that.) I walked for an hour. During my walk my foot began to hurt. I heard a voice telling me to stop, that it was a good reason to just “rest.” I simply kept going, eventually the pain went away.

“Opposition will always come your way, when you’re about to reach a breaking point in your life that will be a blessing to you, but greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world.”…Heart Of Grace

Then it came time to fulfill my duty. It was Cardio day. It happens to be my favorite, but not so much when I’m trying to get the momentum going. A part of me wanted to skip it, after all I already had walked for an hour. “Nope,” my mind told me. So I pushed through and started my workout. I jogged around in my garage, I rode on my stationary bike, I did that for what I thought was thirty minutes. With my heart racing and sweat running down the side of my face, all I could think about was, “I have finished.”

I looked at my Fitbit, and realized I had reached my daily step goal of eight-thousand steps, ninety minutes of movement, and so on. As I went to sync my Fitbit I realized something amazing. I surpassed my thirty minute Cardio workout by two minutes. It might not be a big deal to some, but to me it was! I was ecstatic. I still had plenty of day light left, and so much more to do. By the end of the day I had reach, yet another goal. I had finally reached; ten-thousand steps- equivalent to four miles.

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I honestly, didn’t know I had that in me. This is my all-time best.  I didn’t know I was capable of such victory when it came to fitness. Never have I been the one who loved working out. Shoot, in school I hated P.E. Yup, I was that over-weight girl. Yesterday, proved to me that I am no longer that girl. I am now a grown woman who desires to have a healthier life-style and desires to be in better shape…not for anybody else, but for me. I realized yesterday that I can go beyond that what I think I can. That I am stronger than what I feel, that I don’t have to bow down to the first sign of discomfort. At the end of the day, I ended at just a little over eleven-thousand steps.

God says I am an overcomer and that the victory is already mine. I believe him, yesterday it was proven.