On To The Water

I woke up this morning; thinking of this, thinking of that. I sat it all aside to find You here. Before I opened my eyes You were here; preparing our time together. So many things to do, but only one is worth it to me. Meeting You in our place, so much joy it brings my anxious heart. You see everything within me; I cast my cares on You. Everything that attempts to drown me. You’re the only One I desire. I cried out to You this morning and I gave You ever desire and all things I yearn for. I know that in Your hands they are safe. I know You review all things and put in order what is of You and remove what’s not. My heart I open to You. Lead me and Your will be done. You are mine and I am Yours. It’s because of you that I do not sink when storms come my way. 


Like A Waterlily

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They float above the water. They do not sink. God created them to float and manifest their beauty. So are we when we learn to trust God and step out of the boat. We will not sink, but we will radiate the beauty that so entangles us. His beauty within us will shine forth for all to see. We will not sink. We will not drown when the storms come our way. -Stephanie


Learning To Live Righteously

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you the desires of your heart.-Matthew 6:33

It’s been almost two months since my husband went to be with God. Everyday since it all happened I have been struggling to walk, “humbly” with my God. I have been anxious about which path to take. I have been worried about what others would think of me about my decisions I am feeling Papa leading me to make and so on.

Living righteously? There have been times where I felt like I wasn’t. After reading about Abraham and how God led him and how he just believed, showed me that there is where I currently find myself.

The word says that Abraham just believed God and God counted him as righteous.

It shows me that being righteous in God’s eyes has nothing to do with what you do or don’t do, it’s about surrendering and choosing to believe God even when you do not see. It’s saying, “Lord I trust you even though I don’t understand. It’s pushing past what you feel to believe God and His ways.” 

That is me… 


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Trusting God

Seek first; Seek God first in everything you do. Seek out His will, choose to believe Him and everything that you desire; according to His will, will be given.

I was speaking to a friend two days ago about how I had to learn to fight. I was thrown into the front line and I had to defend myself against the attacks of the enemy. When I say defend myself, I mean I had to trust God completely for help to get through the death of my husband and even while he was in the hospital, dying.

I was attacked with anxiety, panic, depression and so many other things. In the midst of the hardest moments of my husband dying in the hospital, I had no choice but to learn how to fight back against the enemy.

I had no choice, because I wasn’t going to allow depression or anxiety take over my life. It’s been a spiritual fight ever since. I know it had to happen that way or else I would have never learned how to fight, the way I have learned to. I wouldn’t be experiencing this kind of growth if none of this happened. 

Everyday it’s about trusting God even when I can’t see and even when I don’t understand what He is doing out of all this.

It’s hard, but the outcome of trusting Him has been such a beautiful blessing in my life. I am not the same woman. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am more courageous than ever. I am learning to step out of the boat and onto the water, knowing that I will not sink. His love surrounds me and embraces me. I will never fall. 


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My Friday Night

Last night was a blessing for both my spiritual life and life in general. I stepped out of my comfort zone and visited a church for Worship Night.

Friday nights have been my “girls night.” I started joining my friend and her group of women from her Life Group. It’s been so refreshing to be surrounded by new people and hearing their stories. It’s been such a blessing for me and it’s been helping me get through all that I have been facing.

It’s allowed me to open up and share my experiences and what I have been going through.

Back to Worship Night; I wasn’t going to go because guilt had been forming in my mind. I was worrying about well, what would “they say or think about me coming here and worshipping with a different church…?” I was slowly backing down from the thought of going and enjoying God’s presence.

But towards the end of the day, I just felt to go. I am so glad I did. It wasn’t a coincidence that the songs they sang were ones that God used to comfort me during my husbands passing. It wasn’t a coincidence that God prepared something for me there.

I walked out blessed and feeling so much peace. A peace that I haven’t felt in such a long time. He spoke words of love into my heart all over again and He reminded me that I am not alone.

There was a time towards the end of the night that we all participated in communion. Before taking of the bread and juice, I received a beautiful vision of Jesus…

It was one I haven’t had before. It was a revelation that I needed in this time of my life. It was powerful and a tremendous blessing for my life and what I am being led to do.

I saw Jesus standing before me taking on Him the beatings; the criticism and all the judgement so I wouldn’t have to. It spoke to me in such a profound way and encouraged me not to worry about those things anymore, because He endured it all FOR ME. 

It was God’s way of saying; “Do not worry about what they will say about you. Do not worry about the criticism you will go through. Do not worry about the stones people may throw at you with their words…”

“Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.”

-Proverbs 29:25

He was showing me that He is my defender. He is my protector. He is my SHIELD. 

I just left that place so blessed. So refreshed and so at peace. I left there with courage. I traded my fear for courage and that’s what I received.

 

I will step out of the boat and on to the water. I will not sink, because He is with me.

Like A Waterlily

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Learning To Walk

I just want to hold you. I ran to you like the little girl I am, in your eyes. I threw myself in your arms and tightly I held you. That’s all I want to do; expressing my gratitude for all You have done for me. I am thankful. Though my heart still hurts, You give me strength to wake up each morning and get through the day. Papa I am stepping out of my comfort zone; I can hear how proud You are of me. My story coming forth; a beautiful masterpiece it’s becoming.

I am a giggly child excited about what is coming. I jump up and down clapping my hands at the thought of Your goodness in my life. There is no love like Yours; there is no love like Yours. I adore you, I love you. ❤

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Learning To Walk

In my time with Papa, I felt this urge to just hug him. I saw myself like a little girl running to my Father and just wrapping my arms around Him. I am thankful and I am beyond blessed by what He has been doing in my life these past few weeks; since my husband’s death.

I see Him moving around me, I see Him moving in my life… in every thing regarding me. I see how He is using my life to inspire others and at certain times I think to myself… how can it make such an impact on others? When I think something is small, God magnifies it for others to see; to see Him through my life and circumstance.

Lately I have been stepping out of my comfort zone like never before. I am learning to walk on my own with God. I am learning to open myself up to new and exciting things that He is leading me to and the people He is now placing in my life. It’s a season where I cannot stay quiet about what has been going on in my life.

Sometimes I take a small step back to acknowledge everything that is happening in my life and I am in awe. I just think; “Lord, it’s all you!” It really is because I have no idea how I am able to walk with so much peace, strength, courage and confidence, especially since it’s been only a month that my husband went HOME.

I give God all the glory. ❤

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It’s A New Day

I found myself reflecting on my life and how I have been given a unique opportunity. A new beginning in my walk with God. I was telling my pastora (pastor’s wife) that I have been given a new opportunity to serve Him.

I have said this before, but the way it sounds is not how I mean it. Now that I have become a widow, I feel free. Free to do what I am supposed to do. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just something that I can’t really explain.

I am free to move. I am free to go where God is leading me. I am free to serve.

That’s the unique thing about it, especially since I never thought I would be a widow at my age.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and said “yes,” to God. I said, “take my broken and put me together the way You see fit.” I said, “here I am, Your will be done.” He took me at my word and has begun His perfect work in my life. 

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When I Cannot See

In this season of my life, I am like Abram, before he was named Abraham. I find myself tuning my ear into God’s frequency and saying, “yes.” I am slowly stepping out of all that has been so familiar and comfortable for me, into the unknown that He is leading me into.

It’s has been such a struggle. My faith has been tested, but even then I surrendered my life. I have known that God doesn’t need much from us to do something big. He says if we only have faith as small as a mustard seed He can do amazing things.

He has taken my mustard seed and has begun a good work. The biggest struggle has been not knowing where, how or why. 

Abram was told to leave his native land, his family; basically everything that hindered him. That’s where I find myself. What I learned is, those places of “comfort,” are not just physical places or things… it can also be emotional things.

For example: I always hid behind isolation. For a long time that was my comfort place; a distorted way of thinking from the enemy. I thought that pushing others or myself way was a safe place. It was a comfort for me so that I wouldn’t confront those difficult things.

In this season God is challenging so many other women to confront such things that they think are comfortable. He is wanting to lead them into the unknown, but where it will be a blessing for them. He is wanting to expand their faith and do great and mighty things in their life, but only if they have that faith to trust Him even when they can’t see the outcome yet. 

God will never ask us to leave something that is so familiar to us only to abandon us in the wilderness. On the contrary, He is leading us into something prosperous, something wonderful and that is going to be a huge blessing to us and those around us.

In this season, God is taking all that I thought was insignificant and turning it into something beautiful that He is starting to manifest to others around me. He has been taking me through this unknown and revealing to me so many wonderful things.

Through the death of my husband, God has been calling me out and telling me to get up and walk. Well, walk where? I don’t know. I still don’t know what is going to come out of all that has happened to me. I don’t have all the answers and I definitely do not know where I will end up. I trust Him.

Like Abram, I am being tested. God’s promises cannot come to pass in my life until I fully trust and obey God. Abram would eventually become the “Father of many nations,” but first God has to test him and Abram had to have that faith to obey and go into the unknown.

The Lord said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you.” -Genesis 12:1

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The Unknown

I was sharing with a group of women how I used to be. I was opening up about how I used to need to know every single detail before I jumped into it. I needed to know who was going to be there, how to get from here to there and so on.

I needed to plan out everything before doing it. I hid behind my husband. He was my shield in those moments I felt so uncomfortable. But now I felt like I have been pushed to the front line, where I cannot hide behind anything anymore.

I have been fully exposed, but for a reason. I had been such a timid person for so long that God had no choice but to remove that shield in order for me to not have the opportunity to hide. In the midst of this exposure I have had to learn how to trust God. I have also learned how to fight on my own, with Him.

I have had to confront a lot of things that I always just pushed to the side. I am a stronger woman now, I am learning how to stand in the gaps for others and be that fighter God called me to be. I am not a timid woman anymore. I am not an easy target for my enemy anymore.

What God allows to happen is for a reason. It’s never to harm us, but to help us grow.

To this day, I still don’t know why things have happened, but what I do see is that I am growing from it and being used to reach women around me. I am fighting for those who are still trapped and chained by what life has thrown at them.-Stephanie

I am standing in the gap for them and I am not backing down or giving up.

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Talking To My Husband

A part of the healing process of my current grieving has been, “talking to my husband,” as if he was here. I know that he isn’t and I don’t do it in a way that isn’t biblical. I am fully aware that he is gone and his spirit isn’t lingering around. I know where he is.

But the thing that has been so hard for me was bot being able to text him or tell him about my day, especially now that I have been working. Last night I was asked to speak at the women’s life group. It was such a blessing for me and a step into what God is leading me to do.

On the drive home I was feeling that urge to talk to him and tell him how it went, so I did. I spoke as if I was directly talking to him and all of a sudden, I felt that he was telling me, “I am proud of you.” In my mind I heard his voice and tears began to form in my eyes.

I know it is God. God is proud of me. I know my husband would be so proud of me and all that I am doing and especially about the woman I am transforming into. There’s still apart of me that hurts and wishes I was more like this when he was still here. Sometimes I am hard on myself and think why did I have to wait until this happen for me to open up to God?

The answer is, some of us are so stubborn and hard headed that we need to go through something like this for God to finally get ahold of us. Even them, some people just rebel. I didn’t want to. I didn’t give myself a choice. I chose to surrender and trust God with my life.

In all honesty, that has helped me in my time of grieving. That’s why others are able to see me go through life with strength, courage, peace and so much more, that it leaves them in awe.

I have heard so many times, “I don’t think I would be as strong as you if I went through something like that…” My response is, what you’re facing might not be as big as what I am going through, but at the moment it’s big in your life… and if you’re able to remain strong in that, then you will be able to stand when something harder comes at you. Everything is just a moment of strengthening for something greater.

In God’s eyes, it’s a big deal. He cares for you and your circumstances. 

So am learning how to walk this road of faith; of trust. I am walking into the unknown and I am no longer afraid of it because I know the One who goes before me. The verses below have been such a blessing for my life in this season. I have been learning how good He is how He is the good Shepherd. He leads us on the right path. He protects us from harm and cares for us.

Applying it to my life, I am the lamb, He is my life’s shepherd. He has been leading me into new and exciting things, BECAUSE I HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO. I am not fighting Him anymore because I have fully understood that He is for me and not against me. 

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“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.
“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me just as the Father knows me and I know the Father and I lay down my life for the sheep -John 10:11-15

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An Open Road-I Still Believe

I look at myself, not in the physical; in the spiritual. I see myself standing before an open road. I look to the left, I look to the right; even straight ahead. I am filled with confusion, I don’t know which path to take. I cry out to You, You’re the only one who can help me. Alone to decide, I am and I am not sure what to do. You see my heart and know every desire; lead me in the way I am to go so I will not wander in the direction of my own wants. I am anxious, I just want to move. I am scared, too, at the thought of doing it alone. Every tear I have cried, not in vain they are. Lead me, I want to go where You are.

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Not Like Lot

Yesterday, being Monday, marked the finale of a three day conference at our mother church. It was a powerful service which ended in God moving and reigniting the passion in our hearts for what He has for us; for serving Him.

I stood there in the back crying out to God. Ever since all this happened with my husband, I have been more certain that I want to serve God. I want to be used to help women and young girls. It was so evident in my heart that I am meant to, but I am just not sure which path to take or where to start.

As I was standing there, I cried to God and this flowed from my heart without me even thinking about it: “I don’t want to be like Lot. I want to be like Abraham

I was surprised that I said that, let alone thought about it. But I knew it was God, because He knows EVERYTHING; even my thoughts. Lately I had been thinking of where my place is. I have been thinking if I should go, or if I should stay. The things that had me considering moving were things like: “They have it all together. Things are already established there… it will be easy to serve in where you want to serve. Or they are in need of servants/people to help out, surely they will accept you.” 

The things that were making me consider staying were like: “You have the opportunity to begin something new here and establish it… though there is nothing here, there can be.” 

Both had seemed appealing to me, but the last thing I have wanted was to move without God’s guidance and only because of what I don’t or do want to work for; if that makes sense. I want it to be all God and His timing, not me or mine.

The very fact that I cried out those words, that I didn’t want to be like Lot, and wanted to be like Abraham already gives me the answer I am needing; I just need the faith to walk it out… like Abraham did. 

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I Don’t Want The Greener Grass

Lot chose what was appealing to him, out of the selfishness and greed in his heart. He chose the beautiful, the very thing that he didn’t have to work for; everything was set and established. The very place he chose was a place that was filled with so much evil and things not of God; instead of being a blessing to him it actually brought evil upon him… he was influenced.

On the other hand, Abraham chose the overlooked. There was nothing there and it took him faith to be able to see the blessing of the plains. God spoke to him and promised him that he would be tremendously blessed because of his faith, his humility and obedience.

He wanted what God wanted for him even though he couldn’t see it yet and not what he was able to see. That’s where I find myself right now, in this very season of my life. 

Like Abraham, I believe and trust God even though I cannot see where He is leading me to or the blessings yet to come. I don’t even know what to expect, except that I know it’s going to be a blessing for my life.

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I Still Believe

I haven’t felt so connected to this song, like I do at this very moment. Though I have gone through so much and though it HURTS SO BAD, I can lift my arms and say to God, “I still believe.”  I would be lying if I said I didn’t have questions. I have a lot of questions and still I don’t seem to understand why my husband was taken. Pain and confusion still blur my vision of the bigger picture. I still cry for my husband, because I miss him so much. But through it all, I know God is still good and He is still faithful.

I know that He didn’t allow this to hurt me. I know that for a fact. Like Abraham, I can’t see the blessing, but I have faith that it’s coming they very way He promised it. 

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My heart’s song in this season. (Jeremy Camp lost his first wife years ago. That is where the song was birthed. I have also heard another testimony of Danny Gokey-Tell My Heart To Beat Again who also lost his first wife and how it affected his life. They show me how God restores and how He blesses even when they couldn’t see His plan.) It encourages me. I know this isn’t the end for me. ❤

 

“I Still Believe” by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems I don’t know where to start
But it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see You prepare
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know Your near

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There was a time when I was crying out to God and all I could tell him was help my heart to beat again. This song came to mind and after listening to it, it touched me in a way that allowed me to encounter God like never before. He reminds me:

He is near to the broken hearted. He’s near to those who call on His name. 

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Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

IMG_3546 WHAT YOU ARE FACING; THE LOSS THAT YOU HAVE ENDURED ISN’T WITHOUT PURPOSE. IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO HARM YOU. GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR IT, YOU ONLY NEED TO BELIEVE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE LOVED AND THERE IS A NEW BEGINNING COMING FORTH FOR YOUR LIFE. 

-Love,

Stephanie Ann ❤

 

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On days like today, I miss you. When emotions rise I turn around and realize you are no longer there. Tears fall from my eyes and I am reminded of the pain I still have within. A lot has changed. A lot has been taken. A lot, I am still adjusting to. I miss you. How I wish to express to you all that I am going through; the excitements, the joys, the ups, the downs. Lonely it can feel, but I know I am not.

I missed you yesterday, I miss you today and I will miss you tomorrow.

Story Behind The Poem

Today was an emotional day, if I am being completely honest. I was feeling really alone, down about mistakes I have been making (on my first two days in my new job) and I had been missing my husband.

Yesterday, I had such a good time at my new job, that on my lunch break, as soon as I got into my car, my first thought was; “I am going to text babe and tell him how my day is going.” I immediately remembered how I can no longer do that. It made me so sad.

For the past eight years, he had been the one I would go to, telling him about the kind of day I had. On days like today, I was reminded of what he would be telling me. I was sitting in my car at lunch and tears just began to fall down my face. God reminded me of what He would place in my husband’s heart to tell me.

Things like:

“You are an amazing woman. You’re smart and you will figure things out. I know things will get better. You can do this. I am so proud of you!”  

I couldn’t help but cry. I needed to let what I was feeling out. I went back from lunch feeling so better and stronger. I needed that encouragement from God at that moment.

A Lot To Get Used To

There is still a lot that I am learning to do on my own. There are a lot of things I am now doing on my own, and sometimes it scares me, but God has shown me that I have been more than capable to handle everything I am now going through.

I have been blessed with a job that I am really enjoying. He put everything into place for me. His promises for me are manifesting, without me having to do anything, but absolutely trust Him and continue to seek Him. I am truly grateful for all He is doing and has been doing for me and around me.

I am now learning to run to God, the way I used to run to my husband. I am learning to express to Him how my day has been, what I am feeling and allowing Him to speak words of encouragement into me, the way my husband would. He is my everything and I need to begin really opening myself up to Him. After all, He is ALWAYS here with me.

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I Am Growing

As a seed is planted and the plant begins to break ground spring forth, so am I at the moment. God’s promises of who I am meant to be are beginning to spring forth, breaking ground; breaking through old ways, habits, old characteristics, etc.

Because it has to do with the flesh, it hurts. God is springing forth new things; courage, strength, boldness, confidence, new identity, new capabilities… a brand new me. It’s the season of growth.

Embracing Widowhood

I have been learning to embrace widowhood and allow God to use me in this area. I have been learning how to cope with grief and what’s been happening. I have been clinging to God like never before, and I have been seeing Him in my life, like never before. I have been encountering God in a brand new way, in ways that proves He is so real. (I have already known that.) It’s been a revelation in a whole new way.

After my husbands death, God manifested Himself. He become more real than ever.

Love Notes

What I have been truly missing are the little love notes my husband used to randomly place around the house. It was so special to me when I would find a note that had been sitting in that spot for days until I finally found it. Things like that meant so much to me. It was such a loving gesture from my husband to remind me of how much he loved me and how he felt about me.

Lately, God has been doing the same thing, but in a different way. He has been randomly sending me “Love Notes,” when I need them most. He has been using people to send me scriptures, cards and notes. He has been reminding me of how much He loves me, how He is always here with me and for me. He has also reminded me that things will get better and how He is watching over me.

This was the recent “love note,” He sent me through someone.

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;
the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the God of all the earth.

– Isaiah 54:4-5

Like I didn’t have to work for my husband’s love and affection, I don’t have to work for God’s perfect love and affection. It has taken me a really long time to accept that, but recently it’s been a lot easier. I guess it’s because my heart first had to be broken and made new, in order to receive all that He is doing in my life right now.

Whatever He is doing in my life, I have accepted it. I have learned to back down and just surrender. With all this, I lost my fight; fighting for my own ways, fighting for what I think is right for my life. Only God knows what I need and the best ways for me to go. I’ve surrendered.

 

Self-Love

self-love
noun: self-love
regard for one’s own well-being and happiness

 

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Self-love is important to overcoming grief.

Be patient with yourself.

Love yourself. -Stephanie

 

I wrote that today.

It was a reminder that it’s going to take some time. It’s going to take me being patient with myself and knowing that it’s ok for me to feel what I feel, when I feel it in order to fully heal. It’s knowing that I don’t have to stay in what I feel and that I have a way out of it. My way out is, God.  

It’s a reminder that I need to love myself how I am, the brokenness and all. Because that’s how He loves me.  It’s a reminder that I am human and I don’t have it all together.

God never expects any of us to have it all together, that’s why there is a need for Him. 

COME TO ME AS YOU ARE. -GOD

 

No Other Choice

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I have always liked this quote, but now it has a more profound meaning to my life. Life has thrown me out of my comfort zone with NO choice, but to fight through the storms of: anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, fear, isolation and so much more.

When I say fight, I don’t mean on my own. I mean, not allowing myself to stay stuck in those places. I mean dealing with them without my husband around anymore. Without him comforting me like he used to. I had to learn to do it alone, with God.

Going backwards and falling into those traps was NOT an option for me, so strong is what I had to be an honestly, how I am handling things… I am manifesting a strength I never knew I had. I am doing things I never though I could or would ever do.

That takes special strength; that comes from God. Only God.

 

Song of The Season

Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship

 

 

Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.

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On the Rock I stand. For God has placed me there and there is where I want to stay. A wise decision it is; the storm has hit, but I have not fallen. The storm raged, yet I’ve stood my ground. He upheld me with His righteous right hand, still I stand.

As days pass, the pain begins to fade and transform into joy. This hit was hard, I stumbled. Yet I did not fall. Like a child learning how to walk, so am I; learning to live this life alone, with Him.

Fear, a close companion in this storm, but deep inside is breaking free.

On the Rock I stand. For God has placed me there and there is where I want to stay. A wise decision it is; the storm has hit, but I have not fallen. The storm raged, yet I’ve stood my ground. He upheld me with His righteous right hand, still I stand.

Not The World’s Strength

It’s been a week and a day since my husband’s passing. Each day is getting better, but I have my days. I have been grieving in my own way. Keeping myself and my mind busy has been helping me a lot. Many people told me that I would experience “this” and “that”, but I told God I didn’t want to go through them. I am not going to experience depression. I am not going to deal with anymore anxiety attacks. I’m just not, because I am determining myself to trust God and cast all my cares. God is FAITHFUL.

Yesterday was a rough day. All week I have been up and down with no time to sit and just “grieve”, and after yesterday I think it’s a good thing. I stayed in bed until after 3pm. I woke up really missing my husband, I felt down and I didn’t feel like doing a thing. I had allowed those emotions get the best of me.

I had no appetite, but I made sure I had something to eat. I just felt weak…

God is good and I can’t say that enough. During this storm that began almost two months ago, He has been teaching me about what real strength is. He has sent so many people to tell me how strong I am or have been, on days where I feel the complete opposite, leaving me to think; how??? 

When we think of strength we think of someone who has it all together and isn’t fazed by what they face or that one person who is physically strong, but in God’s eyes it’s not it.

To be strong, is to be strong in the Lord. What I mean is, someone who clings to God without letting go in the middle of the storm. It’s someone who truly trusts Him even when all you feel is confusion, fear, doubt and so many other things. It’s knowing that you can rise up from the stumble, because you know God isn’t letting you fall. 

That’s where I am right now. I was hit hard. I was blindsided,  but not once has God let me fall. I stumbled, but I did not fall. I clung to God’s outstretched hand and allowed Him to lift me up. I am not backing down and I am not giving up. I trust Him. 

The last thing I want to do is let go of God.

Each Day is Getting Better and I Am Getting Stronger.

This has been my confession, especially when I haven’t felt it. Yesterday, again, was one of those days. The enemy had been telling me, “you’re going to have an anxiety attack at night. You’re husband isn’t here anymore. Why isn’t he here?” In all honesty it was getting to me and I felt such a heaviness on me, until I made a decision to change my thoughts and put the enemy in his place. 

I found myself saying, “each day is getting better and I am getting stronger.” It helped and I began to feel that oppression fall away. After everything I have been through in my life, I am seeing how each and everything has added up to prepare me for this season.

I am stronger. I am wiser. I clearly know who I am and how I am no longer an easy target for the enemy. I have gained more discernment that helps with distinguishing God’s voice from the lies. 

“I am the good shepherd, I know my own sheep, and they know me…”-John 10:14

He is the good shepherd. I am the sheep. I know my father’s voice. 

Proverbs 31:25

I have prayed this over my life. I am drawing courage from this verse. When my husband went to be with God, I immediately felt scared. I thought to myself, what do I do now? I am alone. 

Looking back, I can see how dependent I was on my husband. We did everything together. I hid behind him when I felt scared or when I felt uncomfortable around other people. I just simply hid… 

God has broken me free from that. 

In the past week, I have been pushed out of my comfort zone. I have learned to be around others, alone. I have learned to solely depend on God, alone. The day before yesterday, I was surrounded by a group of women I did not know and I felt so much peace and comfort; something I never experienced before. It was liberating. It was true freedom.

I have come to the point of being myself and no longer caring about what others think of me. It’s something that God has done down deep within my heart. I am now walking with my head held high because I am God’s daughter and He is with me. I am not alone.

I am learning:

 To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.-Micah 6:8

My entire walk with God, I never once felt that comfortable being alone. Each day I am getting to the point of true confidence where I feel I can do anything because He is with me. Each day I am growing into that courageous woman He needs me to be, because I am coming into who I truly am.

I don’t need anything but Him to feel whole, secure and confident. It’s an unexplainable feeling, one I never felt before. I know who I am without my husband, now. 

“You are the light of the world–like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.”-Matthew 5:14-15

Now that my husband is Home (Heaven) I can no longer hide myself; my defense mechanism, my comfort zone…is gone. I made a choice: I now need to be bold. I now need to be courageous. I now need to be that Warrior; the Daughter of God. 

Front Line

I am now on the front line, a place I have desired for so many years. There are so many other women and young girls who need to know they are loved and cherished by a real God. Even before my husband’s passing, my heart was always for women and young girls; even more so now.

Like I said, I am not backing down or giving up just because of what has happened, on the contrary, I am putting on my armor and preparing to fight this good fight, the way my husband did his whole life.

I want God to use me. I want the things God has for me. Every hardship I have experienced in my life, I always said: “I am not backing down and I am not giving up.” I thank God for keeping me at my word.

 

Do not call to mind the former things; pay no attention to things of old. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.-Isaiah 43:18-19

 

 

Though you are gone, it still feels like you’re here with me. I can still feel your love for me. I loved you then, I still love you now. You’re my best friend. God’s love through you for me changed my life, I am no longer the same. You loved me at my worst and more so at my best. The woman I am now becoming, your prayers are coming true. I know you would be proud of me. You’ve looked out for me from the beginning, it still feels like you are, now. I love you now and forever. 

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April 16, 2016

 

 

Peace In The Storm

A quiet night, alone I am; no one else around. I am emotional, I cannot deny. I want to cry, yet I want to stay strong. I have said time and time again, when you cry you are strong, but why do I try to avoid it? When I cry, I feel. When I cry, it hurts. When I cry I am reminded of what is happening around me; in me. I am comforted, yes. When the tears roll down my face, I feel relief and the pressures go. It seems like I am no stranger to tears and tears to me; oh how well acquainted we’ve been this past month. No one knows, only He. No one knows the reason for these tears, but He does. That is enough.

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Wife You’re Not Alone

It’s been a little over a month since everything happened. Days of brokenness, days of joy, days of chaos and days of peace; I have experienced them all. ✨This week has been the most rough of them all. I haven’t been able to eat right because my stomach had been in “knots” and anxiety was trying to make its home in my life and the thought of loneliness was becoming invasive. 

Because God is a mighty God I have been experiencing peace in the midst of all this. I have been experiencing God in such a way, that makes me feel WHOLE. Every void in my heart and my life, He has been filling it with more of Him. 🌸 I have learned to be real with Him. I have learned to express myself and just be simply honest with God about what I am feeling and what I “hate.” Yes, I finally broke down and told him the thing I hate. ✨ It wasn’t until I confessed that thing hidden that I began to feel free. All the chaos in my this past week led me to this confession: “I HATE BEING ALONE.” 

Then I heard this question; “Then why do you always insist on always having your alone time and isolating yourself?” ✨ I didn’t realize how pushed away from everybody I had been. I didn’t realize how isolated I have become, that being around people without my husband, hurt and all I wanted to do was hide. ✨THAT IS NOT FREEDOM, at all. (I would always tell my husband I wanted alone time. Now that I have it, I don’t want it. I just want him home already.)

“Though I still struggle with a bit of anxiety, I am experiencing PEACE. I am learning that I can have peace in this storm. I am learning that I can enjoy being out and about while in this storm. I am learning to enjoy everyone around me while in this storm. ✨THAT IS FREEDOM.”-Stephanie

Though my husband is still in the hospital, I don’t have to keep myself isolated and locked away until “things are better.” On the contrary, I need to surround myself with people who are there for me; praying for me and helping me get through this. ✨God is showing me who I really am and definitely making me courageous. All I can do is thank Him. 🌸

Just Write

I know it’s been weeks since my last post, and honestly it doesn’t seem that long. It doesn’t seem like it’s been over a month since this all began. That tells me God’s hand is on everything. Everything is going to be ok. 

I felt the need to write, writing has always been the very thing that has helped me through it all. I feel God wants me to do it more, now. Though my flesh feels it’s the last thing I want to be doing. I have hidden away for some time. I have been pushing away the very things that can help me through all this and waiting for that, “right time.” I have realized that there will never be the right time or the perfect time. Only the, “now.”

What I mean about that is, when God says. Most days it will be when you least feel like it or the hardest days. But I have learned over time that what I am going through and what I share, has always blessed someone else reading it. It’s a constant reminder to me that I am not alone in what I go through and that others are going to the same things, or something similar.

We are never alone.

Tears, Just Cry

I remember telling my sister in-law when this first happened, that I will continue to cry through all this until God doesn’t allow me to cry anymore. It was after her telling me to not worry about what others think. To this day, I still shed my tears. It’s hard. I can’t deny that. I can’t pretend that I am not a mess at times, in all of this. I can be a mess. I don’t have to have it all together. Why? Because I am still human and I know when I am weak, God is strong. When I feel like I can’t stand, God is standing for me and that’s where I draw my strength from. He is my strength through all of this.

The Hidden Place

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God sees all things, especially those moments when we are alone and tears just flow from our eyes. He hears what is so hidden in our heart. He hears what words cannot say. 

I once heard, “tears are silent prayers.”  It is true. Our tears manifest what we feel inside, good or bad. I have had a lot of sad tears flow from me expressing the very thing I was holding in; frustration, impatience, fear, pain, even gratitude.

Only He knows exactly what I feel, think and desire. There have been times where I hold back those tears when I am around others and as soon as my bedroom door shuts, they pour out. I drop myself on the floor next to my bed and just cry. I know I am not alone in that.

“It’s been in my hidden (alone) place with God that I have found strength. The very place where I have expressed to Him what I feel, the things I hate and what I desire. It’s been that very place where I’ve been drawing my strength from. Each day I need it. Each day I recognize that I cannot make it without him. I need Him.”

Speak Life

Speaking life is speaking words of blessing, comfort, hope, love and truth.

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When all that I hear is negative, I speak words of life. I speak the word of God over the circumstance and ignore the bad. This entire journey has been just that. Words have knocked me down, but God has lifted me up, but stronger. I have been learning to block out words of death and combat them with words of Life. I have been changing the way I speak and think, and it’s helped me see things the way He sees them.

I have had doctors tell me one thing, yet see God do the opposite. I have been hit with the worst news anybody can get, but I have seen God’s hand over my husband. I know it’s only going to get better. My husband is still alive. 

I am choosing to speak words of life, because I have seen God manifest miracles before. I was a witness to one, though I didn’t know Him and my heart was so far from Him.

I know He is the same God. I know He will do it again. 

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I will not give up. I will not surrender to the pressures of the storm. I know who I am and who’s I am. My Father is the Lord of all of Heaven’s army and I am not alone. He is my defender. He watches over me and my husband and is the one giving him new life. We have nothing or no one to fear. That is what brings my heart peace.  ❤

 

Do It Again- Elevation Worship

Freedom

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. A promise I hold close to my heart. You have said time and time again that nothing or no one can separate me from Your unfailing Love; no darkness, no highs, no lows, not even the mistakes I have made. Perfected in your Love, I am. I do not fear of what lies ahead. Though many things around me attempt to torment me, captivating my thoughts, You set me free because nothing outweighs the CROSS.

 

freedomWhere the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.-2 Corinthians 3:17

Painting by: Stephanie Ann Hernandez

Depression…

I am no stranger to depression. Throughout my life I have struggled with it and the torment; the lies and the loneliness it has brought me. But I have never experienced it like I have been, recently. It’s lasted a lot longer and my emotions have been all over the place and not to mention a sudden temptation to “cut.” Yesterday was the worse.

Thoughts so loud saying, “cutting will make you feel better.” It painted a really good picture of escaping my reality, like I had mentioned in my last Blog Post: Unveiled.

Yesterday, started out like any other day, but the difference was I was feeling tired with no energy to do anything. Things lately have been a little rough and have been so challenging for me, especially as a wife. My husbands health and things we are dealing with have had me feeling so overwhelmed. I shared a bit about it on Instagram: @wifeyourenotalone

I stayed in bed for awhile, feeling just blah. I was struggling to breath. The entire day I was in my own world, not really caring about things around me. I was so emotional, crying here and there; crying out to God for help. I just felt angry.

Throughout the day I felt so anxious, I felt so alone and I felt like I couldn’t breath. I felt like everything around me was just caving in on me, I was suffocating. I felt defenseless. Never have I experienced such pain caused by depression.

I realized how bad it was when my mother in law came to drop something off, hearing her say hi from the door, stung. I didn’t want to be around anybody. I didn’t want anybody to see me. I didn’t want to see anybody… I finally got it. I finally understood what depression really is and how much of a thief it is.

…Can’t Beat The Cross

IMG_4384Sitting at the kitchen table, last night and still feeling a bit blah and as though I couldn’t breathe, I started drawing and painting. I didn’t know what I would be drawing. First, I had drawn the flower (I just love to draw flowers) then I went into that heart, but it wasn’t my intention to draw a heart. I was inspired by a plant I have on the table. The leaves are shaped like a heart. I attempted to draw that… but I began drawing what I was feeling.

I felt my heart darkening and being surrounded by darkness. I just kept darkening the heart without realizing why. As I kept painting, I felt to place the cross in the center of the “chaos.” After doing so I literally heard these words, “Depression can’t beat the cross.” Then I felt led to add light bursting out, breaking free from that darkness. I connected the flower as it represented freedom.

I started crying. God had used my own painting to minister to me. It reminded me that the cross has power to defeat the lies that try to overtake me. The same is true for you. 

This isn’t the first time I draw out what I feel inside. He reminded me of that. A few minutes later, after that encounter with Him I realized that I was no longer feeling anxious or as though I couldn’t breath. I felt a sense of peace come over me.

This morning He reminded me of the verse: “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”-2 Corinthians 3:17 

The Spirit of the Lord resides in my heart… the very thing that the enemy tried to overtake. Greater is the power of the CROSS, than any scheme from the enemy.

My husband is such a wise man. Many times God has used him to speak words of encouragement into my heart and to confirm a lot of things. For example: he told me today, “I believe God allows us to go through things like this to bring us understanding of what others are going through.” I wasn’t seeing it like that.

Our marriage. His health. Me currently re-struggling with anxiety, depression and self-harm… someone needs to hear that they aren’t alone and that I, too, go through it. I believe that He will bring someone in my path who needs encouragement, someone who is facing the same things. Someone who needs to hear that there is a way out. That the cross has power to defeat the darkness! -Stephanie

Freedom Reigns

After my experience last night and my husband and I coming closer, I feel a lot stronger, today. I went to bed to my husbands embrace and I woke up to his embrace. God knew how much I needed that; needed to feel my husband’s love and support in all that I am going through.

Freedom is what I am feeling today because of the One who lives within me. It’s no coincidence that the topic, today is Freedom. Though we celebrate 4th of July, there is a deeper freedom God wants to impart to everyone. A freedom that truly lasts and that is ever life changing. FREEDOM REIGNS. He is FREEDOM. 

Prayer, My Heart’s Desire

I pray that this blog blesses all who come across it. That it will impart God’s true love upon them and they will be able to feel His embrace. I pray that freedom will come upon every heart and every mind that is currently being tormented by the lies of the enemy. I declare a divine intervention for those who are on the verge of taking their life or wanting to harm themselves.  I pray for protection and for guidance. I also pray that those who do not know God will come to experience and know who He is and open their hearts to Him. ❤ 

-Stephanie

 

 

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“Freedom reigns in this place.

Showers of mercy and grace.

Falling on every face, there is freedom.”

Freedom Reigns by Jesus Culture

When I Feel Off

Everything within me cries out for you. This I know, how? I feel off, out of order.

On days like this, it is you I want; the preferred parent that a child runs to for the nurture and comfort.

I run to you with arms up, crying inside… Papa!

I jump into your arms, ready you are to catch me and hold me close.

As I lay my head on your shoulder, I cry.

Holding me tightly, you tell me, “It’s ok. Everything will be ok…”

I believe you, papa. I believe you.

On Days Like This

It’s been days that I have been feeling a little, “out of order.” There are things that I am currently going through that no one knows about… things that have me feeling a little emotional.

My life is undergoing a transition from living the way I have wanted to, to following through with what I need to do. Things are being removed, people are being removed… but nonetheless things are being placed back in order in my life. I feel it.

Ever felt like you were “off” and not the real you? Yup, that’s how I have been feeling and the reason I am allowing God rearrange my life for the better.

A Season For Everything

“I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and for a certain amount of time. The things we pray for or ask for are given, but then comes a time when it  no longer has the same meaning in our life…I mean it’s no longer how it used to be or what we need.” -Stephanie

That’s where I am at. I am currently at that point where I want more, but more of what He wants for me. For I know that those things are continuously fulfilling and so much more rewarding than what I think I want or need.

When it comes to relationships and people that were in my life for a season and the next they aren’t meant to be there anymore… that’s where it gets hard for me. So many people have come into my life for various reasons, purposes. Some have taught me a lot, while others were just used to strengthen me.

There comes a time when you’re being moved to a higher level, or a new chapter in your life; when you have to decide whether you want to hold on to what is being asked of you to let go of and remain in the same place, or when you finally decide you’re ready to let go of the past and advance.

To be honest, a lot of people remain in the same place because they aren’t willing to let go of the comfort or what they are used to. I can’t be like that, no matter how much it hurts to let go of things or people.

“Where God is taking you, such things cannot follow.” 

Where I Am Going Is Not Where They Are Going

This part of my life is like when we are walking alongside someone, talking and chitchatting, but then are met by a crossroad, they both say bye and go their own ways. Where I am going is not where a lot of people are going. Meaning, my journey is far different than a lot of peoples. 

Their priorities are not my own. My calling is not their own. That’s ok. I am slowly learning to accept this and just look forward & let go. People will never truly understand the things you do…especially when it comes to being obedient to what God is calling you to do.

Am I being judged? Maybe. Am I being criticized? Maybe. Should I care? No. Should I worry about opinions? No. For the only one I am looking to please is, God. 

Being Bold, Being Courageous

Eeek, thinking about those two words can sometimes intimidate me. Me? Being those things… slowly.

The bad thing about it is, I am only those things when I feel backed into a corner, or when I am feeling a little down or hurt by something or someone. It’s like it comes from an inner anger that shoots up and moving me into the right direction. It becomes a confidence that no one can take away.

I know that I am a strong person, but sometimes I back down. I know that I am courageous, but sometimes I become afraid.

Ever feel like that? Especially when you’re being asked to manifest those things through a big decision? Yessss! I have, too. I laugh a little, because we tend to manifest those things when we shouldn’t, but when we should we become like, “I don’t know how to be courageous, strong or bold.” haha (I speak for myself, here.)

Why can’t I just manifest that attitude, always?! That’s something that will change, soon.

Encouragement

I may joke around a bit when it comes to what I go through, it is just a way that I cope. I am able to laugh at things like this because I know they won’t last forever. Laughter has been my remedy for healing.

But the best thing has been listening to podcasts by Steven Furtick

The word has been bringing me new life. It has been encouraging and confirming so many things in my life. It’s been reminding me that through all the chaos in my life or all the problems and so on, that He turns all that into something beautifully amazing. Everything I am going through is not in vain, but about to be turned into something better than I can imagine.

The same can and will happen for you. You just need to be obedient to what He is saying…putting Him first. ❤

 

“It’s ok. Everything will be ok.”

-God

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Strong Girl Vibes

Sometimes I catch myself in a certain place, a place that is familiar. There are times I have to remind myself of who I am; in doing so, I pull myself out of the pit I am walking into. It’s like my mind snaps out of the temporary trans. I am awakened again. I cry. I can’t believe how far I was wandering. Then I lean on Him. The one who comforts me and tells me, “you’re never too far gone.” I am dusted off, I am clothed in robes of purity, identity and cleanliness. I am made new.

Saturday Vibes

“Because I am human. I don’t always have it all together. I break down. I become an emotional wreck…then I choose to pick myself up and keep moving forward. I determine myself not to stay where the enemy tries to keep me. I am no longer a prisoner of my emotions, thoughts or the mistakes I make. I have been made free; sometimes it takes me a littler longer to remember that.”-Stephanie

Today is a day where I literally have not gotten out of bed. There is really no desire to do so, but duties call. I don’t feel like myself today. I feel very weak and drained. I haven’t felt like this in awhile.

In all honesty I am a bit emotional. The only thing keeping me, “put together,” is me reaching out to God for what I am needing today.

Strength. Love. Peace. Joy.

 

When There Is Pain, There Is Healing

I have learned time and time again that when I have these episodes, it’s because I am being healed of something, set free from something, or there is something there in my life that I haven’t fully acknowledged. That one thing is coming to the surface, to be exposed by Him, only to be removed and replaced with more of what I am needing from Him.

Yes it hurts, and all I want to do is hide under my blankets, but I can’t. There is true freedom in knowing the truth. Only then can it really set you free. There is freedom in knowing what the underlining problem is. For we cannot fix what we don’t acknowledge is out of order.

Last night I cried. I saw myself trying to be who I was set free from. I cried, because that’s not who I am. I cried out those words. I had to remind myself that the enemy can’t keep me there anymore. But it’s up to me to fight through; which I am.

“I lean on Him when I feel weak. I look to him when I feel like I can’t see where I am going. I run to Him I feel I can no longer walk on my own.”-Stephanie

 

Today’s Play List:

My constant reminders that His love for me, never changes and that I don’t have to be perfect in order to run to God. That he loves me in my brokenness as well as in my put together. 

 

Jordan Feliz- Never Too Far Gone

 

 

Hawk Nelson- Drops In The Ocean

 

We Are Messengers- Magnified

 

Micah Tyler-Never Been A Moment

The Struggles Of A Wife

Today, Sunday, I woke up feeling alone. Though my husband is near, I see him hurting and deep down I don’t know how to help him. Emotionally I am checked out, the only way to guard myself… to escape the what is. There are times I feel like the only wife going through such things, but I know that’s not true. I am not alone in this battle, I am not alone in this struggle. We are not alone.

I have learned that what we go through is not in vain, but to help others going through it, but I’ve yet to encounter them. There are times I feel like we go through this for no reason-that’s what makes it hard. Ashamed  & embarrassed I feel for opening up, scared of what others may think of me for having such thoughts or feelings…but they forget, I am human too.

To think the way I’ve been, is to think God isn’t faithful & I’ve experienced his faithfulness time and time again.

A marriage like this, I can say, I never imagined. Since the first day it’s been a struggle with my husband’s health. Trips to the hospital, sleepless nights and just watching him go through this & not being able to make it go away… helpless.

I’ve wanted out. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Emotions raged from both sides. I have felt pushed away because what he was feeling. I’ve felt second to his health and what he was going through. I felt disconnected from him. I wanted out.

I have kicked and screamed many times, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I have yelled out to God, reminding Him this wasn’t what I wanted. We are still going through this desert.

I have walked down a road, a temporary escape from my reality. I was being selfish. I was running away from my role, my responsibility. I was thinking I knew what was better for me, than God.

Yet, I am still here… He has given me the strength to overcome. He has given me the assurance that this will not last forever. He has given me the heart to love my husband past the circumstance, I have been renewed. For I know deep down this is where I belong. I know deep down my husband is God’s best for me. I just needed to believe that. For where we currently are, is not God’s final destination for us or our marriage. He has used all this to mold us, shape us and teach us so many things.

I still struggle, I am still tempted to do what I think is best for me, but that still small voice inside keeps me on track.

I am not alone. We are not alone.-…The Heart Of Grace

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.-2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)

 

Speaking as a Wife.

I’ve been silent about my feelings with what I am going through, with my struggles in my marriage, for a long time. This is actually the first time I speak out as a wife and directing my message to other wives/marriages. I am learning to step out of my comfort zone in all aspects. I feel bold. I feel brave. I feel courageous.

Ashamed and embarrassed I have felt, because I’ve believed no one would understand or no one else was going through similar things. I kept feeling alone. Feeling helpless.

Vulnerability

I open myself up now because I believe there are so many other couples facing similar things. Another wife watching her husband in pain or the husband watching his wife in pain… both feeling helpless or alone. Whether family in Faith or not, you’re not alone.

For a long time, I kept asking God for forgiveness, believing that what we are going through was a consequence of what we might have done. That He allowed all this pain and suffering on us because we did something wrong, or that we got married at the wrong time… I even asked my husband to ask for forgiveness if it was something that he did.

It has nothing to do with anything like that, what we are going through. What we are going through right now is making way for God to manifest who He is. He has already done so. I still have my husband with me, when the Dr. told him he wouldn’t live past Thanksgiving, that was a few years ago.

Being vulnerable has never been a comfortable thing for me. I have always been known to hide things so deep within me. That’s not the case this time. I want to be open. I want to share my story in hopes of helping others and letting them know they are not alone. To help the wife who is being tempted to walk away.

While I may be struggling, my husband is the one going through it.

Because of selfishness in my heart and the mentality of “what I want,” kept me blinded from seeing and understanding that my husband was the one going through it, physically. I failed to tend to his needs and help him the way a wife should have. I pushed him away because I didn’t know how to be there for him. I was not used to anything like this.

My husband has been diagnosed with: Congestive heart failure: which then led for him to receive a defibrillator implant, because his heart isn’t functioning properly. Diabetes. Kidney failure, retaining fluid in his body.

I would have walked away from him while he’s going through all of that.

The Role of a Wife.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”-Genesis 2:18

I am far from being that helper that is “just right,” but my heart is open and willing to learn. That’s what matters.-Stephanie

 

#1: Be a helper to your husband: in all circumstances.

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When my husband and I were getting married, I remember the vows we made to each other and none of them were, “I promise to be there for you, only when things are good and only in health.” No, I promised my husband, before God that I would be there for him through, sickness and health. Yes, I had to be reminded of those vows a few times to help me escape the selfishness in my heart. A wife is to be the helper, is to be there for her husband. To help him overcome what he is facing. I know he is there for me when I need him.

Wife, the man next to you, if God led you to them, he is God’s best for you, even though the circumstance is not. Know that it will not last forever. It’s only a season, a walk through the desert. Your promised land is soon to come. Don’t give up.-Stephanie 

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#2: Respect your husband: It’s the only way the two of you will rise above the storm. For you are no longer two separate people, but one flesh.

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.-Ephesians 5:33

I sadly admit that I have failed in this area in my role as a wife. Coming into my marriage I had the worldly mentality of what a husband should be and how things were to go. When I didn’t see in my husband what I wanted, the respect level dropped. I saw him as incapable, I saw him as, “weak.” I was rude and disrespectful. I constantly made known to him my disapproval. What I failed to see was how it was knocking him down, instead of building him up. Words have power, thoughts have power. I was beginning to see the affect of those words and thoughts in my husband. It seemed like life was being sucked out from him.

God got ahold of my heart and my mind. He set me free from the old ways and opened my eyes to see what I was doing. I began seeing my husband the way God does and began speaking words of life. I changed the way I approached him and have been there for him. I see my husband as strong, brave, courageous… why? Because he hasn’t let what he is going through keep him from serving God. I see his faithfulness and determination. Honestly, it’s been a testimony for my own life.

Changing the way you view the obstacle in front of you determines what kind of attitude you will have, even when things are still the same.-Stephanie

 

#3: Love your husband– in those moments when loving him seems to be most difficult.

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Coming from worldly relationships to my very first and only Godly relationship was the most difficult transition in my life. After many years of broken relationships and brokenness, I never knew how to really love. I never knew what true intimacy was, let alone give it. My husband and I have been together for almost seven years, but only married a little over a year. To this day I am still learning how to open up and show him my love. We have been learning new ways of intimacy, especially sexually. This is where I truly open up about sex.

My husband and I waited until we got married. We did everything right. So I thought that things were going to be great the moment we got married. Sexual intimacy with my husband has been a challenge, due to his health. This is where I really had a hard time and became angry with God. I always had in my heart, “Why have you allowed this when for 6 years we waited on you?!” That was the attitude of my heart which led me to lose love for my husband. I thought love was just sex. In the midst of all this, God taught me how to be affectionate. He taught me how to show my love for my husband in other ways. He taught me how to be intimate without sex. I am still learning, and have a ways to go, but I am no longer angry. I have accepted the reality, but I know things will get better. For it’s God’s will for husband and wife to experience full intimacy within a marriage.

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#4: Submit to the leadership of your husband

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Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.-Colossians 3:19

Changing the way I see my husband and our current circumstance has helped me submit to him. God removed the old mentality and replaced it with His. He’s opened my eyes and helped me understand the order in a marriage. The husband in the head, the one God speaks through and moves through. Something out of order cannot function properly, meaning a wife who is rebellious and is stuck in her own ways is out of order and hinders the blessings that are meant for the marriage. I learned this the hard way.

Being submissive to your husband doesn’t not mean the husband is the “boss,” and that they dominate over the wife. No, it means that you respect your husband’s guidance and judgment and leadership for your marriage.

I struggled so much in this, I felt I needed to take up the role because I felt my husband wasn’t doing what he was supposed. I felt hindered and stuck. Me trying to take up his role only left me stressed, worried, anxious and angry all the time. I was picking up a burden that wasn’t mine. I had to learn my place as wife and what my role was. The moment I backed off, is when I noticed my husband took his. There is more order in our marriage and because of that God has been moving in mighty ways.

Being a submissive wife doesn’t mean you lose your rights, or have no say, it’s knowing when to speak, knowing when to act, and knowing when to move. She is led in wisdom and her actions become a blessing and not a hindrance. -Stephanie

A perfect wife, there is no such thing. Where we fail, God strengthens us. Looking to him and seeking his guidance we become the wife He has called us to be, whatever that looks like differs from the roles of others. Love your husband the way God leads you. Submit to him however it is fitting to God. Help him any way you can and do it with a humble heart. For a woman who treats her husband with respect, is one who has a heart for God.

I shared this from my heart. I opened myself up to help others and to let them know they are not alone. God sees what you’re facing and has the solution. Run to him.

For the wife who is tempted to run away, thinking she could find comfort in another, you will not find what you’re seeking outside of God. Do not run away.

I speak from experience. I was close to walking away. I had fallen into a lie, but God kept me from walking into that pit. I chose to listen to God. Because of that I received a word from Him, one that I shared in my previous post: His Faithfulness

“I am pleased because you have chosen to hear my voice. I am pleased because you have decided to obey me. A glorious door is about to be opened, one that you didn’t imagine would be so close to opening.”-God

I believe that is the same for you. We are never given more than we can handle. The victory is just around the corner. Do not give up.

 

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