A Blessing of A Friendship

Image result for love and kindness quotes

 

Today I had a very specific revelation; it became clear to me the very purpose as to why we go through so many different things… to be a beacon of hope for others who are going through the same things. To manifest understanding, support and the unconditional love of The Father.

‘He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ‘

2 Corinthians 1:4

A few week’s ago I was reconnected with an old friend. During this time of getting to know them all over again, I have come to learn that we have gone through similar things; down to losing our mothers the same year, month and only three days apart. God works in such mysterious ways. 

I have learned that people do not cross our paths without reason. There are no coincidences. Things happen for a specific reason. 

Having this friendship and the love from my best friend Jennifer has helped me get my mind off  of my last relationship. I haven’t laughed so much, like I do now. This new friendship is one where I have been able to really be myself, again. The last person I was like this with, was my husband; someone who gets my humor and who has one just the same.

It amazes me how everything I have been through throughout my life has opened up my heart in such a way, now, that I never expected. Spending more time with Papa has really opened up my eyes and heart to see things how I never saw them before.

It’s a new maturity and love for the hurting and those around me who are struggling with the very same things I did. I have experienced the torment of anxiety. I have experienced the loneliness of depression. I have also experienced the sting of loss, on multiple occasions. So I get it. I know what it feels like. 

 I want my story to bring hope. I want my story to bring life. I want my story to manifest the goodness of the One who helped me through it all. I want it to be proof that if He could do it for me and in me, then He can do it in everyone. 

This new season of being “hidden,” being still has been a blessing. Like I said things are starting to come to life in a way I never experienced before. I love it.

It’s priceless. It’s special. I have learned to leave everything in God’s hands. 

 

Without understanding, we become impatient. Without understanding we push those who are hurting away, unless we ourselves have been in their shoes. -Stephanie

 

Be kind. Be patient. Be loving. You’d be amazed at the outcome.

 

Begin

Hello, loves!

I know I have been MIA for awhile. Life has just been happening and I have been, or still am in a season of just being… silent. It’s been so hard to just sit  back and allow what needs to be done. If you are like me and like to share every. single. thing, then you know how hard it’s been. I have really been trying to be intention with spending time alone with God and just being led by Him.

He has really been speaking into my life and ministering a bunch of healing into my heart. I have been dealing, still with my husband’s passing and having to confront so many different memories I realized I pushed away because of them being so hard to think about.

One thing for sure is, He has really been speaking to me about what it is to start AGAIN.

 

When life hits you hard and you find yourself trying to get back to “normal,” and you realize nothing will ever be the same again, begin again.
.
🌸For me that phrase is starting over, starting fresh. I have spent so much time trying to get back to my own “normal,” and struggled to realize that it is gone. Nothing is or will ever be the same and because of that, I am no longer the same. I am ok with that. 

🌸The heartbreak, the pain has made me realize that I am stronger. The wrong choices that led to abandonment and rejection have only made me wiser. 

Begin again, where you are. Sometimes it can be scary, but remember you are not alone. –Stephanie Ann

Silence

For me being “silent,” isn’t as easy as I thought.

Being silent has meant not posting things on social media just to show people what I was up to, making a point or trying to prove something to everyone. When I was told to cut back on doing that, I realized how much of it I was actually doing.

We live in a time when everything is posted online for others to see.

I felt it was meant in a different way for me. It was a way to keep myself from losing credibility about my walk with God and who I really am. 

Sometimes we can post something that causes us to lose sight of who we are or cause others to change the way they see us. It really does take just one post.

I posted on Facebook every single bad thing I was feeling, but then I would post stuff about how good God is… I knew something needed change.

Not only has this season of being silent helped me see where I have been wrong, it has also taught me to just listen. It’s helped me stay still long enough to hear from God and allow Him to bring to the surface areas of my life that I had just smashed down, never to be seen or thought of again.

It was time for them to rise to the surface because God wanted to set me free and heal that area of my life. 

Staring Death in The Face

A week ago my emotions were all over the place. I felt angry. I felt sad. I just felt emotional. I had no idea why. Things from my husband’s passing would pop into my head at random times and I would become teary eyed and just push them donw, again. I just didn’t want to confront them.

I was really missing him.

One night, as I was laying in bed, I kept tossing and turing. I just couldn’t sleep. Out of no where fashbacks from the hopsital where my husband passed away came to mind. All of a sudden I got a flashback of the day my husband died. I quickly sat up and began to cry. It was a cry that came from the pit of my stomach; a cry filled with so much pain. I told God, “no!”  I didn’t want to relive that moment.

All I heard was, “what do you see?” He was asking me to say out loud the memory that was tormenting me. I told him, “I see his dead body laying there, him so lifeless.”  It was the memory of when I walked into the room only to see him like that.

I couldn’t help but break down and let out many silent screams. Something was being broken and I was being set free. I felt so much peace when it was done and I heard these gentle words; “It was necessary for healing.” He then went on to remind me of how far I have come since my husband passed away.

God knew that I was still struggling with the breakup of this last relationship I was in. He told me, “If you were able to get through that (my husband’s passing) then can get through anything.” In other words, if I have been able get through the most difficult thing in my life, then there is nothing that I cannot overcome.

The same goes for you. If you have been through something so traumatic, so painful and have been able to get through, then there is nothing that you cannot overcome. He is your strength in times of trouble. 

‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.’

Psalms 46:1

 

Nothing Is Normal

Going back to the part above, talking about beginning again.

This whole time, after my husband’s passing I wasted time trying to get back to “normal” and wanting things to back to normal. I struggled to get into the flow of this new life before me ,because I was trying to hold on to the past; the good things.

In this season, I have been learning that it’s really ok to move on. It’s ok to starting living this new life I have been given. Day by day I am learning how to begin again and enjoy it. Whatever that may look like for you, whether you’re a widow, orphan, whatever circumstance you’re in, YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.

The hardest past about all of this; widowhood, miscarriage… is seeing it as a blessing and a fresh start. How??? By truly believing that God is a good God and that He has a plan for every single thing we go through, it’s also truly believing that it’s all been His will. 

That is what has gotten me through all of this. 

Every time I felt God to be unjust in all that He has allowed to happen in my life, this verse was always brought before me in so many different ways.

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘

Jeremiah 29:11

Close friends/family would send it to me because it was on their heart, or I would hear it somewhere or I would be shopping and see it on a notebook. It was God whispering it into my heart, to remind me that His plans for me were NOT to harm me, but to prosper me. It was His way of reminding me that if I had gotten everything I wanted or believed for, it wouldn’t have been such a blessing.

We ask for what we think we need, but in God not granting that request it is Him protecting us and saving us for something so much better.

Yes, my husband is gone, but I still believe God has someone greater for me.

Yes, my baby is now in heaven, but I believe that God will bless me and future husband with a beautiful family.

Everything has it’s timing.

You want to know the honest truth and the reason I have been able to move forward and no longer feel guilty?

God told me:  my husband was only meant to be in my life for a season. He was used to help me grow in the things of God, bring healing and restoration to my life. My husband’s purpose on earth had also been done and it was time to go home for a greater purpose.

When that revelation came into my heart, it set me free. It helped me understand that it is ok to keep living my life.

It’s ok to keep living yours as well. ❤

The love my husband and I had for each other, will never fade from my heart. He will always have his place in my life. Nothing or no one will be able to take that away. I know I will just learn how to put that aside, the day God brings the right one into my life.

In the mean time I am still learning how to “drive” this new life, this new me. I am happy with it just being me and Him. 

I am in a very good place, emotionally.

You Know

You Know
Written by Stephanie Ann
October 21, 2018

You know the plans you have for me; plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. I cried out to you. I heard you tell me You love me. I inclined my heart to You and showers of your love came over me. I know You love me; tears running down my face. Before I speak, You already know what aches my heart. As I draw closer, You are there drawing closer to me. You meet me here. Already knowing what I need, You swing Your arms wide open. I run into them. How I need you so much. I need You so much, for You know the plans You have for me; plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. I believe You. I really believe you. You reminded me of this, for You knew what I carried in my heart. Every tear You see, not one goes unnoticed. You have a plan for every tear. You save them for the proper time. To spring forth something great; watered with the tears I’ve shed. The pain; the hurt, the soil for Your promises in my life. For You know the plans You have for me; plans to prosper and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

From My Heart

Nothing makes me feel more at ease than to know that God is near me; the broken hearted. On days like today; where I can have a great day and all of a sudden feel as though the rug was pulled from under me.

I am hurting. 

Every single time I feel like I do right now, I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. It seems to be God’s anthem for my life and season I am in. It’s as though He is say, “Trust me, I have something planned for you. All this has a purpose. Be patient.” It never fails… I hear that promise over and over.

I have grown to learn that when God says something over and over, it’s for a reason. He repeats Himself until we finally get it.

Papa, I get it.

I know that in this very season of my life, God is having me wait. He isn’t letting me settle for what I think I need at the moment. He is teaching me to walk confidently in knowing that He has something better for me. I do believe Him.

He sees my heart and knows the very thing that has been causing tears to flow from my eyes; like right now. The thought that I will not be able to have again what I had with my husband still torments me.

God is a God who restores and returns back to us 100 fold what the enemy has stolen from us. We just need to be still and trust Him and His timing.

New Year

A part of me is happy about the new year, yet another part of me still wants to hold on. I am about to leave behind a year that I still had with my husband to begin a new one without him.

I don’t want to. (My heart screams!)

It’s as though I am standing before a grave not wanting to leave something that is no longer there; the life I knew. 

The life I knew is gone and before me is one that seems so foreign to me.

I am afraid; afraid of moving on in all aspects of my life.

 

 

CMS-986_large


The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.-Psalm 34:18

The First One

The holidays have arrived, I don’t think I was ready like I assumed I was. The week came and sadness grew. All I wanted was to have my love here again.  With sadness in my heart; depression tried to make it’s way in. The power of God within me, immediately the door shut. I grew strong, I was able to stand. Thankful I became, for God has always been…

The Week of Thanksgiving

Of course, the week didn’t start off well. Monday came and I didn’t want to get out of bed for work. There was something going on inside of me; a battle. I was becoming sad and depression tried to come in. I was becoming very unhappy about the holidays. All I wanted was my husband back.

The thought of my first one without him in seven years, it was hard. Immediately I was thinking of not doing anything. I just wanted to stay home. I wanted to revert and be alone. I wanted to just sulk and be miserable; without anybody seeing me…

On days when I miss my husband so much, I feel him. There are times I feel that he is going to walk through the door or that I am going to hear him tell me something I need to hear. I still feel him so close; and that’s what’s hard… knowing that he isn’t. 

Always Something To Be Thankful For

To be honest, at the beginning of the week it became kind of hard to see the what I was truly thankful for. My emotions were all over the place and the last thing I felt was thankful. I couldn’t see the good because I was starting to focus of the who was missing from my life, now.

God always has a way to open our eyes and cause us to see what we cannot see on our own. When we believe that there is no way, He makes a way; for whatever circumstance it may be. 

After a rough few days during the week; Thursday came… (post from my Instagram.)

46499276_195359554706054_1218311093198258176_n

“Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name. 

-Psalms 100: 4

In the most difficult seasons there is always something to be thankful for. 

“Today I am thankful. Though there is sadness in my heart; I can smile and say, ‘Thank You, God.’ I say thank you because for the last seven years I was blessed with having my love with me during the holidays. Today marks the first Thanksgiving without him. I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am thankful because though he isn’t here anymore, God and my family/friends are. I honestly wondered how I would feel today and in all honesty, I’m ok. There are certain things that I am going to stay away from because they just remind me so much of babe. Earlier this week I broke down and the thought of everybody else moving on while I’m still here grieving. I told myself that I was going to stay home and do nothing…I didn’t feel like celebrating at the time. I woke up feeling the same way, but I told God how much I needed Him and I asked for His help. He answered. I am thankful for everyone in my life and who has made the effort. Words cannot express the gratitude and how much it’s helped me in this season. There is just so much to be thankful for, especially when you can’t feel or see it. I am thankful that my husband is home and happy! I am thankful to have my dad here another year. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful.”

“There are no words that can express the longing in my heart to have you here with me. I miss you everyday and I often wish I could hold you again. I miss your voice and the soothing words you often spoke. My heart aches, but at the same time, it rejoices. I know you’re happy. Because of that I will be too. Oh, how I love you.-Stephanie

Avoiding The Familiar

Yesterday, it being Thanksgiving I broke away from something that was familiar. I went to my sisters house rather than my mother in-laws house like I had originally planned. Deep down I felt bad for not going over to visit.

Though I felt bad, a part of me honestly felt relief. I didn’t want to be reminded that my husband was no longer here. I didn’t want to talk about him like he isn’t here anymore; though he’s not. I was a coward, honestly. Little by little I have been avoiding familiar things because I don’t want to experience the way it will make me feel. I don’t like crying knowing I cannot bring him back. I don’t like feeling heartbroken and desperate to have him back again… so I’ve tried to avoid it.

It’s so easy to stay away from things that will make us feel uncomfortable, but we can only do that for so long, until God places us in a place where we have no choice but to face those things. I have been there many times. 

 

I Don’t Want To Be The Same

I enjoyed myself with my family. I let loose and had a drink, or two, or… I didn’t care. I was laughing, I was having fun; I was being someone that I no longer am. It felt good to be around my family and cracking jokes and making fun of the things they said and did. I had missed that.

I left feeling relaxed, but at the same time thinking about how I didn’t do that when my husband was around, so why now? I know there’s a void there that I am still trying to fill with things other than God. A void of loneliness; companionship. Lately I have been desiring another man in my life; so much so that I have been looking.  I have been wondering if that man would love me as much as my husband did or would he even accept me how my husband did.

It’s been such torment. 

I don’t want to be that woman who longs for men. I don’t want to be that woman who cannot be single. I don’t want to need relationships to make me feel complete.

I want God to be ENOUGH and all I need. My Confession: I am no longer afraid of being single.

 

For The Woman Who Struggles

Image result for verses that God fills me

I am not perfect. The mistake I make is continuing to see myself as a widow; through the eyes of paid and loss. The mistakes I make; the sins I commit open doors to lies that get me to doubt. Each day I need more and more of God and less of what my flesh desires. I need to start opening up my life to God so that I can be used.

If all I did was pretend that everything was ok and not share the ugly and the real; it would help no one. I cry. I often doubt that God is all I need; therefore having the desire for a man. I often doubt that I will have another man who loved me and accepted me like my husband did. I am scared that I won’t be able to open up they way I did with my husband… I see it now all this is because I haven’t allowed Him to fill me completely and I have not fully trusted him. 

 

For The Widow

In the midst of what I was feeling and going through, I couldn’t help but feel for other women going through the same thing. Understanding their pain, yet knowing that there is someone who could comfort them…I was led to share this:

46650508_195356981372978_1403143662161887232_n🌸For the woman who grieves; you’re not alone. In these days as sadness comes to you, know that there is hope beyond the pain. There is strength for the weakness and joy for the sadness.-Stephanie 

My prayer: Father, cover every woman who is struggling. Protect them from the lies that try to bring confusion and anger. May You, the God of all comfort, wrap them in Yours arms and fill them with a peace that surpasses all understanding. May their hearts be filled with joy in Your company and the company of loved ones. On days of celebration I pray that they are touched by Your love and reminded that they are valued and cherished by You. I pray that the days become easier and they grow stronger. I pray for blessings over them and that all things fall into place; just as it’s been done for me. I declare courage over every widow. I declare protection for their hearts and minds; that nothing will harm them.

You are protected by God and covered by the blood of Jesus. No weapon formed against you will prevail. I pray that you have the revelation of how special you are and that this is not the end, but only the beginning of something great. You are loved. In Jesus name, Amen. 🌸

”He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭147:3‬ ‭NLT
‬‬

Dear Spouses

Don’t take anything for granted. Wives, let your husband caress you and touch you. The day you no longer have that, is when you will be desiring to have it again. Same for the husbands.

Love each other and cherish each other. The days are not promised. Appreciate the time you spend together and never wish you had your own space. When that space is given, yet unwanted, you will be desiring to have them around again.

Never forget that you love each other. Never forget the promises you made to one another. Never forget the good things, but always strive to be better at creating even better things with each other.

Never be satisfied with taking, that you forget to out give one another. You are one. What hurts them should hurt you. What brings them joy should bring you joy.

Above all else, learn to love each other past the flaws, past the mistakes. Forgiveness is key. Above everything else, protect the friendship that first established your relationship. For when you protect that friendship, you protect your marriage.

Never take them for granted. -Stephanie

 

Summer

A peaceful noise; the chirping of the crickets, the night so calm. How I love these summer nights; the warmth, yet fresh. The slight gusts of wind through the windows is like a gentle kiss. Relaxing. Peaceful. It is.

Summer

I have been loving these past few days; the weather in the high 90s and low 100s. I am enjoying it, though I haven’t spent so much time outdoors lately. I miss those days when we were always outside. When we yearned to plan picnics at the park, followed by a game of softball… a family favorite. ❤ I really miss those days. I was literally thinking about that today.

Summer has never been my favorite season until this year. Last year, is when I changed my lifestyle and determined myself to get healthy. I was so out of shape, two years ago. The heat just added to my distress. I was the type of girl who complained about nothing looking right, or feeling “fat.” I was. I was at my heaviest and so miserable. So, of course I was self-conscience.

I am happy to say,…

It’s not like that for me this summer. Lately, I have been looking forward to going out and wearing cute summer dresses and cute outfits, to show off my new confidence. Why? I feel proud of my accomplishments. I am able to wear things I never wore before like: chokers (I haven’t worn one since I was in high school), spaghetti strap tops, off the shoulder blouses, shorts, etc.. I fit into smaller size clothes. That makes me happy. Why? Because I know I am not where I used to be. Sure, I am still not where I want to be, but that is ok. ❤

Oh, It’s Just Me

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, standing and outdoorTo be totally honest, this was the first full body photo I liked in a very long time. I always thought I didn’t look good. It’s amazing how my face reflects the confidence I have finally been able to feel. I didn’t have to starve myself. I didn’t have to start strict diets, like I used to. I have been loving my body. I have been strengthening it and nurturing it. It has taken me a really long time to “lose weight.” I see so many other women who drop weight so easily and it used to make me feel bad, but now it doesn’t.”-Stephanie

It wasn’t until I finally listened to my body and began giving it what it needed. I started doing workouts that were right for my body. I started making changes to my diet that were right for my body. I stopped following someone else’s lifestyle and began my own.

Since then, I have been happier, stronger and I have learned to enjoy the things I like. That is how  I began seeing so many changes. God is good. ❤

“Loving yourself is the best thing you can do for your body. When you learn to take care of it and nurture it, it will then begin doing what you need it to do.”-Stephanie

Image result for fearfully and wonderfully made-Psalm 139:14

Something Different

I spent all day thinking about my next blog post. (Ha ha) I am serious. I wanted something different. I wanted something other than what I have been writing about; though some things are still the same, I feel a lot happier. So I wanted to post about how I have been enjoying summer and stuff.

It feels good to do something different every once in awhile.

 

QUOTE

“Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how great you are, if you can’t see it yourself.”-Uknown

Image may contain: 1 person, closeupImage may contain: 1 person, closeupImage may contain: 1 person, closeup

This has been my favorite accessory these days. The wrap around choker. ❤ A few months ago I wouldn’t have thought about wearing it. It’s not the case anymore, and the feeling is amazing. 

Wife, You’re Still Not Alone

I have wandered away, failing to see what’s right in front of me. Things I have wanted, I began chasing after though it left me without you. I kept telling myself over and over, “this isn’t what I wanted,” and angry I began to be. My rebellious heart pushed me away and through eyes of anger I was seeing everything. I don’t know what Your plans are, but I have learned to surrender and let go. I am not You; I know that full well.

Where To Begin

Lately I have been at a stand still. I have felt my world at a halt and honestly it’s left me overwhelmed and frustrated. Thoughts tormented me, telling me that I am losing so much. The thought of my life standing still while everyone else continues moving didn’t sit well with me. I was angry and feeling as though it hasn’t been fair.

After so long of doing what I thought I needed to do, I ran into a wall. I had taken the roll of God in my own life. Meaning, I have tried doing what I thought was best for me. I tried in my own ways to get what I needed, whatever it meant.

I was wrong, I was out of line… I was rebellious. 

Wife, You’re Still Not Alone

Is what I continue to hear God telling me, in all that his happening. Recently, on top of the health issues my husband has… his knees have both swelled up leaving him not able to move.

I have cried out to Him asking, “when and why?!”

It’s been over two years since my journey with my husband began. Since the day we said “I do,” it has been a uphill battle with his health. And days have gone by, recently, that had left me so hopeless.

For the first time I began feeling hopeless. One thing after another kept happening. My heart grew angry and I began questioning God. It got to the point where I only kept seeing what I didn’t want.

I didn’t want a husband who was sick all the time. I didn’t want this kind of marriage. I wanted out.

(I am just being honest.)

I was becoming selfish. In my heart is where I told God, “I am taking over.” Things started to fall apart and my husbands body just kept hurting that’s when I broke.

I became angry. I became frustrated. I broke down.

The Storm

In this storm we are in, you remain in control. You attempt to teach me what it is to remain calm but everything within me is fighting, fighting You. These thoughts, these emotions rage within and rebellious I have been. Puffing myself up, all I have shown you is that I think I can do it better; that any other way is better than Yours. I am so wrong. Everything is just falling apart. I can’t take it anymore. 

I want to run away. I want to give up. I just want to leave it all and just go. “Anywhere is better than here,” my mind torments. Painting a false picture of how better off I would be without You.

In the middle of this storm, I am at a stand still, a wall I have run into. That wall is You. I am fighting You, but a losing battle it is. I can’t overtake you. I can’t win. How foolish I have been to think I had a chance. I am only hurting myself. “Why are you fighting me?!” You question me, then wrap me in Your arms; calming the rage I have carried for so long. 

I look up to see that there is no going around; there is no going over. I stand still. I can’t go backwards. I can only go forward. I am in the now. The exact place You are. I fall to my knees, weeping; my face in my hands. I surrender. I back down. 

“Stand still in this storm,” You tell me. “Stay calm in the middle of this storm…I am here. Stop fighting. Stop rebelling.” 

Inspired by a song called: "In The Eye of The Storm"

When I think of this storm, I can clearly see myself standing in the rain and all the chaos happening around me. The thunder. The lightening… but I just remain calm and still. Nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me because He is there.

I had began doubting Him. I didn’t believe His promise: “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” I have heard that verse so many times, but what did it really mean?

“Even when we do not feel Him near, He is there. We push Him away, but still He remains until we give Him his place in our life.”-Stephanie

Where Are You, God?

I dared to ask Him. He answered me… He was blunt. I dared asking Him after being rebellious, after pushing Him away from me and the circumstance. I dared to ask Him even after I kept Him out of my marriage. I dared to ask. 

He is a loving Father, though I was rebellious in my ways, His answer was gentle, but strong.

“I have been here the whole time. I haven’t turned my back on you, the way you have imagined. I have not left your side or left you to fight alone. It has been your choices and your own understanding that has pushed me out of the way. 

You have attempted to take control and do things in your own way, because you thought deep down inside, you could make those changes. That the circumstances would change by your own fleshly force and manipulation; anger, selfishness, isolate.

You have taken your will to take thing in your own hands. I simply stepped aside until you finally realized that you couldn’t, until you reached that wall you couldn’t break through. Me. 

So, I never leave you. I never abandoned you, but I do step aside when you decide to take up MY roll in your life.”-God  

After hearing those words so clearly, in my heart, I started crying. I knew exactly what He meant and exactly what I did wrong. It wasn’t in a punishing way. God doesn’t punish(the harsh ways the world punishes), He simply disciplines, because He loves us.

Hebrews 12:6 

After recognizing my ways and finally surrendering to God, a veil was torn. I felt strengthened and I felt at peace. Hope has been restored. He lifted me up and dusted me off, reminding me of how good He has always been.

Wife, You’re Not Alone

cropped-bespoke-for-kate_soft-pink-bridal-headpiece-with-silk-flowers-and-pearls-2-1.jpg

I have so much to share. I have so many things that God wants to share with other wives, especially the ones who are going through similar things. I have felt alone, but it’s a lie. I have felt like no one would understand what I am facing in my marriage, but it’s a lie.

I want to be used by Him to restore hope. I want my messages to radiate God’s faithfulness in the midst of the storm. I want to bring freedom to the wives that think there isn’t another way out of what they are facing with their husbands health.

I am my brother’s keeper. What I do for my husband, I do for God. How I treat my husband, I treat God. 

We are our brothers keeper.

We are our brothers helper in the difficult times. 

Related image

 

Social Media

Wife, You’re Not Alone” is my ministry. It was birthed after my husbands heart surgery back in November of 2017. I knew then that I wanted to share my journey and I know I will be doing just that.

I will be posting on my Instagram page- @wifeyourenotalone 

 

A Girl and Her Journal

My passion for writing started from a place of desperation. It was during the time in my teen life where I felt so lost and alone. With so much to say, I didn’t know how to express it. Depression crept in, cutting began. I was only a teen, a girl who felt unloved. Blade to my wrist, the only pain I could control. I sought help, to a counselor I was taken to, but nothing seem to help. Every Monday, science class I would miss. It was in that moment, my love for writing began. What I couldn’t express with my counselor, I was able to share in my journal. I have always said, I say it again, the paper always knew me better than any person could.

Being Transparent

It’s time. Time to share my story. Depression comes like a thief in the night. The signs are there, but few recognize. It was so with me. I have always dealt with depression, like many have and continue to.

There are many things that can cause it, but it’s mostly formed in the mind. That’s where it begins. The thoughts of being unloved, unworthy, unaccepted, no good and so on were what sparked it in my life, not to mention the way things were at home. Less than perfect, I am sure I am not the only one.

With all honesty and transparency, I have felt this way a couple days ago. Things in my life and being so disconnected has left me feeling so helpless and desperate; feeling like nothing is going to get better. It’s suffocating. It’s made me feel anxious…

Crying Out To God

because he says… “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28

Yes, with tears down my cheeks and ready to throw in the towel… I have cried out. I have thrown myself at His feet, questioning His reasons as to why things are the way they are. But all I can hear Him say is, “So I can be glorified.” It may seem unfair for Him to say that, but I know exactly what He means. All I can do is say, “Ok.” I cannot fight His plans.

In my walk with God, there have been many obstacles. There have been many times I have felt tempted to lash out, but because I knew I was loved it shielded me from any kind of lies trying to get me to fall back into that self harming life.

He has taken upon him all my worries. He has taken upon Him all my pain because He cares for me…all so that I may find rest and strength in Him.-Stephanie

Freedom Comes By Humbling Yourself

is what I have learned.

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.-1 Peter 5:7-10

“We can read these verses and then wonder why things are allowed in our life, the things that hurt us and leave us wondering what’s going on, but we are only seeing it through our own eyes, our eyes of pain and desperation. We forget to see things through His eyes. After all, He is the one who sees things from the beginning all the way to the end.”-Stephanie

Only God knows why we go through what we do, and the reasons for it.

Maybe it’s to bring you closer to Him. To set you free from the things that keeps you in bondage. To strengthen you because there is something greater He is wanting to give you. There are many reasons as to why…

To be honest, I still struggle with fully trusting Him and what is being done in my life. I am human and far from perfect. We all are.

Let me tell you this: You’re not alone in your suffering. You’re not the only one who is going through it. I have been there, I know what it’s like. But there is someone who has seen every single tear, every single cut; all your pain and wants nothing more than to set you free.

Let Go Of Pride

To receive the freedom you need, starts by first acknowledging you need help. It’s humbling yourself to admit it. Pride takes many forms, and the most popular one is the,

“I am ok.”

If that were the case, you wouldn’t be isolated, feeling the way you feel and so on. 

This kind of pride, “denial,” comes from a place of insecurity; it keeps people at a distance because we are afraid to let others in and see the “mess” we are in. I learned this from a friend, we are not a mess when were are going through something.

We are human created to lean on and need God. We definitely have feelings and emotions. While it’s ok to feel what we feel, we shouldn’t stay there. Remember this:

There is freedom in humility. There is freedom in surrender. There is freedom, together. 

 

This Is Me

33786439_395031691017072_2363133655284449280_o

“I have always been one to build up a wall and push people out. It has always been my so called “safe place,” until the day God opened my eyes and revealed to me the damage I was doing and the danger of it. All I was doing was enclosing myself alone, with all the torment and struggles and at the same time I was keeping people out; the very people who could help me overcome depression & isolation. I was so worried about them seeing me as not capable or inadequate. It was pride. It was insecurity.  I didn’t want to admit and confess my struggles. With opening up, I have learned there are many caring people who are there for me. I have learned to trust God and others with my pain and hurt, instead of trying to do it alone. In doing so, I have gained the strength to get back up and keep going. In doing so I have not had to fight alone. In doing so I have been the best version of me… and in doing so, my life is not like how it used to be and those temptations are gone.”-Stephanie

My name is Stephanie and I am no longer a slave to depression or self harm .

I am free. 

 

My Heart’s Song

When I Feel Off

Everything within me cries out for you. This I know, how? I feel off, out of order.

On days like this, it is you I want; the preferred parent that a child runs to for the nurture and comfort.

I run to you with arms up, crying inside… Papa!

I jump into your arms, ready you are to catch me and hold me close.

As I lay my head on your shoulder, I cry.

Holding me tightly, you tell me, “It’s ok. Everything will be ok…”

I believe you, papa. I believe you.

On Days Like This

It’s been days that I have been feeling a little, “out of order.” There are things that I am currently going through that no one knows about… things that have me feeling a little emotional.

My life is undergoing a transition from living the way I have wanted to, to following through with what I need to do. Things are being removed, people are being removed… but nonetheless things are being placed back in order in my life. I feel it.

Ever felt like you were “off” and not the real you? Yup, that’s how I have been feeling and the reason I am allowing God rearrange my life for the better.

A Season For Everything

“I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and for a certain amount of time. The things we pray for or ask for are given, but then comes a time when it  no longer has the same meaning in our life…I mean it’s no longer how it used to be or what we need.” -Stephanie

That’s where I am at. I am currently at that point where I want more, but more of what He wants for me. For I know that those things are continuously fulfilling and so much more rewarding than what I think I want or need.

When it comes to relationships and people that were in my life for a season and the next they aren’t meant to be there anymore… that’s where it gets hard for me. So many people have come into my life for various reasons, purposes. Some have taught me a lot, while others were just used to strengthen me.

There comes a time when you’re being moved to a higher level, or a new chapter in your life; when you have to decide whether you want to hold on to what is being asked of you to let go of and remain in the same place, or when you finally decide you’re ready to let go of the past and advance.

To be honest, a lot of people remain in the same place because they aren’t willing to let go of the comfort or what they are used to. I can’t be like that, no matter how much it hurts to let go of things or people.

“Where God is taking you, such things cannot follow.” 

Where I Am Going Is Not Where They Are Going

This part of my life is like when we are walking alongside someone, talking and chitchatting, but then are met by a crossroad, they both say bye and go their own ways. Where I am going is not where a lot of people are going. Meaning, my journey is far different than a lot of peoples. 

Their priorities are not my own. My calling is not their own. That’s ok. I am slowly learning to accept this and just look forward & let go. People will never truly understand the things you do…especially when it comes to being obedient to what God is calling you to do.

Am I being judged? Maybe. Am I being criticized? Maybe. Should I care? No. Should I worry about opinions? No. For the only one I am looking to please is, God. 

Being Bold, Being Courageous

Eeek, thinking about those two words can sometimes intimidate me. Me? Being those things… slowly.

The bad thing about it is, I am only those things when I feel backed into a corner, or when I am feeling a little down or hurt by something or someone. It’s like it comes from an inner anger that shoots up and moving me into the right direction. It becomes a confidence that no one can take away.

I know that I am a strong person, but sometimes I back down. I know that I am courageous, but sometimes I become afraid.

Ever feel like that? Especially when you’re being asked to manifest those things through a big decision? Yessss! I have, too. I laugh a little, because we tend to manifest those things when we shouldn’t, but when we should we become like, “I don’t know how to be courageous, strong or bold.” haha (I speak for myself, here.)

Why can’t I just manifest that attitude, always?! That’s something that will change, soon.

Encouragement

I may joke around a bit when it comes to what I go through, it is just a way that I cope. I am able to laugh at things like this because I know they won’t last forever. Laughter has been my remedy for healing.

But the best thing has been listening to podcasts by Steven Furtick

The word has been bringing me new life. It has been encouraging and confirming so many things in my life. It’s been reminding me that through all the chaos in my life or all the problems and so on, that He turns all that into something beautifully amazing. Everything I am going through is not in vain, but about to be turned into something better than I can imagine.

The same can and will happen for you. You just need to be obedient to what He is saying…putting Him first. ❤

 

“It’s ok. Everything will be ok.”

-God

Image result for isaiah 61:3

Staring Insecurity In The Face

Days passed, days lost. I was surrounded by a fog, it slowly began to blind me. Blinding me from seeing Your truth, I was becoming vulnerable. Vulnerable to the things that once hurt me, those things that had caused me to wander so far away from you and how You see me. Approval from others, I was beginning to think I needed. I was putting myself in a place where I didn’t belong. I was trying to be someone I am not; as if who You made me to be, isn’t enough. I dragged my head so low as to think that who You created, wasn’t good enough for the world to see. So, imitation was becoming my limitation. I have gone through so much for such things still be an issue, but still deep down there are things hidden; things that still need Your freeing light. I am grateful for that still small voice. For clearly you speak into my heart and remind me of who I am, in You. -Heart of Grace

It All Starts With A Seed

I was laying in bed, (after all it is 1:08 am) of course I couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning, things were just running through my mind. The baseball game tomorrow, that exciting live I did with a friend on Facebook, etc.

But deep down, I knew there was something wrong, something I needed to acknowledge. I knew exactly what it was, because as soon as I recognized it, tears flowed down my cheeks. It’s an insecurity that has remained hidden, until recently.

The insecurity of not being liked, or not being that one person everybody wants to be friends with.

It’s always been about trying to be “popular.” It makes me wonder how many young girls now a days still struggle with things like this. What they have had to do just to “fit” in.

The Cause

I have always been the one to take offenses so personally to the point where I would start doubting myself and always wonder what was wrong with me. Why don’t they like me? Why don’t they want to be friends with me? What did I do so wrong?

I have always tried to be likeable because the moment I did something that someone didn’t like, was the moment I was pushed to the side and no longer, “liked,” or talked about.-Stephanie

Not knowing then, that there was a greater plan for my life. I wasn’t meant to fit in, but stand out. It literally took years for me to finally understand that… at times it’s still hard, especially when I see certain things.

The truest friend is the one who remains your friend when everyone else is trying to make you look bad, to them. They will also be the one to accept you for you, regardless of your flaws, that everyone else seems to highlight. 

God is always that friend. 

The Past Is just That, The Past

There will be moments in life when you find yourself in similar situations; situations that will make you think, “this is just like last time.” Or “it’s going to happen again!”

‘That hurt teenager, screams those words, now. That teenager who put everything in their friendships only to be easily pushed to the side is feeling that all over again. That hurt teenager… 

…is me.”-Stephanie

 

My Hearts Cry

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.-Psalm 139:23

The light of God illuminates deep within our hearts and exposes those things that we never knew were there, those things that we have tried so hard to hide and those things we never wanted to “relive” again… but it’s all for a beautiful purpose.

For me it was one of those things that I didn’t realize I still had. There are so many layers when it comes to forgiveness.

The truest way to know you’ve forgiven someone, is by what flows from your heart the moment you’re in a similar situation, with the same person. 

God has been restoring so many of my relationships, because I have first allowed Him to change me. There are specific people in my life that I thought I had completely forgiven, until recently.

Flashbacks have come of things that were done in the past; trying to get me to believe that it’s going to happen all over again. I have felt afraid. I have felt insecurity. I have felt like that teenager who just wants to go run and hide in a cave.

The verse in Psalm 139 is one of my favorites. It’s my hearts cry, constantly. At times I am a little hesitant to ask Him, because I know I don’t always like the process. It’s been because of that, that I have changed. It’s been because of that, that I have been healed from so many other things and insecurities.

“What I have found time and time again is, when God is about to do something great in my life, or about to use me in a big way, something tries to intimidate me and cause me to run, hide and shrink back like a scared little girl.”-Stephanie

“The actions or behaviors of others is never a reflection of you, but reflection of who they still are.”-Stephanie

Everything You’ve Gone Through Is Used For You

In the heat of the moment, it’s so hard to see. It’s so hard to understand. It’s so hard to believe that, “What the enemy means to harm you, God will use it for good.” Being completely honest, I have asked God, “when???” I have asked Him, “Why?!” I have even asked Him, “Why do I have to go through this?”

I didn’t always like the answer, but I knew He was always right. Everything that I have gone through in my entire life, has made me the person I am today. The strong willed woman. The courageous woman. The angry woman. The wiser woman.

I am being taught to use those things for Him. Being strong willed enough to not settle for less than His best, less than His truths. Being the courageous woman, to go out and do what I am supposed to do, regardless. Being that angry woman that fights back against the enemy and against the attacks that come to my mind; those things that try to get me to shrink back. Being that wiser woman, knowing and discerning what’s going on around me so I will no longer fall into the trap that is set before me. 

It was during worship on Wednesday that those questions flowed from my heart, into His ears. His response was simple. “You’re more mature than that to be affected by this, again.”

It only takes a small answer from God to break us free from a big lie.  

Because of being in similar situations in the past, dealing with insecurity and unforgiveness and so on, I have been strengthened and given wisdom to overcome the next “encounters.” Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

Nothing you go through is in vain. Nothing you suffered is in vain…if it’s been given to God, to be used as a tool against the enemy. 

Attacks will always come. Instead of seeing them as such, I now see them as tests; testing my maturity, testing my strength, testing my trust and faith in Him, testing me to see if I am ready for the next level He is wanting to take me to.

 

I am no longer that hurt teenager. I am now a warrior and daughter of God.-Stephanie