No Longer Looking Back

“Just go, and no longer look back;” is all I can hear in my soul. There is a feeling within I never had before. A desire to go… where? I do not know. I just want to go, with You. There is a freedom I feel, one I cannot contain. Lead me; I will go. I cannot just stay when there is so much to explore. I have no one holding me back, anymore. I just want to, go.

Time To Move

I have always felt like I was not meant to stay in one single place. I always felt like God would lead me to travel/explore. I feel that desire so much more, now. I am single. I am no longer married. I am no longer tied down. God has allowed it to be this way. I still yet to fully understand why and I still have my moments of doubt.

Last night was one of those moments. I finally started to clear out the closet and remove some of my husband’s things. I feel like it’s time to change things up around here. I need a change. The familiar is only hurting me. It’s time to let go of the past, though it still hurts!

Touching his clothes was the hardest thing. I wasn’t able to get rid of everything. I just can’t yet. I stood at the closet holding his clothes and I let out something that I was holding in for so long. It was this anger, hurt and deep sadness that I had finally let out. I cried and at the same time I asked, “Why aren’t you here with me?! Why?! Why did you have to leave me?!” I was demanding an answer. I needed to know why he was no longer with me anymore.

I stood there for a moment just crying and allowing God to take away what I was feeling at that moment. I opened my heart to Him and allowed Him that part of my heart.

It was the beginning to a new and deep kind of healing for me. 

A post on my facebook blog page:

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“I cried out “why?!” This time I was asking him.
After letting it out, I am feeling better. I feel peace. I know it’s time and I know this is necessary. 🌸
🌸Everyday is getting better and I am getting stronger.”

This journey of widowhood and singleness has been a lonely and painful one, but I am starting to trust that He is always here with me as I begin this journey of healing and restoration.

Today

I left service feeling so unsatisfied, not because the word wasn’t good or anything like that, it was because of my desire. For some reason I cannot see myself, “just there.” Maybe it’s the culture, the atmosphere, but for someone reason I don’t fit in. There is something within me I cannot explain, nor am I going to try to. I just know what I feel and what I am meant to do. 

I continue to ask God what it means and all I can hear is, “just go.” But where?! That is still unknown to me. I know when it’s time He will make all things clear. The last thing I want to do is be rebellious, again. 

On the way home from service I had this conversation with my dad. I told him how I felt and all he said was, “just be led by God and know you do not have to explain anything to anyone.” He is right.

Singleness

      …is a gift.

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It’s a gift that not very many people are able to see it as. I was one of them, but now I am beginning to get to the point where I am wanting to explore so many things, alone with God. My ultimate companion. Especially after what I have gone through recently.  This last relationship I was in and how it ended, only left me not wanting to be in another relationship until the right one comes along; in God’s timing.

This new season I am in, I get excited at the thought of just going without the need to worry about who will agree or not agree or the need to share it all on social media; to be able to disconnect from everything and simply enjoy where I am going and where I end up. 

That is what I need. 

This season of singleness is allowing me to see so many things that I wasn’t able to before. I have the freedom to get up and go whenever God says to. That alone is a blessing. I never saw that before until I went to see my best friend. I felt led to take a road trip to see her and her family. I hadn’t seen them in years. It was a getaway that I needed. 

God used her to show me something. She made me see how much of a blessing it was to be able to take road trips and just get up and go whenever I wanted. She said that she wished she was able to do the same, but can’t because she has a family.

She has what I have always desired; children. Yet, for some reason God has not allowed that in my life at the moment. As much as it hurts and there are times I become bitter at the site of others having what I so desire, I am finally understanding that it’s not His time yet. I am finally accepting it.

I want to fall in love with God on my own. I mean, I want to encounter Him like never before and be able to travel with the utmost assurance that He is there with me and that I am not alone.

I want to truly experience what it’s like to be single. I don’t want to depend on a man to make me feel whole or wait for someone in order to do what I am supposed to do or to get up and go somewhere. I want to experience that kind of freedom. I want that kind of independence, while fully depending on Him. 

It’s my time. 

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On To The Water

I woke up this morning; thinking of this, thinking of that. I sat it all aside to find You here. Before I opened my eyes You were here; preparing our time together. So many things to do, but only one is worth it to me. Meeting You in our place, so much joy it brings my anxious heart. You see everything within me; I cast my cares on You. Everything that attempts to drown me. You’re the only One I desire. I cried out to You this morning and I gave You ever desire and all things I yearn for. I know that in Your hands they are safe. I know You review all things and put in order what is of You and remove what’s not. My heart I open to You. Lead me and Your will be done. You are mine and I am Yours. It’s because of you that I do not sink when storms come my way. 


Like A Waterlily

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They float above the water. They do not sink. God created them to float and manifest their beauty. So are we when we learn to trust God and step out of the boat. We will not sink, but we will radiate the beauty that so entangles us. His beauty within us will shine forth for all to see. We will not sink. We will not drown when the storms come our way. -Stephanie


Learning To Live Righteously

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you the desires of your heart.-Matthew 6:33

It’s been almost two months since my husband went to be with God. Everyday since it all happened I have been struggling to walk, “humbly” with my God. I have been anxious about which path to take. I have been worried about what others would think of me about my decisions I am feeling Papa leading me to make and so on.

Living righteously? There have been times where I felt like I wasn’t. After reading about Abraham and how God led him and how he just believed, showed me that there is where I currently find myself.

The word says that Abraham just believed God and God counted him as righteous.

It shows me that being righteous in God’s eyes has nothing to do with what you do or don’t do, it’s about surrendering and choosing to believe God even when you do not see. It’s saying, “Lord I trust you even though I don’t understand. It’s pushing past what you feel to believe God and His ways.” 

That is me… 


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Trusting God

Seek first; Seek God first in everything you do. Seek out His will, choose to believe Him and everything that you desire; according to His will, will be given.

I was speaking to a friend two days ago about how I had to learn to fight. I was thrown into the front line and I had to defend myself against the attacks of the enemy. When I say defend myself, I mean I had to trust God completely for help to get through the death of my husband and even while he was in the hospital, dying.

I was attacked with anxiety, panic, depression and so many other things. In the midst of the hardest moments of my husband dying in the hospital, I had no choice but to learn how to fight back against the enemy.

I had no choice, because I wasn’t going to allow depression or anxiety take over my life. It’s been a spiritual fight ever since. I know it had to happen that way or else I would have never learned how to fight, the way I have learned to. I wouldn’t be experiencing this kind of growth if none of this happened. 

Everyday it’s about trusting God even when I can’t see and even when I don’t understand what He is doing out of all this.

It’s hard, but the outcome of trusting Him has been such a beautiful blessing in my life. I am not the same woman. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am more courageous than ever. I am learning to step out of the boat and onto the water, knowing that I will not sink. His love surrounds me and embraces me. I will never fall. 


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My Friday Night

Last night was a blessing for both my spiritual life and life in general. I stepped out of my comfort zone and visited a church for Worship Night.

Friday nights have been my “girls night.” I started joining my friend and her group of women from her Life Group. It’s been so refreshing to be surrounded by new people and hearing their stories. It’s been such a blessing for me and it’s been helping me get through all that I have been facing.

It’s allowed me to open up and share my experiences and what I have been going through.

Back to Worship Night; I wasn’t going to go because guilt had been forming in my mind. I was worrying about well, what would “they say or think about me coming here and worshipping with a different church…?” I was slowly backing down from the thought of going and enjoying God’s presence.

But towards the end of the day, I just felt to go. I am so glad I did. It wasn’t a coincidence that the songs they sang were ones that God used to comfort me during my husbands passing. It wasn’t a coincidence that God prepared something for me there.

I walked out blessed and feeling so much peace. A peace that I haven’t felt in such a long time. He spoke words of love into my heart all over again and He reminded me that I am not alone.

There was a time towards the end of the night that we all participated in communion. Before taking of the bread and juice, I received a beautiful vision of Jesus…

It was one I haven’t had before. It was a revelation that I needed in this time of my life. It was powerful and a tremendous blessing for my life and what I am being led to do.

I saw Jesus standing before me taking on Him the beatings; the criticism and all the judgement so I wouldn’t have to. It spoke to me in such a profound way and encouraged me not to worry about those things anymore, because He endured it all FOR ME. 

It was God’s way of saying; “Do not worry about what they will say about you. Do not worry about the criticism you will go through. Do not worry about the stones people may throw at you with their words…”

“Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.”

-Proverbs 29:25

He was showing me that He is my defender. He is my protector. He is my SHIELD. 

I just left that place so blessed. So refreshed and so at peace. I left there with courage. I traded my fear for courage and that’s what I received.

 

I will step out of the boat and on to the water. I will not sink, because He is with me.

Like A Waterlily

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Peace In The Storm

A quiet night, alone I am; no one else around. I am emotional, I cannot deny. I want to cry, yet I want to stay strong. I have said time and time again, when you cry you are strong, but why do I try to avoid it? When I cry, I feel. When I cry, it hurts. When I cry I am reminded of what is happening around me; in me. I am comforted, yes. When the tears roll down my face, I feel relief and the pressures go. It seems like I am no stranger to tears and tears to me; oh how well acquainted we’ve been this past month. No one knows, only He. No one knows the reason for these tears, but He does. That is enough.

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Wife You’re Not Alone

It’s been a little over a month since everything happened. Days of brokenness, days of joy, days of chaos and days of peace; I have experienced them all. ✨This week has been the most rough of them all. I haven’t been able to eat right because my stomach had been in “knots” and anxiety was trying to make its home in my life and the thought of loneliness was becoming invasive. 

Because God is a mighty God I have been experiencing peace in the midst of all this. I have been experiencing God in such a way, that makes me feel WHOLE. Every void in my heart and my life, He has been filling it with more of Him. 🌸 I have learned to be real with Him. I have learned to express myself and just be simply honest with God about what I am feeling and what I “hate.” Yes, I finally broke down and told him the thing I hate. ✨ It wasn’t until I confessed that thing hidden that I began to feel free. All the chaos in my this past week led me to this confession: “I HATE BEING ALONE.” 

Then I heard this question; “Then why do you always insist on always having your alone time and isolating yourself?” ✨ I didn’t realize how pushed away from everybody I had been. I didn’t realize how isolated I have become, that being around people without my husband, hurt and all I wanted to do was hide. ✨THAT IS NOT FREEDOM, at all. (I would always tell my husband I wanted alone time. Now that I have it, I don’t want it. I just want him home already.)

“Though I still struggle with a bit of anxiety, I am experiencing PEACE. I am learning that I can have peace in this storm. I am learning that I can enjoy being out and about while in this storm. I am learning to enjoy everyone around me while in this storm. ✨THAT IS FREEDOM.”-Stephanie

Though my husband is still in the hospital, I don’t have to keep myself isolated and locked away until “things are better.” On the contrary, I need to surround myself with people who are there for me; praying for me and helping me get through this. ✨God is showing me who I really am and definitely making me courageous. All I can do is thank Him. 🌸

Just Write

I know it’s been weeks since my last post, and honestly it doesn’t seem that long. It doesn’t seem like it’s been over a month since this all began. That tells me God’s hand is on everything. Everything is going to be ok. 

I felt the need to write, writing has always been the very thing that has helped me through it all. I feel God wants me to do it more, now. Though my flesh feels it’s the last thing I want to be doing. I have hidden away for some time. I have been pushing away the very things that can help me through all this and waiting for that, “right time.” I have realized that there will never be the right time or the perfect time. Only the, “now.”

What I mean about that is, when God says. Most days it will be when you least feel like it or the hardest days. But I have learned over time that what I am going through and what I share, has always blessed someone else reading it. It’s a constant reminder to me that I am not alone in what I go through and that others are going to the same things, or something similar.

We are never alone.

Tears, Just Cry

I remember telling my sister in-law when this first happened, that I will continue to cry through all this until God doesn’t allow me to cry anymore. It was after her telling me to not worry about what others think. To this day, I still shed my tears. It’s hard. I can’t deny that. I can’t pretend that I am not a mess at times, in all of this. I can be a mess. I don’t have to have it all together. Why? Because I am still human and I know when I am weak, God is strong. When I feel like I can’t stand, God is standing for me and that’s where I draw my strength from. He is my strength through all of this.

The Hidden Place

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God sees all things, especially those moments when we are alone and tears just flow from our eyes. He hears what is so hidden in our heart. He hears what words cannot say. 

I once heard, “tears are silent prayers.”  It is true. Our tears manifest what we feel inside, good or bad. I have had a lot of sad tears flow from me expressing the very thing I was holding in; frustration, impatience, fear, pain, even gratitude.

Only He knows exactly what I feel, think and desire. There have been times where I hold back those tears when I am around others and as soon as my bedroom door shuts, they pour out. I drop myself on the floor next to my bed and just cry. I know I am not alone in that.

“It’s been in my hidden (alone) place with God that I have found strength. The very place where I have expressed to Him what I feel, the things I hate and what I desire. It’s been that very place where I’ve been drawing my strength from. Each day I need it. Each day I recognize that I cannot make it without him. I need Him.”

Speak Life

Speaking life is speaking words of blessing, comfort, hope, love and truth.

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When all that I hear is negative, I speak words of life. I speak the word of God over the circumstance and ignore the bad. This entire journey has been just that. Words have knocked me down, but God has lifted me up, but stronger. I have been learning to block out words of death and combat them with words of Life. I have been changing the way I speak and think, and it’s helped me see things the way He sees them.

I have had doctors tell me one thing, yet see God do the opposite. I have been hit with the worst news anybody can get, but I have seen God’s hand over my husband. I know it’s only going to get better. My husband is still alive. 

I am choosing to speak words of life, because I have seen God manifest miracles before. I was a witness to one, though I didn’t know Him and my heart was so far from Him.

I know He is the same God. I know He will do it again. 

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I will not give up. I will not surrender to the pressures of the storm. I know who I am and who’s I am. My Father is the Lord of all of Heaven’s army and I am not alone. He is my defender. He watches over me and my husband and is the one giving him new life. We have nothing or no one to fear. That is what brings my heart peace.  ❤

 

Do It Again- Elevation Worship

Confia En Mi (Trust In Me)

The days have been rough. News after news, but none of it good. My heart so heavy with pain, all I could do was cry out to you. Sitting at his side, I pleaded for good news, you lifted my head and said; “I have already given it to you.” My heart felt comfort, how right You were. Your word is true and Your promises are sure.

It’s Been Two Weeks

These past couple weeks have been the longest and most painful weeks of my life. I have felt so many different things, things I have never felt before. From anxiety to panic attacks; from fear to hope; from sadness to absolute peace. My life has taken on a dramatic change and I know without a doubt it’s for the better.

I have been broken to my lowest and I have been able to see how far I was beginning to wander off track. God revealed to me how I have been lately, it broke me and humbled me. I saw myself through His eyes and I did not like what I was seeing. “I am so sorry,” has been my cry, for days.

From thinking I had a relationship with God these past couple months, to what I am experiencing now… night and day. I haven’t felt this connected to Him since I gave my life to Him, eight years ago. 

It’s sad to say, but it’s taken all this for me to recognize it.

My Reality Is Not My Ending

A few years ago at a women’s conference, a guest speaker shared her story about a promise God gave her. She shared how God promised her a son. When she became pregnant and up until she gave birth to him, there had been complications and a fear of losing him. It was then she cried out to God and reminded Him that her child was a promise from Him. Because she believed and trusted God’s promise, she knew that wasn’t the end. She knew her baby would be fine, because God promised him to her. At that time, the baby was already a couple years old.

She went on to share the story of Jesus on the boat, in the middle of the storm:

Jesus Calms the Storm

As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water. Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” The disciples were absolutely terrified. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “Even the wind and waves obey him!”-Mark 4:34-41

Jesus, the savior of the world. The One who died on the cross for the world. 

This story impacted my life in ways I cannot explain, and up until recently I have been holding on to that word, what that woman shared. The reason Jesus was sleeping on the boat in the midst of the storm was, because He knew that wasn’t His end. God’s promises and will hadn’t been fulfilled yet, on His life.

Jesus knew that there was so much more He still needed to do and that place, on that boat, wasn’t going to keep him from completing what He was meant to. God’s promises are always fulfilled. 

Which leads me to my, “reality.” I have been contemplating sharing this, here. The thought of re-thinking about it, reminded me of the pain and everything else I have felt. I have been going back and forth and asking God whether to share it or not. Yesterday at service I was given the opportunity to share a bit with the congregation about what’s been going on and what the doctors have been saying. It was the first time I have spoken about it publicly. While sharing it, I noticed it had a few people reflecting on things. One even told me that it blessed them.

The Stroke That Change Our Life

On July 21, 18- a day that I never saw coming. It was supposed to be a nice and relaxing get away. My husband and I stayed out of town for the weekend, it was the first time since before his heart surgery. We were both excited about it and were having a good time until that Saturday night.

We had just gotten back to our hotel from the baseball game. Things got a little intense and all of a sudden my husband began acting strange. He wasn’t himself and I began feeling so emotional. He wasn’t responding to me. He would mumble.

While sitting on the bed, he looked at me and began to cry. He wasn’t acting like himself at all. He then said something that caught me off guard… “I don’t want to go.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. A few seconds later, he grabbed his head and let out a cry. I was beginning to freak out. I texted his LVAD nurse and told her what was going on. I was messaging his mom, and both told me to call 911.

After that moment with my husband, he got up from the bed and stood right in front of me. He starred at me, blankly. He couldn’t speak. When he tried, nothing came out. He kept focused on what he had in his hand. I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on.

I called 911 and a few minutes later, the ambulance came and took him to the hospital. From my understanding, my husband was having a stroke. They ended up taking him to the nearest hospital.

Panicking and so anxious, I didn’t know what to do. I stayed at the hotel to pack up and check out from the hotel, to be with my husband. It was dark out. I didn’t know the area. I don’t like driving in places I am not familiar with. I had no choice.

So Much Fear

Driving to the hospital and trying to remain calm, didn’t prepare me for what I was about to find out once I got there. I was led to where my husband was. Immediately the EMT shared with me the news, assuming I knew what was going on. The only thing I new was that my husband was having a stroke. What I did not know was, it caused bleeding in his brain. I didn’t know a blood vessel had burst. I didn’t know that he had thrown up in the ambulance…

At hearing that, my heart sunk. I started crying and a huge sense of fear flooded my mind. At that very moment I felt so alone. I felt so scared. The first thing I did was call his mom and tell her what had happened.

When I had finally made it to the hospital, they had been preparing to take him to Stanford Hospital. I was so emotional, there was no way I could have been able to drive up there, let alone be there alone. My brother and sister in-law drove to where I was and from there we went to Stanford.

Confia En Mi, Trust In Me

It’s been two weeks, and my husband hasn’t been “responding.” It’s been two weeks and every single time I speak with the doctors, it’s more bad news than good; especially this last meeting we had with the doctors.  In these two weeks, God has been doing so much more than what anybody can see, let alone understand in their own minds.

After days of tears of guilt and regret, God has been restoring me. God has been remolding my life and has been teaching me how to trust Him, even when I cannot see. I have been learning to walk solely by faith and not by sight, or what is being said.

We have had encounters with God’s faithfulness, His presence and Him just confirming thing after thing, that proves to us that my husband is going to be OK.

My faith has been tested. I have finally been able to tell God, “Your WILL be done,” and actually mean it.

How many can actually make such a statement and actually mean it? How many can say; “God, your will be done,” but underneath really mean, “but what I want.” That was definitely me, before all of this.

That moment I told God that, was the very moment I meant: “Papa, your will be done, no matter what it means. Your will be done even if it means you taking him home or lifting him up from that bed. Your will be done, I surrender my best friend into your hands.”

At that moment I stepped aside, let God intervene and gave Him is rightful place. 

Before leaving the hospital, this last Saturday one of the doctors mentioned something with my husbands condition and if in any case things got worse through the night, they’d be calling me. I was like, “ok”.  That entire day, God told me to not fight what they would tell me. He told me not to say anything. I listened. I felt peace and a huge sense of calm. I haven’t gotten any phone calls, which means everything is ok. There is only God to thank. ❤

Learning to leave the life of my husband in my Papas hands has helped me be at peace. Though everything right in front of me screams, “give up!” My hearts says everything is going to be ok. He is going to rise from this, stronger and on fire for God. God has told me, to trust in Him. That’s exactly what I am doing. He isn’t a God that lies. He has made us promises and I know they will be fulfilled in my husband’s life, as well as our marriage, because this isn’t our end!

My husband is a worship leader at our congregation. It wasn’t a coincidence that this stroke attacked my husbands speech, voice and his right hand. (He worships with a guitar and happens to be right handed.) 

People may think we are crazy, but we know the God we serve. Even now, there are doctors that think we are, “fooling” ourselves. Why? Because they are only believing what they see and what they have seen.

God’s Ways Are Not Our Own

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.-Isaiah 55:8-9

I still don’t know why this happened to us; to me or my husband. I have not thought about asking God, why. I know better. I also know that everything happens for a reason, even the most difficult things. I know that in the midst of the storm, He is always there. I know that in the middle of the fire, He is doing something in us.

In all of this, He has been removing certain things from my life; habits, fleshly habits, attitudes, etc. This “fire” has been purifying me and cleansing me from all things that have not been pleasing to Him, at all.

In the midst of all this pain, fear, anxiety… I have learned what true peace is. That peace that surpasses all understanding. In the midst of the bad news and the things I see, I have peace and have that unwavering assurance, that everything is going to be, FINE. God will be glorified and others will see that He is real. ❤ In all of this, all I can say is, “THANK YOU! Gracias, Papa!”

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.-Psalm 40:1-3

Another verse that has brought my heart so much comfort and peace through out these couple weeks is:

He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.-Psalm 91:4

God’s promises are your assurance that you will make it through whatever life throws at you. Trust in Him, even when you cannot see the why.-Stephanie 

 

 

I Still Believe- Jeremy Camp

 

I have been given the courage to share what’s been going on. I have been given the courage to “relive” that painful moment, because I know God will use it for His glory. My deepest heart’s cry has been, “Lord use my pain for your Glory.” It will be done, I know my will bless someone else.  Out of all this, God has proven to me that He is holding me up in his righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Strong Girl Vibes

Sometimes I catch myself in a certain place, a place that is familiar. There are times I have to remind myself of who I am; in doing so, I pull myself out of the pit I am walking into. It’s like my mind snaps out of the temporary trans. I am awakened again. I cry. I can’t believe how far I was wandering. Then I lean on Him. The one who comforts me and tells me, “you’re never too far gone.” I am dusted off, I am clothed in robes of purity, identity and cleanliness. I am made new.

Saturday Vibes

“Because I am human. I don’t always have it all together. I break down. I become an emotional wreck…then I choose to pick myself up and keep moving forward. I determine myself not to stay where the enemy tries to keep me. I am no longer a prisoner of my emotions, thoughts or the mistakes I make. I have been made free; sometimes it takes me a littler longer to remember that.”-Stephanie

Today is a day where I literally have not gotten out of bed. There is really no desire to do so, but duties call. I don’t feel like myself today. I feel very weak and drained. I haven’t felt like this in awhile.

In all honesty I am a bit emotional. The only thing keeping me, “put together,” is me reaching out to God for what I am needing today.

Strength. Love. Peace. Joy.

 

When There Is Pain, There Is Healing

I have learned time and time again that when I have these episodes, it’s because I am being healed of something, set free from something, or there is something there in my life that I haven’t fully acknowledged. That one thing is coming to the surface, to be exposed by Him, only to be removed and replaced with more of what I am needing from Him.

Yes it hurts, and all I want to do is hide under my blankets, but I can’t. There is true freedom in knowing the truth. Only then can it really set you free. There is freedom in knowing what the underlining problem is. For we cannot fix what we don’t acknowledge is out of order.

Last night I cried. I saw myself trying to be who I was set free from. I cried, because that’s not who I am. I cried out those words. I had to remind myself that the enemy can’t keep me there anymore. But it’s up to me to fight through; which I am.

“I lean on Him when I feel weak. I look to him when I feel like I can’t see where I am going. I run to Him I feel I can no longer walk on my own.”-Stephanie

 

Today’s Play List:

My constant reminders that His love for me, never changes and that I don’t have to be perfect in order to run to God. That he loves me in my brokenness as well as in my put together. 

 

Jordan Feliz- Never Too Far Gone

 

 

Hawk Nelson- Drops In The Ocean

 

We Are Messengers- Magnified

 

Micah Tyler-Never Been A Moment

A Season

It’s been days since I sat here. I avoided coming to this place, the place of freedom as I type. What to say, what to write… I felt as though I had nothing. But something I always have; for many things happen each day. I look up to see, a butterfly sway in the air… life. I have life. Though the season is changing, I can still see the beauty in the transition. Same as it is in life. In life, seasons change. The transition may be rough, but nonetheless it leads to a beautiful beginning. Open our eyes, we must; to see what is new to see…

-…Heart of Grace

Lately, things have been changing; life is happening. Yesterday, a rough day it was. I felt no motivation to do anything. It was an atmosphere of, “blahnesss.” I am sure many have felt that way before.

The chores of the day bombarded my mind, I wasn’t able to focus on one task at a time. I would be doing something, but my mind would remind me of the other things I had to do. I just felt I was being pulled into different directions. I was becoming overwhelmed.

Then I heard wisdom flow from my husbands lips; “Focus on one thing at a time.” Ahhh, why didn’t I think of that? He was talking about doing one thing, focusing on only that and doing it right, then moving on to the next.

How many times have we heard that before, but it takes one more time for us to actually “listen,” to what they’re saying?

Come To Me…

Before starting my day, yesterday, I needed my time with Papa. Everything was just out of order and all it was doing was causing me to become weary, before even beginning anything.

In Him we find rest for our minds; rest for our weary hearts, guidance for those moments where we feel so lost and confused. As we rest in God, He shows us the way to go and the things to do. He lifts up every struggle, every frustration, every worry and replaces them with; peace, assurance, strength, wisdom, and everything else we need to face the day and get things done.

…And I will give you rest.

Is a promise.

He takes our place of frustration and self doubt and turns it into a place of victory and an overcomer. 

Give to Him what is weighing you down and He will give you what will lift you up.-Stephanie

It’s Monday

I sit here with my iced coffee near. Oh how I love Mondays. I mean, usually. Today I woke up feeling, not. so. myself… The past few days have been a struggle. I honestly struggled during Sunday’s services. Something was wrong with my body, with my mind. I felt so tired, I felt so distracted, I just felt different. I did my best to fight through it.

“It’s Monday, but…IT’S OK!”

Though I feel a little under the weather; physically & spiritually, I know I am not alone. I woke up today. I am here another day. That is reason within itself to be grateful, regardless of how I feel. He watched over me throughout the night.

I have a lot of things to take care of today, but that’s ok. I know they will get done.

I started Round 4 of my Fit Girl weight loss challenge. I did not meal prep, I did not stay updated with my posts on IG, nor did I take my before photos. I realized something about that… I have learned that going at my own pace helps with my over all progress. I stress less, I worry less and I don’t feel the need to compare myself to others. I am actually at peace about it. Something didn’t get done… not a big deal. Start again tomorrow… (today is my “tomorrow.”)

So many people look at Monday and sigh with despair. Already dreading a week they believe they will have. I have learned to be excited about a new week ahead, and not determine the kind of week I will have based on what kind of weekend I had. For me, I look at Monday as a fresh start. A day given to start again, a break from the busy weekend that has been left behind. (Though I have so much to do today.)

“A new day is a gift. That is why it’s called the present.”-Unknown

I know we have heard that saying a few times. It does have a lot of truth. We look to tomorrow as something to dread, but we fail to see how much a blessing it can be. If only we have learned to take a step back, breath and refocus on what’s truly important… we could then appreciate the fact that we are, indeed alive another day. But instead we are too focused on the things that were not done the night before, or the things that need to get done today.

“Life is not only about what needs to get done, but to be able to see The One who has given us life. To take the time to express to Him how grateful we are for… LIFE.” -Stephanie Ann

The way I have been feeling lately is helping me to not take the days or life for granted, but to be grateful that I still see new days. I have also learned that things are sometimes out of my control, I cannot do anything about it. So why should I waste time, worrying, stressing, angry, etc.?

So, it’s Monday… it really is ok.

 

You are the giver of life. Your light lets us enjoy life.- Psalm 36:9

 

Loneliness, Just A Word

“I sit here, alone. It never fails, though I am surrounded by people loneliness seems to find me. It whispers in my ear, “I want you.” It’s ever seductive voice captures my attention, I follow. Alluring me into a dark place, filled with temptations, I surrender my will. I sit there with loneliness. My mind begins to fill itself up with how things would be in different circumstances. I look around and see what is there, but yet something inside remains empty. Nothing that is seen can satisfy what my heart desires. I struggle to find the peace that sets me free. I struggle to see what I am meant to see. Loneliness blinds me. There is a giant gap between me and them. For loneliness has placed pain within when I think about becoming vulnerable and opening up. How I want to break free. How I want to fight back. “-…Heart of Grace

These past few days have been the worst. Lack of desire, motivation to do anything. All I want to do is stay in bed. I’ve been feeling alone, I have been feeling just isolated. I’ve been here before, I know what it feels like, I don’t like it. At all…

Through all this only one word comes to mind, loneliness. I always feel this way when I start depending on people to fill that void I have. The very void that only Jesus can fill. I have been looking to the wrong people, the wrong things for that satisfaction. Looking for a new “excitement” has only left me feeling drained and so exhausted. I need Him. I really do.

Loneliness is a real thing. Many people struggle with it. It’s a dark place that many do not escape from. It’s a place that lies seem like truths, a place where lies become their realities. A place that paints a false picture, only catering to ones feelings they are already carrying inside. How do I know? I have been there. I once believed that no one loved me. I once believed that I was never good enough. I once believed that people would be better off if I was dead. These are all pictures loneliness paints, to enhance the insecurities, to enhance the lies, to enhance the feelings.

There are days when all I wanna do is cry. That takes strength. There are days when I confess to someone what I am feeling inside. That takes strength. There are days when I push through and tell loneliness to get behind me. That takes strength.

When you feel the need to hold back your tears, because you don’t want others to see you cry, that is weakness. When you want to hide everything that is wrong because you’re afraid of what they may think or say, that is weakness. When you sit back and do nothing about how you’re feeling and allow it to control your life, that is weakness.

For it takes a stronger person to shed tears, admit there is a problem, ask for help and fight back. -Stephanie

Then, loneliness becomes just a word and no longer a reality. ❤

I Am Not Alone

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I’m standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You’re my strength
You’re my defender
You’re my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You’ve always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

Calm, In The Storm

In the midst of chaos, you’re the only stable thing. You calm what’s raging within, in perfect peace I’m in. Through the night, restless I became, but never far away were you. You held me close, you comforted my heart and reminded me that when the morning comes, joy will be restored.-…Heart of Grace

Inspired by a sleepless night & the experience it was.

calm-before-the-storm

Quote by: Stephanie A. Hernandez

“Though it was rough, the all surpassing peace over powered the storm. In the morning (when I woke up) the joy was restored. I woke up feeling strengthened, though I didn’t have much sleep. I was no longer in pain.”

God is the God of all comfort. His promise is; “Though sorrow lasts through the night, joy will come in the morning.”

No matter what you may be facing know that it is not the end, for the light shines brighter after the storm. It’s always calm, after the storm. -…Heart of Grace

Be strengthened in knowing that you’re not alone in what you’re going through. People may leave you, but the One who LOVES you, is always there.  ❤