Staring Insecurity In The Face

Days passed, days lost. I was surrounded by a fog, it slowly began to blind me. Blinding me from seeing Your truth, I was becoming vulnerable. Vulnerable to the things that once hurt me, those things that had caused me to wander so far away from you and how You see me. Approval from others, I was beginning to think I needed. I was putting myself in a place where I didn’t belong. I was trying to be someone I am not; as if who You made me to be, isn’t enough. I dragged my head so low as to think that who You created, wasn’t good enough for the world to see. So, imitation was becoming my limitation. I have gone through so much for such things still be an issue, but still deep down there are things hidden; things that still need Your freeing light. I am grateful for that still small voice. For clearly you speak into my heart and remind me of who I am, in You. -Heart of Grace

It All Starts With A Seed

I was laying in bed, (after all it is 1:08 am) of course I couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning, things were just running through my mind. The baseball game tomorrow, that exciting live I did with a friend on Facebook, etc.

But deep down, I knew there was something wrong, something I needed to acknowledge. I knew exactly what it was, because as soon as I recognized it, tears flowed down my cheeks. It’s an insecurity that has remained hidden, until recently.

The insecurity of not being liked, or not being that one person everybody wants to be friends with.

It’s always been about trying to be “popular.” It makes me wonder how many young girls now a days still struggle with things like this. What they have had to do just to “fit” in.

The Cause

I have always been the one to take offenses so personally to the point where I would start doubting myself and always wonder what was wrong with me. Why don’t they like me? Why don’t they want to be friends with me? What did I do so wrong?

I have always tried to be likeable because the moment I did something that someone didn’t like, was the moment I was pushed to the side and no longer, “liked,” or talked about.-Stephanie

Not knowing then, that there was a greater plan for my life. I wasn’t meant to fit in, but stand out. It literally took years for me to finally understand that… at times it’s still hard, especially when I see certain things.

The truest friend is the one who remains your friend when everyone else is trying to make you look bad, to them. They will also be the one to accept you for you, regardless of your flaws, that everyone else seems to highlight. 

God is always that friend. 

The Past Is just That, The Past

There will be moments in life when you find yourself in similar situations; situations that will make you think, “this is just like last time.” Or “it’s going to happen again!”

‘That hurt teenager, screams those words, now. That teenager who put everything in their friendships only to be easily pushed to the side is feeling that all over again. That hurt teenager… 

…is me.”-Stephanie

 

My Hearts Cry

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.-Psalm 139:23

The light of God illuminates deep within our hearts and exposes those things that we never knew were there, those things that we have tried so hard to hide and those things we never wanted to “relive” again… but it’s all for a beautiful purpose.

For me it was one of those things that I didn’t realize I still had. There are so many layers when it comes to forgiveness.

The truest way to know you’ve forgiven someone, is by what flows from your heart the moment you’re in a similar situation, with the same person. 

God has been restoring so many of my relationships, because I have first allowed Him to change me. There are specific people in my life that I thought I had completely forgiven, until recently.

Flashbacks have come of things that were done in the past; trying to get me to believe that it’s going to happen all over again. I have felt afraid. I have felt insecurity. I have felt like that teenager who just wants to go run and hide in a cave.

The verse in Psalm 139 is one of my favorites. It’s my hearts cry, constantly. At times I am a little hesitant to ask Him, because I know I don’t always like the process. It’s been because of that, that I have changed. It’s been because of that, that I have been healed from so many other things and insecurities.

“What I have found time and time again is, when God is about to do something great in my life, or about to use me in a big way, something tries to intimidate me and cause me to run, hide and shrink back like a scared little girl.”-Stephanie

“The actions or behaviors of others is never a reflection of you, but reflection of who they still are.”-Stephanie

Everything You’ve Gone Through Is Used For You

In the heat of the moment, it’s so hard to see. It’s so hard to understand. It’s so hard to believe that, “What the enemy means to harm you, God will use it for good.” Being completely honest, I have asked God, “when???” I have asked Him, “Why?!” I have even asked Him, “Why do I have to go through this?”

I didn’t always like the answer, but I knew He was always right. Everything that I have gone through in my entire life, has made me the person I am today. The strong willed woman. The courageous woman. The angry woman. The wiser woman.

I am being taught to use those things for Him. Being strong willed enough to not settle for less than His best, less than His truths. Being the courageous woman, to go out and do what I am supposed to do, regardless. Being that angry woman that fights back against the enemy and against the attacks that come to my mind; those things that try to get me to shrink back. Being that wiser woman, knowing and discerning what’s going on around me so I will no longer fall into the trap that is set before me. 

It was during worship on Wednesday that those questions flowed from my heart, into His ears. His response was simple. “You’re more mature than that to be affected by this, again.”

It only takes a small answer from God to break us free from a big lie.  

Because of being in similar situations in the past, dealing with insecurity and unforgiveness and so on, I have been strengthened and given wisdom to overcome the next “encounters.” Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

Nothing you go through is in vain. Nothing you suffered is in vain…if it’s been given to God, to be used as a tool against the enemy. 

Attacks will always come. Instead of seeing them as such, I now see them as tests; testing my maturity, testing my strength, testing my trust and faith in Him, testing me to see if I am ready for the next level He is wanting to take me to.

 

I am no longer that hurt teenager. I am now a warrior and daughter of God.-Stephanie

 

Strong Girl Vibes

Sometimes I catch myself in a certain place, a place that is familiar. There are times I have to remind myself of who I am; in doing so, I pull myself out of the pit I am walking into. It’s like my mind snaps out of the temporary trans. I am awakened again. I cry. I can’t believe how far I was wandering. Then I lean on Him. The one who comforts me and tells me, “you’re never too far gone.” I am dusted off, I am clothed in robes of purity, identity and cleanliness. I am made new.

Saturday Vibes

“Because I am human. I don’t always have it all together. I break down. I become an emotional wreck…then I choose to pick myself up and keep moving forward. I determine myself not to stay where the enemy tries to keep me. I am no longer a prisoner of my emotions, thoughts or the mistakes I make. I have been made free; sometimes it takes me a littler longer to remember that.”-Stephanie

Today is a day where I literally have not gotten out of bed. There is really no desire to do so, but duties call. I don’t feel like myself today. I feel very weak and drained. I haven’t felt like this in awhile.

In all honesty I am a bit emotional. The only thing keeping me, “put together,” is me reaching out to God for what I am needing today.

Strength. Love. Peace. Joy.

 

When There Is Pain, There Is Healing

I have learned time and time again that when I have these episodes, it’s because I am being healed of something, set free from something, or there is something there in my life that I haven’t fully acknowledged. That one thing is coming to the surface, to be exposed by Him, only to be removed and replaced with more of what I am needing from Him.

Yes it hurts, and all I want to do is hide under my blankets, but I can’t. There is true freedom in knowing the truth. Only then can it really set you free. There is freedom in knowing what the underlining problem is. For we cannot fix what we don’t acknowledge is out of order.

Last night I cried. I saw myself trying to be who I was set free from. I cried, because that’s not who I am. I cried out those words. I had to remind myself that the enemy can’t keep me there anymore. But it’s up to me to fight through; which I am.

“I lean on Him when I feel weak. I look to him when I feel like I can’t see where I am going. I run to Him I feel I can no longer walk on my own.”-Stephanie

 

Today’s Play List:

My constant reminders that His love for me, never changes and that I don’t have to be perfect in order to run to God. That he loves me in my brokenness as well as in my put together. 

 

Jordan Feliz- Never Too Far Gone

 

 

Hawk Nelson- Drops In The Ocean

 

We Are Messengers- Magnified

 

Micah Tyler-Never Been A Moment

No One Is You…

 

22228614_279644075889168_6561842772855785158_nMy darling, if only you knew the power there is in simply being you. I designed you like no other. Open your eyes to see the person you’re meant to be. Deep down inside I know there is a desire to separate yourself from the current of trying to be like someone you’re not. How hindering it is, and how light dimming it can be. What’s inside your heart? Just like the flowers of the orchard are not the same, so are you. Stand on the roof top of this world and shine the light that radiates from within. Hold your head up and walk the in the confidence that you’re enough; that being yourself is enough. -…Heart of Grace

It seems like as I wrote this, like it was directed to me. Lately I have been in a place where I have been doubting myself, because of the mistakes I have made. It seems like every time I make a mistake, I automatically compare myself to someone else; someone who seems to have it all together. I start questioning my own abilities and who I am supposed to be… I start comparing myself to them.

I have learned that comparison is another way of saying, “limitations, limited.” It has happened more than once, that I begin to compare myself, and then try to imitate what others do. I got no where, all I ended up with is unhappiness. Why? Because I wasn’t being who I am. We were created to be different. We were created to stand out from the rest, but in humility. God created us differently for a reason. To do what others cannot do.

We each have been given gifts, talents, ideas, dreams… things that no one else has. So when we start to compare and imitate others, we actually become limited & hindered.-Stephanie 

See, regardless of the mistakes we make, we are still ourselves. The very person no one else can be. Our mistakes do not define us. God’s truth does. 

The poem at the top, I believe is from God’s heart, to everyone. “If only you knew the power there is in simply being you…” In other words, if only you knew the amazing things you could accomplish and so on,  if you only knew and valued the person you really are.

Gifts & Talents

I ask this question in hopes of you remembering the very desire that once got you excited and motivated; What is it that you want to do? What do you feel called to do?

I ask myself the same question. I was reminded of who I am and what I’ve been called to do. It happened two weeks ago. It was during the time when I felt so discouraged and ready to give up on EVERYTHING. I literally mean everything. Because God is so good and so loving, He didn’t let me.

He doesn’t let us walk down a path that will only harm us. He loves us so much that He does His part to make sure we walk in the purpose. We are all meant for something; some are meant to become doctors, while others are meant to be: pastors, artists, bakers, etc. There is no limit as to what you can be, and who you can be.

What are you good at? What have you given up because you’ve compared yourself to others? What has the opinion of others caused you to stop doing? 

 

This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God have you… -2 Timothy 1:6

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. – 1 Corinthians 12: 4-6

 

So that no one can boast or so no one can hinder another, it is all from Him and because of Him. People are not the ones who have given us our gifts and talents, therefore they cannot stop us from doing what we are meant to or be the person we are supposed to be.

Therefore, the opinions of others, the ones that are meant to hinder, are not valid. 

It is not by our works or what we can do, but by Him; the one who sees all things through and who has the power to put into place our very path.- Stephanie

So, I, encourage you to take some time and think about what it is you’re meant to do, who you’re meant to be. Think about the gifts and talents you have and put them into motion. “Fan into flames…” Worry not about who’s around, what they think or say. You’re you and that’s power within itself. ❤

 

Quotes

“Don’t occupy yourself with another person’s assignment; stay focused on your own.” -Max Lucado 

“Imitation, is limitation.”-Joyce Meyer

Body Image

I stood there looking into the mirror, the person staring back at me; I did not know. I have changed, I have changed in a good way. My body, no longer my own; the body from the past. There staring back at me I saw: confidence, self-worth, I saw a woman who no longer hides herself away. I never imagined such a body & such vision of myself existed beneath the insecurities & self-doubt. -…The Heart of Grace

I write today to express how I have been feeling lately about my own body. Though I had been in a rut, I look at my body in the mirror in amazement. Yes, amazement. I have not seen my body like this in years. I am happy. I am loving it. I am just content with how my progress is coming along. -Stephanie

Paint Your Own Image

Often times we determine ourselves to set goals that are based on someone else’s progress rather than what’s best for our own bodies. Every single body is different… I realized this a long time ago. Since my body has been changing, I am seeing that it’s not the “figure” I though I would have, so I have learned to love it anyway and stop “wishing” my body shape was like, “hers” or “hers.”

There’s there nothing wrong with the shape of my figure, just like there isn’t anything wrong with yours. The key is learning to accept it and love it as is.

Honestly

I have seen so many beautiful women online who flaunt their stuff with full confidence. It inspires me and challenges me to love my own body. I have been led to workout and take care of my body, which has helped me love my body a lot more than before. In no way does that mean that anybody has to do the same in order to love theirs. I think it’s amazing that there’s so many positive ways one can learn to love their own body. That is what we should accept.

Watching all these women show off their flaws, helps me to embrace my own. Yes, I still have the “pouch,” but I am not obsessed about it anymore. Little by little the problem areas are changing, I am happy with that.

When it came to my body, I was always self-conscious and insecure. I would look at other women with nice bodies and think to myself there was something wrong with me. I never imagined that the body I wanted was just underneath.-Stephanie 

It’s not the outer exterior that makes a woman beautiful, it’s the heart she has and the confidence she has in herself and how she sees herself. 

The Harshness of Your Words

To see change and to see yourself in new light, your opinion of yourself has to change. Our words paint a image and affect our reality. Though it can be a lie, you start to believe and live your life as if it were.

“I am ugly.” 

“I am fat.”

“I look like a fat pig.”

“You’re a fat whale.”

These are only a few of the many harsh things I have told myself… I began believing these lies to the point where my life began manifesting it. I hated myself so much that I no longer cared about what I did. I gained weight, it only added to my insecurities. I was trapped by the false image I painted through my words & thoughts.

21742234_269637850223124_188150978_o.jpg

 That’s a promise. 

Start by embracing where you are, accepting it and determining yourself to make changes. In the process you will learn to love your body, and in doing so you will see it change in ways you never imagined. Your body is for you, and not against you, it just needs the correct attention and nurture. ❤

I look at myself, now, in the mirror and words like these flow from it, “I have a cute body.” -Stephanie