I woke up today; still missing a part of me. There is a yearning in my heart to see him, to speak with him. I feel him around, as though You are trying to comfort me, but it only makes me miss him so much more. How does one move forward? How much time should pass? When is it too much or too little time? In my alone time with You, I cried out. With tears in my eyes and a heart full of pain; I confessed. I do not understand. In the not understanding it hurts. I trust You; my heart cried out. All I could say was, “You know the plans You have for me…” Immediately my heart trusts you. You are getting me through the most difficult time of my life, there is nothing You will not see me through. I believe You.
When I go back to the place where we met; immediately memories flood my heart. I can still see him there. His smile is unforgettable; his character contagious. Alone in the Your house I was surrounded by him; the memories of him. That was his place; the stage. He was your worshipper.
I stood around the piano; I could still see him playing. I could hear him singing. Every part of Your house reminds me of him. The thought of now entering a new year without him, still stings!
I felt a desire to go; You were calling me.
You showed me so many things; reminded me of so many things. You do not let me forget the kind of person he was. I want to be like him. I want to have the heart he had for you.
For the whole month of December I have been battling depression and so many other things, due to the thought of entering a new year literally without my husband.
I had found myself holding on to what has already happened and still the memories I had with him in 2018, when he was still here. In my heart I felt guilty stepping into something new and moving on, as though it meant I was about to forget my husband and everything we shared.
I sat alone in the church and I had this vision of myself. It was me there with one hand holding tightly to the past and the other hand outstretched towards what’s ahead. I was stuck in the middle; one foot in and the other one out.
I sat there; the exact same way. My left hand was clenched and my right was open. I cried… I prayed. I confessed and declared that me letting go of the past and what has already happened didn’t mean I was going to forget my husband or the memories, it meant that I was going to let go of all the bad; the hinderances. As I was praying and opening my heart to God I could feel my grip loosening up. He was there helping me let go; helping me let go of the hurt, the pain and every hinderance in my life.
I wasn’t alone.
If I am being honest, I am scared. I don’t know why all this is happening. I don’t know what is going to come out of all this. I don’t understand and I made that known to God. I yelled it out, then I quickly realized it was the cause of all that I have been feeling. Once I expressed it, a wave of peace and calm came over me.
A weight was lifted from my shoulders. I trust God. I believe that He knows the plans He has for me and for all this that He has allowed to unfold. God isn’t a liar; nor does He rejoice in seeing His children suffer; hence my husband now being Home and well.
The thought of “letting go,” well… it’s always been hard. I have always been the one to try to hold to things as long as I could because I never knew when it would come again. In this case, I am still longing for my husband, still trying to hold on to him because I think someone like that will not come again. It’s a lie.
Never in my life have I met someone like my husband; someone so caring, so genuine, so loving. He accepted you as you were, without judgement. He made you feel safe to be yourself and open up to share the hidden secrets and would let you know that it was ok.
I remember when he and I first met; I felt that immediate connection with him, I was able to open up to him. Our sense of humors linked together… there was never a dull moment. That’s what I miss so much!
The feeling of being safe around him, I will never forget. I remember sharing with him a poem, that I never shared with anyone else. I just felt comfortable with him. Not once did I feel judged… if anything he showed me God’s love that much more. He accepted me how I was. I was broken when I met him. I was lost, I was confused and I definitely didn’t see the worth that he had seen in me.
Our friendship grew… never in my life was I my true self, the way I was with him, and him with me. Our friendship was our foundation. I know it was because of our friendship in God that we were able to overcome so many things we went through, thought it was hard.
He loved me like no one ever had. He saw the best in me that no one ever had. He encouraged me and made me feel like I was capable of anything, things I never thought I could do. I am doing a lot of those things. I know he would be so proud of me.
The hurt part of me thinks that I will not have another person like that in my life again. That’s where the loneliness comes in and I begin to feel his absence that much more. But I have to remember that God is the God of restoration. He returns to you 100 fold what the enemy has taken from you. I am learning to trust His timing.
In this season of waiting, I am learning to be new. What has taken me years to let go of, I am beginning to see the kind of woman I was always meant to be. This journey of purity and pruning has been difficult, but I have opened my heart and surrendered everything that has always been a disturbance to my walk with God.
Some may think it’s too soon, or crazy, but I have already begun praying for my future husband. I have made known to God what I desire in a man, but at the same time, God made me see something. He said this, “You desire a man like that, then you must first allow me to change you and heal you so you can be the woman that he is desiring.”
It makes sense; how can we desire something, without first making changes to our life? In doing so we are setting ourselves up for blessings. We cannot be given something good, when our hearts/lives are still a mess… we would not be able to appreciate it the way we should, and the bad cycle would happen all over.
God wants to break habits and change us, not because He is controlling, but because He wants the absolute best for our life. We are not the wisest when it comes to making decisions for our life. If we are truly honest, we get ourselves in more trouble than we ought, because we “think” it’s best for us. We find ourselves in relationships that only leave us broken and empty because we “thought” it was right…I can go on, but you get the point.
I don’t want to be the same. I don’t want to walk into the new year being the same me. I don’t want to take old habits into the new and think that God will do something great… I am being broken only to be put back together the way He originally designed me to be.
I am learning to be pure in my thoughts and in my way of living. I am learning what it means to truly be a woman and the beauty it really is.
I am tapping into a side of me that I never really paid attention to. What is beginning to unravel is something beautiful. I am being made new.
My Heart’s Prayer
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.-Psalm 139:23-24
Change me. Transform me. Make me like You.