Farewell

A step to move forward; letting go of the past is required. I am at a crossroad. I look at the options ahead of me, yet I still see what I wish still existed. I am at a standstill. With all my heart I want to let go and start anew, but there is something deep down within that remains afraid of the unknown that lies ahead. I look up to You, no words are said, You know the very look my eyes carry. With my face downcast all I can say is, “I want what You have in store for me.” Help me to let go of what was, for forgetting it will not happen. A day is coming when I will no longer look back on the memories and mourn, but be thankful for the opportunity given. I hear it again and again, “This had to happen,” and immediately I am comforted. You know the plans You have for me. I know they are not to harm me, for through the eyes of hope I see Your prosperity.

Farewell

September 15th of last year, was the day we celebrated the life of my husband. It was the day I thought I would be saying, “see you later,” but it turns out I have been trying to hold on to him for as long as I could. The process to healing has taken a bit longer. I have been fighting my way through, constantly saying, “no.”

I have been wishing things were the same, only to fully ignore what God had been trying to do. It was not to hurt me, but to give me a new future. Just like His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 says. This verse has been my everything during this season of widowhood. I was reminded of a poem that I wrote:

“You Know,” came to me at night while I was in bed. I remember feeling angry and doubting God’s goodness. I doubted that He cared for me because of what He had allowed to happen. I was angry at Him because I believed that He didn’t answer my prayers. At that moment that verse came to my heart and I repeated it out loud:

‘You know the plans You have for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.’ When those words flowed through my mouth a sense of peace came over me. It was a clarity that I needed at that moment to realize that He knew what He was doing. A vail was torn and it was a confirmation that something good was going to be coming out of this. My Father manifested Himself to me at that moment.

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Fighting The Motions

These past few months have been seasons of growth and a lot of healing. They have also been moments where I have been letting go of him, little by little, but fighting God every step. I have been taking baby steps because I have been afraid of “forgetting” him and acting like he never existed. Last night I felt like the time was soon coming when I would start taking down photos of him and I. I immediately shot back, “I am not going to act like he never existed.” This only proves that I am fighting God.

I often ask myself, “why is this so hard?” I have yet to get an answer. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do. I wish it was easy for me. I wish I was able to be fully obedient to let go completely, but I haven’t.

Every step; the good, the bad and especially the ugly have been necessary for growth and healing. There was no way I would have been able to skip over the harder parts just to get to the good.

Fading Away

It’s like a movie that is playing in my head, the memories of what was are slowly fading away until everything is gone. Pictures are being removed, clothes have been taken down… the realization that that part of my life is really over. I am afraid.

I am afraid I will forget him, but I know I have to say, “I’ll see you later.” I know it’s time. For I know that this will make way for the man God has for me. The best is yet to come. God’s best for me, he is yet to come. I am a single woman walking in the ways of God. This gift of a new start, I will not take it for granted.

I want to see the Goodness of God in my life.

 

Letting Go

As I let go, I am not forgetting. What I am doing is letting go of my past. Even now memories are being shot in my mind and they hurt. The very reason I am meant to let them go. Memories of the hospital visits. Memories of what it was like to endure hospital stays and so much more, I am letting them go. I am letting go of the sadness, the lonliness and the pain. I am letting go of the ugly, to fully embrace the good that is soon to come.

It’s what is best for me.

I will always carry the good in my heart and the good examples that were made I will carry into my new relationship. The lessons learned will always be in my heart, for they have made me wiser and have helped me see what kind of woman I want to be.

I will always have that special place in my heart for Freddy. He was my first real love and husband. I could never forget that. I am letting go of my past for myself, in order to move forward and also as respect for the man God is preparing for me.

My sister in law told me something that really made me think. She said, “after this step, there is one more step you will have to take. You will have to let go of all the photos and things of Freddy when God brings that man into your life.”

At that moment, I was thinking of how hard that would be, but now, I know when that time comes God will give me the courage and the ability to do it. It will be that fresh start He has been preparing me for… I will be ready. 

It’s all one step at a time.

 

 

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I Will See You Later

My life is a movie that is playing out and a sweet mystery it’s becoming. One step at a time, things are unraveling. Stepping into this new season and this identity, many doors have been opening. I have stepped through a new door, only to finally understand that the one behind me has already been shut. I take a look back and all I see is a closed door that can no longer be open. I begin forward, ready to embrace the new He has for me.

I now say, “I’ll see you later.” It’s time.

You were my best friend and I loved you. You were the best part of my life for those eight years. You helped me know God’s love for me in the way you loved and cherished me. Your friendship helped me through difficult moments at that time. I will never forget your encouragement and the words of life you spoke over me. You always reminded me of who I was and who you knew I would be. I will always be thankful for having you in my life, Alfredo Hernandez Jr. I believe you would be proud of the woman I am today. I know without any of this, I wouldn’t be where I am. You showed me how to love unconditionally. You showed me how to cherish every moment. These are things I will carry over when God brings the One.  Thank you for being the man of God you truly were. I especially thank you for teaching me what true worship is. You always had a worshippers heart. I will never forget that.

I will see you later. I love you.

With that I say, “goodbye,” to the past.

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2010 – 2018

Dare You To Move…

A song played at his service, as if he was telling me.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

 

To Move

I cannot hold what I feel inside. Days have past and all I feel inside is a sadness. Tears, delaying they are to come forth. There is a whirlwind of emotions surrounding, each of them follow the struggles around me. There is a battle, but what it has not, is caused me to surrender in defeat. I am your daughter; a warrior I am. I have pushed through the current. I have clung to You through it all. I cast my cares on You, because You have always cared for me. This I know to be true. I need You. I have the hope that even better days are ahead of me. This storm is only temporary, for the sun shinning, is still to come. I know it’s true; I have seen many. You alone are the rest for my weary soul.

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The Oppression

I know I am not the only one going through some kind of struggle. The past few weeks have been so hard! It has felt like a fog of emotions, tiredness and the wanting to just escape to my “hiding place.” That place where I would shrink back to when things would get hard. I would isolate myself and just hide whatever it was that I was feeling at the time. It was my way of not allowing anybody in or allow them to see what I felt.

I can’t this time and I am able to see a growth, a maturity that was not there before. I am proud of myself for it.

So many things have been happening and things I have been dealing with have been so overwhelming. In the midst of the pressure and oppression I have been seeking more of God. I have been running to Him rather than to that place of escape, the place of isolation…that place where I just want to give up. It has made me stronger and taught me how to truly cast my cares; worries, struggles (things I have absolutely no control over) on Him.

This has truly allowed to see a different side of myself. It has shown me that I no longer bottle up offenses or take up burdens that are not meant for me to carry. Other people’s problems no longer become my own and I no longer have that need to try to fix them either. It’s definitely a liberating feeling.

It’s maturity. 

 

Courage

  1. the ability to do something that frightens one.
    • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     

There is something about this definitoin that brings a sense of strength when I read it. It tells me that no matter how we feel, it doesn’t have to keep us from rising up from the pit or from pushing through the oppression we face.

…Strength in the face of pain or grief

I believe that I am going through the final stages of the grieving process. I did something today that I have been avoiding since the beginning of August. Today I was reminded of it, again. I was reminded during today’s preaching. It was about how we tend to close certain areas of our heart from God (Holy Spirit) because it’s hard to relive those things or let them go. Thoughts came to my mind of what I needed to do and immediately I tried to shut them away, like I have been. I knew better. I knew that God wanted me to confront this in order to begin the rest of my healing and restoration process  in my life so I can finally move on.

 

I got home…

I stood at my closet with an empty bag and a shirt in my hand and I began to cry out to God. I told Him, “I need You hear with me!” I was having a hard time. It was like, “if you want me to do this then I need You here with me. I am not going to do this alone.” Then I placed the folded shirt in the bag and began pulling the rest of my husbands clothes off the hangers.

It’s time for me to let go.

During that whole time I felt peace. I needed the courage to finally do it even though thoughts would bring that fear and sense of loneliness in. God, my father showed up in that moment because I had the courage to finally get up and do what He knew would be hard for me. He reminded me that in the midst of the hardest, toughest and scariest moments, He will always be there. We don’t have go through or do things alone.

That’s all I have been doing lately. Things that I always desired to do, He has opened doors for me to do. It has been scary and there have been times where I wanted to just hide and avoid people seeing me, but I can’t. God has finally taken me out of the “cave” and is now placing me in a place where I cannot avoid those things that used to bring fear.

I am being courageous in the midst of the grief. I am being courageous though I feel fear. I am being courageous even though I still feel alone. I am being courageous because I know Who goes before me and Who has always been by my side.

 

No More “Relationships”  –I am waiting for the “ONE.” 

It’s a promise I made to God. It’s also the reason why I still wear my engagement ring. It’s now become a promise ring. It’s promise to God and myself that I will no longer be in random relationships. It’s a promise of purity during this season of singleness.

I truly believe that God has another man for me. So the steps I am taking now, I believe are necessary. I have been asking God to prepare me and do what needs to be done in my life, so that I can be ready for him (my future husband.) I want to be healed and fully restored so that when the time comes for a new relationship from Him, I will have nothing from the past to carry into my relationship/marriage.

It will be a fresh start. It will be one truly founded on Him. It will truly be a blessing.

God has been doing so many things in me, my body, that have been so exciting and all in preparation for what’s to come.

I am excited.

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The promise I cling to.

 

 

As I was standing there, placing in the bag one piece of clothing at a time, I sensed God standing there with me. It was an encounter I truly needed, with my Father. 

 

Wanted

This blog post was written back in April. I have finally felt led to share it, as my new "perspective" on my journey fits in. I have come a long way since this post and I am truly thankful to God. My experiences have led me to truly wait on God and his timing for everything, especially when it comes to Him brining the right person and people in my life. It was said, "God sees the heart of the people. When we wait on God, we are set up for success."- Marcela Page 
She was referring to relationships founded on God. That word was for me. -Stephanie

The Truth

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what to say… for the first time I feel a block, as if something within me doesn’t want me to share what has been happening in my life. Loss. I seem to be familiar with this lately. I have cried out to God and asked Him why He has allowed me to go through so much loss and different types at that. I don’t understand.

I have been an emotional mess, trying to go in every direction; away from God. It’s left me broken.

Abandoned

I have been feeling this for awhile now. I have cried for my husband and even wondered why he would want to leave me. Anger arose within me and I just lashed out at him as if he could hear me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to come back to me.

That’s something I haven’t felt until recently. These past few months I realized just how much my husband loved me, cherished me and appreciated me and it only made me miss him even more. It made me wish he was still here, so that I could appreciate him that much more.

Every loss I have experienced in my life has left me feeling abandoned or unwanted. Why? Because I have always placed my dependency on them. I made them my source of happiness, comfort and companionship and when they were gone, it always left me wandering: “What am I going to do now?”

Being abandoned, pushed to the side or enduring a type of loss does not mean you’re unwanted or not good enough.

Lies

The feeling of not being good enough can shrink you so low. I know this, well. Since my husband passed away I have been struggling with my identity; who I am without him. I was the one he cherished, encouraged and reminded who they were, constantly. He was my affirmation…

August 29, 2019

…Being without him made me feel lost, because when he was still here I knew where we were heading and I knew my place. After he left, I wasn’t so sure anymore… until the past couple months when I left the place that was “familiar.”

I am seeing God move in my life in so many ways, ways that I was beginning to think would not happen anymore. I had to step out in faith and allow Him to lead me to, “the land that He would show me.” I didn’t know what the outcome would be. I didn’t have all the details. I just knew it was time to go, and I went. 

 

A New Perspective

Referring back to the beginning of this blog; feeling abandoned, feeling not wanted… the enemy painted a picture in my head that had me depressed for awhile. I was beginning to believe that I was abandoned by my husband. That he wanted to leave me, that he chose to leave me alone. I felt not good enough, all over again. I was beginning wonder what was so wrong about me that I continued to lose people.

How wrong and twisted my thinking had been.

I Feel To Share This:

I know so many others feel this way. Especially those who have lost loved ones due to suicide. (Though I don’t know what that feels like, I wanted to tell you… it wasn’t your fault. You are wanted. You are loved. You are someone that others want to be around.)

As someone who suffered with suicidal thoughts, it was more about how low, unworthy, not good enough I felt, than it was to hurt those who cared about me. It was about how I no longer wanted to feel the way I did. 

God knows who needed to read that. He loves you!

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Things have been happening around me that has allowed me to see something new. I once heard a pastor say that it’s easier to lose (to death) a spouse than it is to be separated from them and constantly seeing them. When my husband passed away it wasn’t his choice. I know that he didn’t want to leave me; as he said it right before the stroke happened. Believing that has been making the healing process that much easier, though it hurts and I still have my moments. (I find myself right here, this week.) 

I have been a witness and have experienced being on the other side of the disrespect and someone choosing to hurt me, push me to the side and abandon me at my lowest. I believe things like that hurt so much more because they choose to do it and because it was in their minds; hearts to do such things.

Healing is coming to my heart because I am understanding that my husband didn’t have a choice to leave me. It was God’s will for it to happen the way it did. We had no choice. 

Knowing this truth, is brining comfort while removing the doubt, anger and the “whys.” I am beginning to move on and slowly feeling less and less guilty for it. It was not my choice, either. It was something that had to be done, though.

Knowing this truth is allowing me to accept God’s love. It’s helping me believe that I am good enough and that I am wanted. It’s allowing me to believe that His goodness for my life is true and that in due time I will see His promises finally unfold.

I no longer wonder, “why?!”

I no longer look at where I was and say, “I can’t believe…”

I no longer look at myself through eyes of widowhood, but of a single woman who has been blessed with a brand new start. 

I will be enjoying this journey and wait for God’s timing for a new a blessed relationship… I am worthy of every good thing. 

The Bad, The Good & The Beauty.

I have seen my life take on a transformation. One I did not expect to happen the way it did. My life, caught under a violent wave; being tossed and pulled under; pulled under by anxiety- coming up, gasping for air the wave of pain, sadness and loneliness only pulled me back down. I began to believe that I would not come out of it. I was in the deep end, with no help in sight. I had to learn to swim. For it was either sink or fight to stay afloat.

My feet, finally on solid ground. Though days are harder than some, I am walking along still waters. The woman I am becoming, who is this? I do not recognize. She is free. She is strong. She is confident. She is brand new. The look in her eyes is like none I have seen before. The radiance in her smile, I can’t remember the last time I saw it.

The bad, the good and the beauty of it all- is the pressure that is forming this diamond of a woman.  

Widowhood

The poem above is a truthful aspect of widowhood. Especially when it happens all of a sudden, without a warning; without having the time to actually say, “goodbye.”

This was/is my journey. I remember feeling as though I was suffocating with panic, anxiety and so much fear.

As of July 21st, I have been reminded of the journey that would change my life forever.

The night my husband entered the hospital and never came home. August is quickly approaching and I feel those waves trying to overtake me again. I am being reminded of every feeling and every detail of those moments; every day up until August 31, when my husband took his final breath and went HOME.

I look back from where I am now, I am not the same woman. I look at myself in the mirror and see a much stronger woman. I see a much more confident woman. I see a woman who was once broken, now being made whole. I can see maturity; for I no longer have that little girl mentality. July 28, 2019

I look at this picure of myself and I see a woman with a strong and powerful story to tell. I see a woman eager to reach so many other women who find themselves on this same journey. A woman who desperately wants to embrace the brokenhearted and tell them that everything is going to be ok; that God truly loves them.

For what God has done for me through this season of widowhood, He can and will do for those who place their hope in Him. 

You’re not alone, love.

What you’re feeling; anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness is temporary. You will get through it. That’s a promise. 

 

Emotional-I

To say that I have it all together and I no longer cry or miss my husband would be a lie. I have cried two days in a row, just missing my husband. I wore his button up shirt last night, I even sprayed some of his cologne. Tears fell from my eyes and I didn’t understand why. I cried out for him…

I sat on my bed and played some of his favorite worship music. In that moment I felt him near me. I felt peace and I felt rest.

I often wonder when this sting, this pain will fade. I have not gotten an answer. There is no such time frame for one’s grief. For me, it comes in waves. I have not had one of these breakdowns in weeks. When it comes it hits me so hard.

Moving On

With this, I still struggle. I take a few steps forward only to look back and realize I am doing it without him. Guilt settles in and I just want to stop and drop to the ground.

“We were supposed to walk this road together!” My emotions continue to cry out. I know that this journey ahead, I was meant to walk alone, with God. For what lies ahead, is far more great that what I had to let go of and what I have lost; the life I once knew.

Honesty

Lately I have felt numb; numb in a sense of not knowing what to feel, what to think or what to say…or write. I remember how I was always inspired to write and share what was on my heart… lately it hasn’t been that way. I can easily make excuses and blame on me not having no time, but that would be a lie.

It’s just a mood I have been in. Like just allowing the motions to play out.

Widowhood changes everything. It changes who you are. It changes your routine. It changes your whole being and ways of doing things. It changes the course of your life.

I am making sure that it leads me to something greater; with purpose.

 

I feel alone a lot, because of not having my husband here with me, but I know I am not literally alone. 

I miss having a companion to do things with and share things with, but I know that I have others to enjoy the company of and talk to. 

I miss the hugs and comfort of my love, but I know I still have that from my family and friends. 

It’s been all about learning how to change my perspective on things like that. It’s the difference between sinking and swimming. What has helped so much, is letting people in and being there for me through it all. Especially during those moments when I felt like I was drowning in anxiety and loneliness.

There are some battles you cannot defeat alone, widowhood is one of them. -Stephanie

Without the struggles, without the pain…I wouldn’t be who I am becoming. It has all been necessary.

 


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While I Wait…

I will continue to seek Him.

I will continue to allow Him to form me and remold me into the companion my future husband is needing, while God is doing the same in them, for me.

I will continue to go were He leads and do what I am meant to do.

For this season of widowhood is a freedom in disguise, to fulfill the purpose still meant for my life. It’s an opportunity to walk closely to Him and intimatley connect with His heart. It’s a beautiful journey. 

 

A Word of Advice

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Your feelings are valid. In no way am I belittling any other kind of loss, but to lose a spouse is different than losing another kind of loved one. (I lost my mom; I have also lost an aunt that same year.) I am no stranger to loss. But losing my husband has been the HARDEST.

Today I found myself thinking of those times when people would belittle my grief, as it wasn’t necessary or that after awhile there was no need to, just because I knew my husband was in a better place.

This came from someone who has not known the loss of a spouse, but only of a child.

A loss of a spouse is like someone tearing a part of you away. It’s a deeper kind of pain that we feel. You’re entitled to your grief and the motions of it. People will not understand what it’s like to walk in your/my shoes as a widow, unless they, themselves have gone through it.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to feel what you need to feel, but all I ask is that you don’t stay there.

You can overcome. You can begin again. 

 


Isaiah 54:4-5

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
    Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
    and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;
    the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
    the God of all the earth

 

A Blessing of A Friendship

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Today I had a very specific revelation; it became clear to me the very purpose as to why we go through so many different things… to be a beacon of hope for others who are going through the same things. To manifest understanding, support and the unconditional love of The Father.

‘He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ‘

2 Corinthians 1:4

A few week’s ago I was reconnected with an old friend. During this time of getting to know them all over again, I have come to learn that we have gone through similar things; down to losing our mothers the same year, month and only three days apart. God works in such mysterious ways. 

I have learned that people do not cross our paths without reason. There are no coincidences. Things happen for a specific reason. 

Having this friendship and the love from my best friend Jennifer has helped me get my mind off  of my last relationship. I haven’t laughed so much, like I do now. This new friendship is one where I have been able to really be myself, again. The last person I was like this with, was my husband; someone who gets my humor and who has one just the same.

It amazes me how everything I have been through throughout my life has opened up my heart in such a way, now, that I never expected. Spending more time with Papa has really opened up my eyes and heart to see things how I never saw them before.

It’s a new maturity and love for the hurting and those around me who are struggling with the very same things I did. I have experienced the torment of anxiety. I have experienced the loneliness of depression. I have also experienced the sting of loss, on multiple occasions. So I get it. I know what it feels like. 

 I want my story to bring hope. I want my story to bring life. I want my story to manifest the goodness of the One who helped me through it all. I want it to be proof that if He could do it for me and in me, then He can do it in everyone. 

This new season of being “hidden,” being still has been a blessing. Like I said things are starting to come to life in a way I never experienced before. I love it.

It’s priceless. It’s special. I have learned to leave everything in God’s hands. 

 

Without understanding, we become impatient. Without understanding we push those who are hurting away, unless we ourselves have been in their shoes. -Stephanie

 

Be kind. Be patient. Be loving. You’d be amazed at the outcome.

 

Begin

Hello, loves!

I know I have been MIA for awhile. Life has just been happening and I have been, or still am in a season of just being… silent. It’s been so hard to just sit  back and allow what needs to be done. If you are like me and like to share every. single. thing, then you know how hard it’s been. I have really been trying to be intention with spending time alone with God and just being led by Him.

He has really been speaking into my life and ministering a bunch of healing into my heart. I have been dealing, still with my husband’s passing and having to confront so many different memories I realized I pushed away because of them being so hard to think about.

One thing for sure is, He has really been speaking to me about what it is to start AGAIN.

 

When life hits you hard and you find yourself trying to get back to “normal,” and you realize nothing will ever be the same again, begin again.
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🌸For me that phrase is starting over, starting fresh. I have spent so much time trying to get back to my own “normal,” and struggled to realize that it is gone. Nothing is or will ever be the same and because of that, I am no longer the same. I am ok with that. 

🌸The heartbreak, the pain has made me realize that I am stronger. The wrong choices that led to abandonment and rejection have only made me wiser. 

Begin again, where you are. Sometimes it can be scary, but remember you are not alone. –Stephanie Ann

Silence

For me being “silent,” isn’t as easy as I thought.

Being silent has meant not posting things on social media just to show people what I was up to, making a point or trying to prove something to everyone. When I was told to cut back on doing that, I realized how much of it I was actually doing.

We live in a time when everything is posted online for others to see.

I felt it was meant in a different way for me. It was a way to keep myself from losing credibility about my walk with God and who I really am. 

Sometimes we can post something that causes us to lose sight of who we are or cause others to change the way they see us. It really does take just one post.

I posted on Facebook every single bad thing I was feeling, but then I would post stuff about how good God is… I knew something needed change.

Not only has this season of being silent helped me see where I have been wrong, it has also taught me to just listen. It’s helped me stay still long enough to hear from God and allow Him to bring to the surface areas of my life that I had just smashed down, never to be seen or thought of again.

It was time for them to rise to the surface because God wanted to set me free and heal that area of my life. 

Staring Death in The Face

A week ago my emotions were all over the place. I felt angry. I felt sad. I just felt emotional. I had no idea why. Things from my husband’s passing would pop into my head at random times and I would become teary eyed and just push them donw, again. I just didn’t want to confront them.

I was really missing him.

One night, as I was laying in bed, I kept tossing and turing. I just couldn’t sleep. Out of no where fashbacks from the hopsital where my husband passed away came to mind. All of a sudden I got a flashback of the day my husband died. I quickly sat up and began to cry. It was a cry that came from the pit of my stomach; a cry filled with so much pain. I told God, “no!”  I didn’t want to relive that moment.

All I heard was, “what do you see?” He was asking me to say out loud the memory that was tormenting me. I told him, “I see his dead body laying there, him so lifeless.”  It was the memory of when I walked into the room only to see him like that.

I couldn’t help but break down and let out many silent screams. Something was being broken and I was being set free. I felt so much peace when it was done and I heard these gentle words; “It was necessary for healing.” He then went on to remind me of how far I have come since my husband passed away.

God knew that I was still struggling with the breakup of this last relationship I was in. He told me, “If you were able to get through that (my husband’s passing) then can get through anything.” In other words, if I have been able get through the most difficult thing in my life, then there is nothing that I cannot overcome.

The same goes for you. If you have been through something so traumatic, so painful and have been able to get through, then there is nothing that you cannot overcome. He is your strength in times of trouble. 

‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.’

Psalms 46:1

 

Nothing Is Normal

Going back to the part above, talking about beginning again.

This whole time, after my husband’s passing I wasted time trying to get back to “normal” and wanting things to back to normal. I struggled to get into the flow of this new life before me ,because I was trying to hold on to the past; the good things.

In this season, I have been learning that it’s really ok to move on. It’s ok to starting living this new life I have been given. Day by day I am learning how to begin again and enjoy it. Whatever that may look like for you, whether you’re a widow, orphan, whatever circumstance you’re in, YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.

The hardest past about all of this; widowhood, miscarriage… is seeing it as a blessing and a fresh start. How??? By truly believing that God is a good God and that He has a plan for every single thing we go through, it’s also truly believing that it’s all been His will. 

That is what has gotten me through all of this. 

Every time I felt God to be unjust in all that He has allowed to happen in my life, this verse was always brought before me in so many different ways.

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘

Jeremiah 29:11

Close friends/family would send it to me because it was on their heart, or I would hear it somewhere or I would be shopping and see it on a notebook. It was God whispering it into my heart, to remind me that His plans for me were NOT to harm me, but to prosper me. It was His way of reminding me that if I had gotten everything I wanted or believed for, it wouldn’t have been such a blessing.

We ask for what we think we need, but in God not granting that request it is Him protecting us and saving us for something so much better.

Yes, my husband is gone, but I still believe God has someone greater for me.

Yes, my baby is now in heaven, but I believe that God will bless me and future husband with a beautiful family.

Everything has it’s timing.

You want to know the honest truth and the reason I have been able to move forward and no longer feel guilty?

God told me:  my husband was only meant to be in my life for a season. He was used to help me grow in the things of God, bring healing and restoration to my life. My husband’s purpose on earth had also been done and it was time to go home for a greater purpose.

When that revelation came into my heart, it set me free. It helped me understand that it is ok to keep living my life.

It’s ok to keep living yours as well. ❤

The love my husband and I had for each other, will never fade from my heart. He will always have his place in my life. Nothing or no one will be able to take that away. I know I will just learn how to put that aside, the day God brings the right one into my life.

In the mean time I am still learning how to “drive” this new life, this new me. I am happy with it just being me and Him. 

I am in a very good place, emotionally.

I Don’t Want To Be.

I don’t know where to begin. Words have gone and all I have are thoughts; thoughts that silence me, no words to flow from my lips. I plot in my own mind how I will react to the next one, my heart just hardens. This person, I don’t want to be. This person, is no longer me, yet I am being pushed to it. I think I am getting stronger. Capable to endure whatever comes my way: words, actions… but in reality I am just shutting down and becoming numb.

Emotionally drained; I cant do it anymore. The cares to give are starting to become no more.

I Am Not Myself

I see myself in him. I see how I was and I don’t like it. All that is being reminded to me is; we reap what we sow.

The one person that truly cared about me, I made so many mistakes with. I see it clearly now. My heart hurts and I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could ask my husband for forgiveness. I wish I can have a do-over.

I hate the person I am seeing; in myself. I hate the person who I am not… I have to fight to keep my feelings from being hurt. I have to fight to keep myself up. I fight to protect myself… something I no longer had to do. I feel like as soon as my husband died, I reverted to that guarded girl. That girl no one was going to hurt… someone I don’t want to be; emotionless.

I am guarded and I hate it.

So many things cause a person to change who they are; into who they used to be or who they never were.

I feel myself fighting to NOT become who I used to be; this cold and careless person. A person with a hard heart and not caring about anything; a fiery cannon of a mouth. That’s not who I am anymore.

Lately specific things and circumstances have caused me to lash out and be on the defense when all I really desire is to feel safe. There is no safe place there, yet… I shouldn’t have to wait for one to be, in order for me to remain who I truly am.

 

I am not alone. God is with me. 

I am not who they say I am or how I think of myself. God loves me. 

I shouldn’t be afraid of winding up alone. God will never leave me or forsake me. 

 

Therefore nothing or no one should make me feel a way that I don’t want to feel.

I want to care.

When I think about my husband, I remember how he would always call out the best in me. I remember how he would always remind me of who I truly am. I remember how he just loved me even when I was wrong. I remember his patience for me and how much it helped me.

There are times I can just hear his voice; him telling me things to encourage me. That’s what has kept me going on those days I feel SO ENADEQUATE due to words and actions.

 

I AM NOT HOW OTHERS TREAT ME.

I AM NOT WHAT OTHERS THINK OR SAY.

 

How I have seen myself lately, has been through eyes of not being good enough and through the eyes of comparison. It has distorted my identity and has really shaken my confidence. It’s like I am being made to feel small, but God says I am seated in Heavenly places.

My heart… is the wellspring of life. It’s also something I have been fighting to protect. When this whole time, I could have just allowed God to protect it. I am the prodigal “daughter”… I have run away. I desire to return; into the Father’s arms, in my rightful place. 

 

My Prayer

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A man should always protect the delicate heart of a woman, ALWAYS.

All A Blur

My emotions fade away like a gush of wind, here one second and gone the next. Days have been a blur and my mind has been in a slumber. I finally come to, all I am reminded of is, what I no longer have. Nothing is like it was… nothing feels familiar anymore. I have stepped into new territory and honestly it scares me. I am afraid. I am no longer sheltered the way I once was. I find myself doing things I never imagined…  I still ask why. I still often wonder what the good of all this will be. I am still waiting.

I Am Not The Same Person

I cannot say this enough, I am not who I once was. Whether I like it or not, my life has taken on a huge blow… and it has changed the course of things. A sure path I once believed was the one I would be on for the rest of my life, no longer exists.

A new path was placed before me.. and I began to walk. Along the way I have encountered things and have done things I never thought I would do.

Most of them good and some… the acts of the flesh, but none regretted. I am finding who I am, though I know a few don’t agree with it. God loves me anyway.

I can feel the prayers of those who think I am in the wrong and who are scared for me. I feel the hypocrisy… I hate it. 

“I feel like screaming such things. Yes, it’s only been five months since my husband died… what? Did you want to see me depressed and miserable, still?”

There is no time limit for grieving. People move on faster than others; I still have my days. To say that I don’t would be a lie.

He Knows

Now a days, God seems to be the only one who I can truly talk to.. the very reason I have not felt alone. He knows what I have done; I tell him as if He didn’t know. I am honest and I haven’t hid a thing from Him. I know for a fact that He will never throw what I tell Him back in my face… and I know He isn’t condemning me.

“I have given God so many reasons not to love me, but none of them have changed His mind.”

These past few days I have been carrying a lot inside. I finally let it out. People haven’t spoken to me since they found something out. I feel people judging me and I feel people are not in agreement with the changes I have been making in my life.

All I can say is, you’re not me and don’t know what I am going through. You don’t know my heart. Unless you’ve walked in my shoes, you have no idea what it’s like. I really am doing my best. I am just not going to be what you expect of me. I am going to be who I need to be.

I Am Scared

I am scared!! I am scared to embrace what is right in front of me because I continue to look back and all I see is his face. I know others are still holding on to my husband. I know it’s gonna take time, but I want to move on already.

When is the right time?

I compare the what was to what is now and there are many differences, but I don’t want to back away. The uncertainty of it draws me in. I have fallen in love with the changes and the differences. It’s changing me and helping me to accept things I never thought I would… I truly believe it is helping me be a better person.

To accept what others may reject, is what is in my heart. To be there for someone who someone might have rejected, is what is in my heart. That’s where I am at right now. Let me.

It’s been proving to be a blessing, to know that nothing is a coincidence. 

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Truest Friend

I woke up today; still missing a part of me. There is a yearning in my heart to see him, to speak with him. I feel him around, as though You are trying to comfort me, but it only makes me miss him so much more. How does one move forward? How much time should pass? When is it too much or too little time? In my alone time with You, I cried out. With tears in my eyes and a heart full of pain; I confessed. I do not understand. In the not understanding it hurts. I trust You; my heart cried out. All I could say was, “You know the plans You have for me…” Immediately my heart trusts you. You are getting me through the most difficult time of my life, there is nothing You will not see me through. I believe You.

Memories

When I go back to the place where we met; immediately memories flood my heart. I can still see him there. His smile is unforgettable; his character contagious. Alone in the Your house I was surrounded by him; the memories of him. That was his place; the stage. He was your worshipper. 

I stood around the piano; I could still see him playing. I could hear him singing. Every part of Your house reminds me of him. The thought of now entering a new year without him, still stings! 

I felt a desire to go; You were calling me. 

You showed me so many things; reminded me of so many things. You do not let me forget the kind of person he was. I want to be like him. I want to have the heart he had for you. 

Letting Go

For the whole month of December I have been battling depression and so many other things, due to the thought of entering a new year literally without my husband.

I had found myself holding on to what has already happened and still the memories I had with him in 2018, when he was still here. In my heart I felt guilty stepping into something new and moving on, as though it meant I was about to forget my husband and everything we shared.

I sat alone in the church and I had this vision of myself. It was me there with one hand holding tightly to the past and the other hand outstretched towards what’s ahead. I was stuck in the middle; one foot in and the other one out.

I sat there; the exact same way. My left hand was clenched and my right was open. I cried… I prayed. I confessed and declared that me letting go of the past and what has already happened didn’t mean I was going to forget my husband or the memories, it meant that I was going to let go of all the bad; the hinderances. As I was praying and opening my heart to God I could feel my grip loosening up. He was there helping me let go; helping me let go of the hurt, the pain and every hinderance in my life.

I wasn’t alone. 

If I am being honest, I am scared. I don’t know why all this is happening. I don’t know what is going to come out of all this. I don’t understand and I made that known to God. I yelled it out, then I quickly realized it was the cause of all that I have been feeling. Once I expressed it, a wave of peace and calm came over me.

A weight was lifted from my shoulders. I trust God. I believe that He knows the plans He has for me and for all this that He has allowed to unfold. God isn’t a liar; nor does He rejoice in seeing His children suffer; hence my husband now being Home and well. 

The thought of “letting go,” well… it’s always been hard. I have always been the one to try to hold to things as long as I could because I never knew when it would come again. In this case, I am still longing for my husband, still trying to hold on to him because I think someone like that will not come again. It’s a lie.

Truest Friend

Never in my life have I met someone like my husband; someone so caring, so genuine, so loving. He accepted you as you were, without judgement. He made you feel safe to be yourself and open up to share the hidden secrets and would let you know that it was ok.

I remember when he and I first met; I felt that immediate connection with him, I was able to open up to him. Our sense of humors linked together… there was never a dull moment. That’s what I miss so much!

The feeling of being safe around him, I will never forget. I remember sharing with him a poem, that I never shared with anyone else. I just felt comfortable with him. Not once did I feel judged… if anything he showed me God’s love that much more. He accepted me how I was. I was broken when I met him. I was lost, I was confused and I definitely didn’t see the worth that he had seen in me.

Our friendship grew… never in my life was I my true self, the way I was with him, and him with me. Our friendship was our foundation. I know it was because of our friendship in God that we were able to overcome so many things we went through, thought it was hard.

He loved me like no one ever had. He saw the best in me that no one ever had. He encouraged me and made me feel like I was capable of anything, things I never thought I could do. I am doing a lot of those things. I know he would be so proud of me.

The hurt part of me thinks that I will not have another person like that in my life again. That’s where the loneliness comes in and I begin to feel his absence that much more. But I have to remember that God is the God of restoration. He returns to you 100 fold what the enemy has taken from you. I am learning to trust His timing. 

Change Me

In this season of waiting, I am learning to be new. What has taken me years to let go of, I am beginning to see the kind of woman I was always meant to be. This journey of purity and pruning has been difficult, but I have opened my heart and surrendered everything that has always been a disturbance to my walk with God.

Some may think it’s too soon, or crazy, but I have already begun praying for my future husband. I have made known to God what I desire in a man, but at the same time, God made me see something. He said this, “You desire a man like that, then you must first allow me to change you and heal you so you can be the woman that he is desiring.” 

It makes sense; how can we desire something, without first making changes to our life? In doing so we are setting ourselves up for blessings. We cannot be given something good, when our hearts/lives are still a mess… we would not be able to appreciate it the way we should, and the bad cycle would happen all over.

God wants to break habits and change us, not because He is controlling, but because He wants the absolute best for our life. We are not the wisest when it comes to making decisions for our life. If we are truly honest, we get ourselves in more trouble than we ought, because we “think” it’s best for us. We find ourselves in relationships that only leave us broken and empty because we “thought” it was right…I can go on, but you get the point. 

I don’t want to be the same. I don’t want to walk into the new year being the same me. I don’t want to take old habits into the new and think that God will do something great… I am being broken only to be put back together the way He originally designed me to be.

I am learning to be pure in my thoughts and in my way of living. I am learning what it means to truly be a woman and the beauty it really is. 

I am tapping into a side of me that I never really paid attention to. What is beginning to unravel is something beautiful. I am being made new.

 

My Heart’s Prayer

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.-Psalm 139:23-24

 

Change me. Transform me. Make me like You. 

 

Not The Same

Not The Same

As the days have drawn near to Christmas, my emotions have been like a rollercoaster. I have felt the ups and definitely the downs. Today was just not the same.

My day started with going to service. Today was actually the Christmas service; although it was a great one and I saw a friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time & my heart was filled with so much joy when I saw him, but it was just not the same.

I am not the only one who felt my husband’s absence. I am not the only one who knew it wasn’t the same.

To top it off it was my mother in-laws birthday today.

Looking at her face while a little boy was playing his violin in front of the congregation, I knew we were both feeling the exact same thing. We were missing him. I just kept thinking about her and what she must have been feeling; her son no longer here and it being the first birthday that she was not greeted by him.

With tears running down my face, I write this blog.

No one knows the emptiness we carry in our hearts… one that only God can fill.

I Know The Plans…

When I look back at all this and begin to doubt or not understand, all I hear is; “I know the plans I have for you.” I hear it in my heart. I hear it in a preaching… I just hear it over and over; like today.

Slowly I am starting to see it. I am starting to understand things after having confronted them. I have had to stare my husband’s death in the face and allow God to heal me. I had to relive those painful memories over and over until they no longer tormented me.

The other day I had to relive that painful moment where I was texting everybody to let them know that; “Freddy just passed away.” I remembered and felt how I did that very moment. I just started crying and immediately tried to think of something else, but I couldn’t. I had to replay that over and over until it no longer hurt me.

That’s what I mean when I say I have had to confront a lot of things…

From my experience, it is necessary to relive such things in order for healing to come into your life. We make the mistake of thinking that it’s not necessary. Some people can’t handle it and choose to bury it deep down inside, not realizing that it’s causing them harm. To not confront something head on, is to leave a door open for something to get worse. Nothing ever gets better by avoiding the problem. 

There were so many things I was running away from. I was running away from all this pain, instead of allowing God help me through it. I was becoming like the Prodigal Son. I ran away from home to do what I thought was best for me:

Hanging out with new people. Going to a new church. Doing things that I normally didn’t do… and so on. It was a lie trying to keep me from dealing with the real problem inside.

Me running away only lasted so long until I felt God tell me to “come” back home. (My home church.) I had been visiting another church after thinking it was what I was led to do. I was wrong.

Slowly depression was creeping in. It was on a Monday; during prayer at my home church that I felt God tell me this:

“The only way you are going to win this battle is under your covering.”-God

I knew exactly what He meant. The week before I had been feeling so drained and so unprotected against everything I was going through. I was feeling so alone I was becoming vulnerable and spiritually weak. After prayer I left feeling covered; protected by God.

I no longer felt alone, but that I was in my right place. I was with the right, “army,” for this battle. 

I have been noticing a complete change in my life; my attitude and mentality. I am maturing; I am growing. I have surrendered everything to God and have been allowing Him into my life, to be that friend I am longing for; that friend I lost when my husband passed away.

For someone to hold on to this promise: “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future…” requires so much faith. It’s like I have jumped off the cliff with the assurance that He will catch me. And He has been. 

The Ultimate Promise

I have made God so many promises and not kept most of them; but this one I have even though it’s been so hard!!! Since day one of my walk with Him, I promised God over and over that:

No matter what I faced or no matter what came against me; I wouldn’t give up or let go. That I was willing to go through whatever it took to be where He wanted me to be and have all that He had planned for me.

It has not been easy and He knows there have been times I wanted to walk away.. but it was because of my relationship with my husband that kept me there.

No matter what I have faced or will face, I know I am the house that has been built on the Rock and not the sand.

Therefore these storms that have been coming at my life… cannot knock me down.

He is with me; I will not fall.