The Bad, The Good & The Beauty.

I have seen my life take on a transformation. One I did not expect to happen the way it did. My life, caught under a violent wave; being tossed and pulled under; pulled under by anxiety- coming up, gasping for air the wave of pain, sadness and loneliness only pulled me back down. I began to believe that I would not come out of it. I was in the deep end, with no help in sight. I had to learn to swim. For it was either sink or fight to stay afloat.

My feet, finally on solid ground. Though days are harder than some, I am walking along still waters. The woman I am becoming, who is this? I do not recognize. She is free. She is strong. She is confident. She is brand new. The look in her eyes is like none I have seen before. The radiance in her smile, I can’t remember the last time I saw it.

The bad, the good and the beauty of it all- is the pressure that is forming this diamond of a woman.  

Widowhood

The poem above is a truthful aspect of widowhood. Especially when it happens all of a sudden, without a warning; without having the time to actually say, “goodbye.”

This was/is my journey. I remember feeling as though I was suffocating with panic, anxiety and so much fear.

As of July 21st, I have been reminded of the journey that would change my life forever.

The night my husband entered the hospital and never came home. August is quickly approaching and I feel those waves trying to overtake me again. I am being reminded of every feeling and every detail of those moments; every day up until August 31, when my husband took his final breath and went HOME.

I look back from where I am now, I am not the same woman. I look at myself in the mirror and see a much stronger woman. I see a much more confident woman. I see a woman who was once broken, now being made whole. I can see maturity; for I no longer have that little girl mentality. July 28, 2019

I look at this picure of myself and I see a woman with a strong and powerful story to tell. I see a woman eager to reach so many other women who find themselves on this same journey. A woman who desperately wants to embrace the brokenhearted and tell them that everything is going to be ok; that God truly loves them.

For what God has done for me through this season of widowhood, He can and will do for those who place their hope in Him. 

You’re not alone, love.

What you’re feeling; anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness is temporary. You will get through it. That’s a promise. 

 

Emotional-I

To say that I have it all together and I no longer cry or miss my husband would be a lie. I have cried two days in a row, just missing my husband. I wore his button up shirt last night, I even sprayed some of his cologne. Tears fell from my eyes and I didn’t understand why. I cried out for him…

I sat on my bed and played some of his favorite worship music. In that moment I felt him near me. I felt peace and I felt rest.

I often wonder when this sting, this pain will fade. I have not gotten an answer. There is no such time frame for one’s grief. For me, it comes in waves. I have not had one of these breakdowns in weeks. When it comes it hits me so hard.

Moving On

With this, I still struggle. I take a few steps forward only to look back and realize I am doing it without him. Guilt settles in and I just want to stop and drop to the ground.

“We were supposed to walk this road together!” My emotions continue to cry out. I know that this journey ahead, I was meant to walk alone, with God. For what lies ahead, is far more great that what I had to let go of and what I have lost; the life I once knew.

Honesty

Lately I have felt numb; numb in a sense of not knowing what to feel, what to think or what to say…or write. I remember how I was always inspired to write and share what was on my heart… lately it hasn’t been that way. I can easily make excuses and blame on me not having no time, but that would be a lie.

It’s just a mood I have been in. Like just allowing the motions to play out.

Widowhood changes everything. It changes who you are. It changes your routine. It changes your whole being and ways of doing things. It changes the course of your life.

I am making sure that it leads me to something greater; with purpose.

 

I feel alone a lot, because of not having my husband here with me, but I know I am not literally alone. 

I miss having a companion to do things with and share things with, but I know that I have others to enjoy the company of and talk to. 

I miss the hugs and comfort of my love, but I know I still have that from my family and friends. 

It’s been all about learning how to change my perspective on things like that. It’s the difference between sinking and swimming. What has helped so much, is letting people in and being there for me through it all. Especially during those moments when I felt like I was drowning in anxiety and loneliness.

There are some battles you cannot defeat alone, widowhood is one of them. -Stephanie

Without the struggles, without the pain…I wouldn’t be who I am becoming. It has all been necessary.

 


Image result for While i wait


While I Wait…

I will continue to seek Him.

I will continue to allow Him to form me and remold me into the companion my future husband is needing, while God is doing the same in them, for me.

I will continue to go were He leads and do what I am meant to do.

For this season of widowhood is a freedom in disguise, to fulfill the purpose still meant for my life. It’s an opportunity to walk closely to Him and intimatley connect with His heart. It’s a beautiful journey. 

 

A Word of Advice

Image result for encouragement for widows

Your feelings are valid. In no way am I belittling any other kind of loss, but to lose a spouse is different than losing another kind of loved one. (I lost my mom; I have also lost an aunt that same year.) I am no stranger to loss. But losing my husband has been the HARDEST.

Today I found myself thinking of those times when people would belittle my grief, as it wasn’t necessary or that after awhile there was no need to, just because I knew my husband was in a better place.

This came from someone who has not known the loss of a spouse, but only of a child.

A loss of a spouse is like someone tearing a part of you away. It’s a deeper kind of pain that we feel. You’re entitled to your grief and the motions of it. People will not understand what it’s like to walk in your/my shoes as a widow, unless they, themselves have gone through it.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to feel what you need to feel, but all I ask is that you don’t stay there.

You can overcome. You can begin again. 

 


Isaiah 54:4-5

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
    Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
    and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;
    the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
    the God of all the earth

 

Never Abandoned

Where to begin. What to write. The days have seemed so long, my heart grows impatient at the thought of what I cannot have right now. My heart is still being mended; the pieces are slowly being swept up from the floor. The world I had known, shattered at the blink of an eye. I find myself struggling to hold on, but nonetheless, alone I have not been. I look around me and I begin to panic, he isn’t here right now, his voice I don’t hear… his embrace I cannot have for awhile longer. What I feel inside, just wants to break free, but nothing good will come of it. I am hurting. I am his wife, he is my husband. What I am feeling, no one else understands. For what was one, is currently broken in two.

Feeling Alone

It’s been almost four weeks since everything happened. Read: Confia En Mi (Trust In Me)

As a wife, in all honesty it hurts. I am in pain. Each passing day I am getting stronger and learning how to fight this battle without my husband. (In every other storm in my life, he was always there…) There are days where all I can do is cry. There are days where I am feeling so strong, and there are also days where I feel so anxious and the thought of not being able to see him, touch him or speak with him causes me to feel so desperate. Today was just one of those days. Not being able to see the changes I am longing for when I wanted to, is what has been difficult for me. 

I found myself really missing my husband’s company, his touch and his voice; his smile and laugh especially. I know he isn’t here, but sometimes it feels like I “snap back into reality” and it hits me that he isn’t home, yet. It hurts me. I know God is breaking me from dependency on my husband and teaching me to fully depend on Him. I am still human, and it still hurts.

In the natural, there hasn’t been much change with my husband’s condition, if anything, all the updates up until recently have been nothing but negative, to the point where certain doctors had given up on him. I remember being in the cafeteria with my dad, last week and just crying. I felt so hurt and so sad at how the doctors were saying that there wasn’t anything else they could do and how they basically were expecting him to die. 

By the grace of God my husband is still alive, after the doctors saying that he only had, “one to two days of life left.” God will always have the final word. I rather believe God, than people.

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by a family of Faith; people who are with me in praying and declaring life in my husband. The very people who are believing with me for a miracle. In that area, God has reminded me time and time again that I am not alone and I am not fighting this battle alone. I can finally rest.

I am especially thankful for both my mom (mother in-law) and my dad.

What We Cannot See

Though these days have been the hardest of my life, they have also been the most strengthening ones as well. I have been learning how to fully trust in God’s word and not on what I see or hear from other people.

The enemy has worked so hard through the doctors to try to get me to pull the plug on my husband, saying that there was nothing else that could be done, followed by the “urgency” they had to talk to me about my husband donating his organs. It was in that conversation that had both me and my mother in-law second guessing their intentions. (We knew it wasn’t them, but the enemy.)

It was in that very meeting where we were told the “expected” life span on my husband. We didn’t receive what they said. I told them I wasn’t going to give them the ok for them to take my husband’s organs. (That was when we felt that group of doctors just give up like it was their final attempt to convince me that there was no hope for my husband.)

This is only a small portion of what I had to endure and what I have had to listen to from them. No hope. Attempts to discredit my belief in God and what we believe He can and will do. All trying to sway me into giving up hope on my husband. I have not and will not give upon him. I have made that VERY CLEAR, more than once. We all are not giving up, even if some of the doctors already have. If I wasn’t fighting for my marriage then, I am FIGHTING FOR IT NOW.

God still has him alive. He’s sustained him this long. I know something amazing is about to happen. (When man says there is no way, God makes a way… and we are already seeing that happen.) Complete restoration in his body.

I used to be afraid of sharing such HOPE because I wanted to wait for it to happen first…thinking that if I did before it happened, it wouldn’t come to pass…but God has set me free from that. He’s reminded me that as children of God, we have the power to speak into existence what we are needing. That’s called faith-seeing something that is not, as though it was. I don’t need to see in order to believe.  I am not afraid anymore. I trust Him.-Stephanie

Never Abandoned

Going back to that day at the hospital. It was such a heavy and sad atmosphere at the hospital, in my husbands room. I felt so down and so anxious. It wasn’t until I was sitting with my dad, having lunch, that it hit me. I was starting to feel the negativity that was lingering around there. I broke down, but then remembered God’s promise:

Image result for deuteronomy 31 6

I began to cry and just thank God. I was thanking Him because people may leave or abandon us, but He never will. In our darkest hour, He is still there with us. It brought me so much comfort. In that moment, God spoke into my heart and told me: “I am with him. He is not alone. He is in my hands.” I had to truly, truly trust Him in this. To this day, I have seen his faithfulness. ❤

That day, my heart was heavy for my husband. I was in pain. That same night, or a day later I began to feel free and see more of God at work, when I recognized that even in all of this, my husband isn’t a victim…he is a SON OF GOD.

Since then things have been looking up. A new group of doctors working with my husband have been keeping in touch with me and keeping me updated with things. It’s just a different vibe. (We have been praying for the right doctors/people around my husband.) God is so good. 

Everything is in his timing, not mine. Though I would love for things to change at the snap of my fingers, I am not God and do not know what’s best. Only He does.

He is the orchestrator. Everything flows perfectly and beautifully when He is given His place in our life and circumstance.  

Spiritual Warfare

This has definitely been a season of brokenness, pruning, remolding and humility. I have had to let go of certain things. I have had to surrender a lot of things at the cross. I have had to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. I have had no choice, but to trust Him completely; with my life, especially with my husbands life.

It has been a life changing experience, for sure.

What I am most proud of is being able to stand up to the enemy. Standing face to face with him in all of this and reminding him who I am and whos I am. Though I have been knocked down, it has only made me stronger in Him and who I am. I’ve stood my ground and not backed down and because of that I have been able to see the support from my, FATHER.

I am not a victim. I am not a “aww poor” wife. I am not a damsel in distress. I AM A DAUGTHER OF GOD. A fighter; A Warrior.

The hardest thing at the beginning of all this, has been, in all honesty…having faith; being able to see past what is right in front of me. I thought I had so much “faith.” I was so wrong. I thought I was strong, but I was wrong. I thought so much of myself as a “spiritual” person… but I was wrong.

We really don’t know how strong our faith is, until it comes time to fully put it to work.  It takes the hardest storms to show us who we really are.-Stephanie

My way of thinking and my own understanding had to take on a “renovation.” I am just now getting it. I am now able to see beyond the natural, and truly believing what God has already said in His word and because of that I am learning how to fight the right way.

 

Image result for ephesians 6 12

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.-Ephesians 6:12

This current battle, I have learned to fight on my knees and with a humble heart. It’s been through prayer, fasting and seeking God that I have been able to overcome the attacks and the sudden blows. It’s been because of all that, that I have been able to lift my arms in praise to Him and how I have been able to steadily stand on the ROCK. I am not longer easily shaken and because of who I know I am in Christ, I have become a not-so-easy target for the enemy.

Prayer is one of our many powerful weapons we’ve been given.

 

 

SOCIAL MEDIA

Wife Youre Not Alone.jpg
For daily encouragement follow me on Instagram at: @WifeYoureNotAlone