A step to move forward; letting go of the past is required. I am at a crossroad. I look at the options ahead of me, yet I still see what I wish still existed. I am at a standstill. With all my heart I want to let go and start anew, but there is something deep down within that remains afraid of the unknown that lies ahead. I look up to You, no words are said, You know the very look my eyes carry. With my face downcast all I can say is, “I want what You have in store for me.” Help me to let go of what was, for forgetting it will not happen. A day is coming when I will no longer look back on the memories and mourn, but be thankful for the opportunity given. I hear it again and again, “This had to happen,” and immediately I am comforted. You know the plans You have for me. I know they are not to harm me, for through the eyes of hope I see Your prosperity.

Farewell

September 15th of last year, was the day we celebrated the life of my husband. It was the day I thought I would be saying, “see you later,” but it turns out I have been trying to hold on to him for as long as I could. The process to healing has taken a bit longer. I have been fighting my way through, constantly saying, “no.”

I have been wishing things were the same, only to fully ignore what God had been trying to do. It was not to hurt me, but to give me a new future. Just like His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 says. This verse has been my everything during this season of widowhood. I was reminded of a poem that I wrote:

“You Know,” came to me at night while I was in bed. I remember feeling angry and doubting God’s goodness. I doubted that He cared for me because of what He had allowed to happen. I was angry at Him because I believed that He didn’t answer my prayers. At that moment that verse came to my heart and I repeated it out loud:

‘You know the plans You have for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.’ When those words flowed through my mouth a sense of peace came over me. It was a clarity that I needed at that moment to realize that He knew what He was doing. A vail was torn and it was a confirmation that something good was going to be coming out of this. My Father manifested Himself to me at that moment.

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Fighting The Motions

These past few months have been seasons of growth and a lot of healing. They have also been moments where I have been letting go of him, little by little, but fighting God every step. I have been taking baby steps because I have been afraid of “forgetting” him and acting like he never existed. Last night I felt like the time was soon coming when I would start taking down photos of him and I. I immediately shot back, “I am not going to act like he never existed.” This only proves that I am fighting God.

I often ask myself, “why is this so hard?” I have yet to get an answer. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do. I wish it was easy for me. I wish I was able to be fully obedient to let go completely, but I haven’t.

Every step; the good, the bad and especially the ugly have been necessary for growth and healing. There was no way I would have been able to skip over the harder parts just to get to the good.

Fading Away

It’s like a movie that is playing in my head, the memories of what was are slowly fading away until everything is gone. Pictures are being removed, clothes have been taken down… the realization that that part of my life is really over. I am afraid.

I am afraid I will forget him, but I know I have to say, “I’ll see you later.” I know it’s time. For I know that this will make way for the man God has for me. The best is yet to come. God’s best for me, he is yet to come. I am a single woman walking in the ways of God. This gift of a new start, I will not take it for granted.

I want to see the Goodness of God in my life.

 

Letting Go

As I let go, I am not forgetting. What I am doing is letting go of my past. Even now memories are being shot in my mind and they hurt. The very reason I am meant to let them go. Memories of the hospital visits. Memories of what it was like to endure hospital stays and so much more, I am letting them go. I am letting go of the sadness, the lonliness and the pain. I am letting go of the ugly, to fully embrace the good that is soon to come.

It’s what is best for me.

I will always carry the good in my heart and the good examples that were made I will carry into my new relationship. The lessons learned will always be in my heart, for they have made me wiser and have helped me see what kind of woman I want to be.

I will always have that special place in my heart for Freddy. He was my first real love and husband. I could never forget that. I am letting go of my past for myself, in order to move forward and also as respect for the man God is preparing for me.

My sister in law told me something that really made me think. She said, “after this step, there is one more step you will have to take. You will have to let go of all the photos and things of Freddy when God brings that man into your life.”

At that moment, I was thinking of how hard that would be, but now, I know when that time comes God will give me the courage and the ability to do it. It will be that fresh start He has been preparing me for… I will be ready. 

It’s all one step at a time.

 

 

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I Will See You Later

My life is a movie that is playing out and a sweet mystery it’s becoming. One step at a time, things are unraveling. Stepping into this new season and this identity, many doors have been opening. I have stepped through a new door, only to finally understand that the one behind me has already been shut. I take a look back and all I see is a closed door that can no longer be open. I begin forward, ready to embrace the new He has for me.

I now say, “I’ll see you later.” It’s time.

You were my best friend and I loved you. You were the best part of my life for those eight years. You helped me know God’s love for me in the way you loved and cherished me. Your friendship helped me through difficult moments at that time. I will never forget your encouragement and the words of life you spoke over me. You always reminded me of who I was and who you knew I would be. I will always be thankful for having you in my life, Alfredo Hernandez Jr. I believe you would be proud of the woman I am today. I know without any of this, I wouldn’t be where I am. You showed me how to love unconditionally. You showed me how to cherish every moment. These are things I will carry over when God brings the One.  Thank you for being the man of God you truly were. I especially thank you for teaching me what true worship is. You always had a worshippers heart. I will never forget that.

I will see you later. I love you.

With that I say, “goodbye,” to the past.

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2010 – 2018

Dare You To Move…

A song played at his service, as if he was telling me.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

 

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