The Bad, The Good & The Beauty.

I have seen my life take on a transformation. One I did not expect to happen the way it did. My life, caught under a violent wave; being tossed and pulled under; pulled under by anxiety- coming up, gasping for air the wave of pain, sadness and loneliness only pulled me back down. I began to believe that I would not come out of it. I was in the deep end, with no help in sight. I had to learn to swim. For it was either sink or fight to stay afloat.

My feet, finally on solid ground. Though days are harder than some, I am walking along still waters. The woman I am becoming, who is this? I do not recognize. She is free. She is strong. She is confident. She is brand new. The look in her eyes is like none I have seen before. The radiance in her smile, I can’t remember the last time I saw it.

The bad, the good and the beauty of it all- is the pressure that is forming this diamond of a woman.  

Widowhood

The poem above is a truthful aspect of widowhood. Especially when it happens all of a sudden, without a warning; without having the time to actually say, “goodbye.”

This was/is my journey. I remember feeling as though I was suffocating with panic, anxiety and so much fear.

As of July 21st, I have been reminded of the journey that would change my life forever.

The night my husband entered the hospital and never came home. August is quickly approaching and I feel those waves trying to overtake me again. I am being reminded of every feeling and every detail of those moments; every day up until August 31, when my husband took his final breath and went HOME.

I look back from where I am now, I am not the same woman. I look at myself in the mirror and see a much stronger woman. I see a much more confident woman. I see a woman who was once broken, now being made whole. I can see maturity; for I no longer have that little girl mentality. July 28, 2019

I look at this picure of myself and I see a woman with a strong and powerful story to tell. I see a woman eager to reach so many other women who find themselves on this same journey. A woman who desperately wants to embrace the brokenhearted and tell them that everything is going to be ok; that God truly loves them.

For what God has done for me through this season of widowhood, He can and will do for those who place their hope in Him. 

You’re not alone, love.

What you’re feeling; anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness is temporary. You will get through it. That’s a promise. 

 

Emotional-I

To say that I have it all together and I no longer cry or miss my husband would be a lie. I have cried two days in a row, just missing my husband. I wore his button up shirt last night, I even sprayed some of his cologne. Tears fell from my eyes and I didn’t understand why. I cried out for him…

I sat on my bed and played some of his favorite worship music. In that moment I felt him near me. I felt peace and I felt rest.

I often wonder when this sting, this pain will fade. I have not gotten an answer. There is no such time frame for one’s grief. For me, it comes in waves. I have not had one of these breakdowns in weeks. When it comes it hits me so hard.

Moving On

With this, I still struggle. I take a few steps forward only to look back and realize I am doing it without him. Guilt settles in and I just want to stop and drop to the ground.

“We were supposed to walk this road together!” My emotions continue to cry out. I know that this journey ahead, I was meant to walk alone, with God. For what lies ahead, is far more great that what I had to let go of and what I have lost; the life I once knew.

Honesty

Lately I have felt numb; numb in a sense of not knowing what to feel, what to think or what to say…or write. I remember how I was always inspired to write and share what was on my heart… lately it hasn’t been that way. I can easily make excuses and blame on me not having no time, but that would be a lie.

It’s just a mood I have been in. Like just allowing the motions to play out.

Widowhood changes everything. It changes who you are. It changes your routine. It changes your whole being and ways of doing things. It changes the course of your life.

I am making sure that it leads me to something greater; with purpose.

 

I feel alone a lot, because of not having my husband here with me, but I know I am not literally alone. 

I miss having a companion to do things with and share things with, but I know that I have others to enjoy the company of and talk to. 

I miss the hugs and comfort of my love, but I know I still have that from my family and friends. 

It’s been all about learning how to change my perspective on things like that. It’s the difference between sinking and swimming. What has helped so much, is letting people in and being there for me through it all. Especially during those moments when I felt like I was drowning in anxiety and loneliness.

There are some battles you cannot defeat alone, widowhood is one of them. -Stephanie

Without the struggles, without the pain…I wouldn’t be who I am becoming. It has all been necessary.

 


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While I Wait…

I will continue to seek Him.

I will continue to allow Him to form me and remold me into the companion my future husband is needing, while God is doing the same in them, for me.

I will continue to go were He leads and do what I am meant to do.

For this season of widowhood is a freedom in disguise, to fulfill the purpose still meant for my life. It’s an opportunity to walk closely to Him and intimatley connect with His heart. It’s a beautiful journey. 

 

A Word of Advice

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Your feelings are valid. In no way am I belittling any other kind of loss, but to lose a spouse is different than losing another kind of loved one. (I lost my mom; I have also lost an aunt that same year.) I am no stranger to loss. But losing my husband has been the HARDEST.

Today I found myself thinking of those times when people would belittle my grief, as it wasn’t necessary or that after awhile there was no need to, just because I knew my husband was in a better place.

This came from someone who has not known the loss of a spouse, but only of a child.

A loss of a spouse is like someone tearing a part of you away. It’s a deeper kind of pain that we feel. You’re entitled to your grief and the motions of it. People will not understand what it’s like to walk in your/my shoes as a widow, unless they, themselves have gone through it.

It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to feel what you need to feel, but all I ask is that you don’t stay there.

You can overcome. You can begin again. 

 


Isaiah 54:4-5

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
    Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
    and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;
    the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
    the God of all the earth

 

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