My emotions fade away like a gush of wind, here one second and gone the next. Days have been a blur and my mind has been in a slumber. I finally come to, all I am reminded of is, what I no longer have. Nothing is like it was… nothing feels familiar anymore. I have stepped into new territory and honestly it scares me. I am afraid. I am no longer sheltered the way I once was. I find myself doing things I never imagined… I still ask why. I still often wonder what the good of all this will be. I am still waiting.
I Am Not The Same Person
I cannot say this enough, I am not who I once was. Whether I like it or not, my life has taken on a huge blow… and it has changed the course of things. A sure path I once believed was the one I would be on for the rest of my life, no longer exists.
A new path was placed before me.. and I began to walk. Along the way I have encountered things and have done things I never thought I would do.
Most of them good and some… the acts of the flesh, but none regretted. I am finding who I am, though I know a few don’t agree with it. God loves me anyway.
I can feel the prayers of those who think I am in the wrong and who are scared for me. I feel the hypocrisy… I hate it.
“I feel like screaming such things. Yes, it’s only been five months since my husband died… what? Did you want to see me depressed and miserable, still?”
There is no time limit for grieving. People move on faster than others; I still have my days. To say that I don’t would be a lie.
Now a days, God seems to be the only one who I can truly talk to.. the very reason I have not felt alone. He knows what I have done; I tell him as if He didn’t know. I am honest and I haven’t hid a thing from Him. I know for a fact that He will never throw what I tell Him back in my face… and I know He isn’t condemning me.
“I have given God so many reasons not to love me, but none of them have changed His mind.”
These past few days I have been carrying a lot inside. I finally let it out. People haven’t spoken to me since they found something out. I feel people judging me and I feel people are not in agreement with the changes I have been making in my life.
All I can say is, you’re not me and don’t know what I am going through. You don’t know my heart. Unless you’ve walked in my shoes, you have no idea what it’s like. I really am doing my best. I am just not going to be what you expect of me. I am going to be who I need to be.
I Am Scared
I am scared!! I am scared to embrace what is right in front of me because I continue to look back and all I see is his face. I know others are still holding on to my husband. I know it’s gonna take time, but I want to move on already.
When is the right time?
I compare the what was to what is now and there are many differences, but I don’t want to back away. The uncertainty of it draws me in. I have fallen in love with the changes and the differences. It’s changing me and helping me to accept things I never thought I would… I truly believe it is helping me be a better person.
To accept what others may reject, is what is in my heart. To be there for someone who someone might have rejected, is what is in my heart. That’s where I am at right now. Let me.
It’s been proving to be a blessing, to know that nothing is a coincidence.