The holidays have arrived, I don’t think I was ready like I assumed I was. The week came and sadness grew. All I wanted was to have my love here again. With sadness in my heart; depression tried to make it’s way in. The power of God within me, immediately the door shut. I grew strong, I was able to stand. Thankful I became, for God has always been…
The Week of Thanksgiving
Of course, the week didn’t start off well. Monday came and I didn’t want to get out of bed for work. There was something going on inside of me; a battle. I was becoming sad and depression tried to come in. I was becoming very unhappy about the holidays. All I wanted was my husband back.
The thought of my first one without him in seven years, it was hard. Immediately I was thinking of not doing anything. I just wanted to stay home. I wanted to revert and be alone. I wanted to just sulk and be miserable; without anybody seeing me…
On days when I miss my husband so much, I feel him. There are times I feel that he is going to walk through the door or that I am going to hear him tell me something I need to hear. I still feel him so close; and that’s what’s hard… knowing that he isn’t.
Always Something To Be Thankful For
To be honest, at the beginning of the week it became kind of hard to see the what I was truly thankful for. My emotions were all over the place and the last thing I felt was thankful. I couldn’t see the good because I was starting to focus of the who was missing from my life, now.
God always has a way to open our eyes and cause us to see what we cannot see on our own. When we believe that there is no way, He makes a way; for whatever circumstance it may be.
After a rough few days during the week; Thursday came… (post from my Instagram.)
“Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name.
-Psalms 100: 4
In the most difficult seasons there is always something to be thankful for.
“Today I am thankful. Though there is sadness in my heart; I can smile and say, ‘Thank You, God.’ I say thank you because for the last seven years I was blessed with having my love with me during the holidays. Today marks the first Thanksgiving without him. I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am thankful because though he isn’t here anymore, God and my family/friends are. I honestly wondered how I would feel today and in all honesty, I’m ok. There are certain things that I am going to stay away from because they just remind me so much of babe. Earlier this week I broke down and the thought of everybody else moving on while I’m still here grieving. I told myself that I was going to stay home and do nothing…I didn’t feel like celebrating at the time. I woke up feeling the same way, but I told God how much I needed Him and I asked for His help. He answered. I am thankful for everyone in my life and who has made the effort. Words cannot express the gratitude and how much it’s helped me in this season. There is just so much to be thankful for, especially when you can’t feel or see it. I am thankful that my husband is home and happy! I am thankful to have my dad here another year. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful.”
“There are no words that can express the longing in my heart to have you here with me. I miss you everyday and I often wish I could hold you again. I miss your voice and the soothing words you often spoke. My heart aches, but at the same time, it rejoices. I know you’re happy. Because of that I will be too. Oh, how I love you.-Stephanie
Avoiding The Familiar
Yesterday, it being Thanksgiving I broke away from something that was familiar. I went to my sisters house rather than my mother in-laws house like I had originally planned. Deep down I felt bad for not going over to visit.
Though I felt bad, a part of me honestly felt relief. I didn’t want to be reminded that my husband was no longer here. I didn’t want to talk about him like he isn’t here anymore; though he’s not. I was a coward, honestly. Little by little I have been avoiding familiar things because I don’t want to experience the way it will make me feel. I don’t like crying knowing I cannot bring him back. I don’t like feeling heartbroken and desperate to have him back again… so I’ve tried to avoid it.
It’s so easy to stay away from things that will make us feel uncomfortable, but we can only do that for so long, until God places us in a place where we have no choice but to face those things. I have been there many times.
I Don’t Want To Be The Same
I enjoyed myself with my family. I let loose and had a drink, or two, or… I didn’t care. I was laughing, I was having fun; I was being someone that I no longer am. It felt good to be around my family and cracking jokes and making fun of the things they said and did. I had missed that.
I left feeling relaxed, but at the same time thinking about how I didn’t do that when my husband was around, so why now? I know there’s a void there that I am still trying to fill with things other than God. A void of loneliness; companionship. Lately I have been desiring another man in my life; so much so that I have been looking. I have been wondering if that man would love me as much as my husband did or would he even accept me how my husband did.
It’s been such torment.
I don’t want to be that woman who longs for men. I don’t want to be that woman who cannot be single. I don’t want to need relationships to make me feel complete.
I want God to be ENOUGH and all I need. My Confession: I am no longer afraid of being single.
For The Woman Who Struggles
I am not perfect. The mistake I make is continuing to see myself as a widow; through the eyes of paid and loss. The mistakes I make; the sins I commit open doors to lies that get me to doubt. Each day I need more and more of God and less of what my flesh desires. I need to start opening up my life to God so that I can be used.
If all I did was pretend that everything was ok and not share the ugly and the real; it would help no one. I cry. I often doubt that God is all I need; therefore having the desire for a man. I often doubt that I will have another man who loved me and accepted me like my husband did. I am scared that I won’t be able to open up they way I did with my husband… I see it now all this is because I haven’t allowed Him to fill me completely and I have not fully trusted him.
For The Widow
In the midst of what I was feeling and going through, I couldn’t help but feel for other women going through the same thing. Understanding their pain, yet knowing that there is someone who could comfort them…I was led to share this:
My prayer: Father, cover every woman who is struggling. Protect them from the lies that try to bring confusion and anger. May You, the God of all comfort, wrap them in Yours arms and fill them with a peace that surpasses all understanding. May their hearts be filled with joy in Your company and the company of loved ones. On days of celebration I pray that they are touched by Your love and reminded that they are valued and cherished by You. I pray that the days become easier and they grow stronger. I pray for blessings over them and that all things fall into place; just as it’s been done for me. I declare courage over every widow. I declare protection for their hearts and minds; that nothing will harm them.
You are protected by God and covered by the blood of Jesus. No weapon formed against you will prevail. I pray that you have the revelation of how special you are and that this is not the end, but only the beginning of something great. You are loved. In Jesus name, Amen. 🌸