It’s almost been two months since my husband passed away and there are things I still find myself hiding from because of guilt and also fear. There are days when I am so happy, filled with joy and excitement for the new things I am doing, and there are days like today when I just feel so sad; that’s when these kinds of feelings rush in.
Guilt; you’re not my friend.
I cancelled on a friend. I was scared. I felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong. I kept playing the scenario over and over in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I just wanted to hide away. I often wonder when I will be ready to be able to do those things without feeling guilty. I wonder how long it will take until I fully have the freedom to live without guilt because he isn’t here anymore.
I have been so impatient with myself and this whole grieving process. It’s so new to me. Who knew that someone who was always emotional is now having a hard time expressing her emotions and knowing that it’s ACTUALLY OK TO?
It’s like I am trying to hide behind this fake persona at times. (But I know I’m not.) There really are days when I feel so happy. I guess in “hiding” how I really feel at times helps me from falling into that victim trap and keeps me from shutting everyone and everything out. I can’t help it at times.
There are things that I am excited for, for it’s bringing my life freedom. There are things that I still fear, for it makes me feel uncomfortable. There are things that I am ready for, and things I find myself shying away from because I am just not ready… I wonder when it will be.-Stephanie
The days are getting better. I am getting stronger.
I take a good look at my life. Though so many things have change, I still find myself holding on to the past; to my husband. I find that I am ready to move forward, yet there are certain things I am not yet ready for. Something so small, yet a big deal it is to me. God knows my heart and sees it all. He is my shield.
God is my shield; my protector
When I needed You, You showed Yourself. You revealed Yourself to me in a mighty way. You reminded me that a shield You are for me. In my heart You placed this word, a true revelation it was. I was in awe; for what You revealed to me is what I needed at that very time. You amaze me; it never fails. You show up in my life, the very thing I need. I have everything in You. This is true.
I did something a little different with my blog. I just wrote without having a plan of what to write. I just let out what I had so heavy on my heart lately. You know what, it actually felt good.
I feel like I have been breaking free from patters and routines. I have been learning that my relationship with God is more than being inside four walls. I have been breaking so many barriers off my life that it is leading me to fully and fully trust that God is always with me and not just waiting inside a church building. It’s been so refreshing.
My life has been taking on some amazing changes; I like to call it renovations. I am doing things not on “script,” but things I am feeling led to do. I have been praying. I have been seeking His wisdom and guidance.
My life is NOT THE SAME, ANYMORE. I am not the same person.
To be continued…
…Breaking the cyle.