Changes are inevitable. They happen whether we want them to or not. I was one who never dealt well with change. I was always used to having things a certain way because it was my source of comfort and if anything was out of order I didn’t know how to handle it. Even more so, now. My life, shaken. My world, broken. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I now find myself purposely making little changes to things around me; removing all familiarity that my husband and I knew. I began in our bedroom…-Stephanie
Changes Bring Healing
Today, my day off I had a hard time studying. My mind all over the place. I spent time with Papa and read my devotional of the day, but I kept feeling antsy to get up and do something. I couldn’t stay still.
I had ordered curtains for the room, to divide my bathroom/closet area from the rest of the room, but when I went to order the curtains I didn’t pay any attention to the length. HA! So when they came in I was disappointed, they were too short.
This morning I kept staring at them because I knew I still wanted to do something with them, I just didn’t know what. I asked God for wisdom. I ended up using them as a backdrop for my bed. (I ended up rearranging my bedroom.) I needed to.
The way the bedroom was, is how my husband and I left it the day before we went off on our “weekend getaway…” The very weekend where he NEVER CAME BACK HOME. So, this change was helpful for me.
It was like a new start for me.
Though I have been making all these kinds of changes, I still can’t touch his things; clothes, cologne and stuff like that. I just can’t. The thought of doing so just makes me so sad. There are days I stand at the closet, stare at his clothes, touch them and just start crying. I begin to remember how he looked in them.
There have been times where I’ve laid my head on his clothes, the ones still hanging and just cried. It’s not time for me to let go.
This Wasn’t A Breakup
I have been thinking about how things used to be before I met my husband… how it was so easy for me to throw out anything that reminded me of an old boyfriend or friend that hurt me in attempts to heal and forget all the memories and feelings.
Back then it was so helpful to get rid of anything that reminded me of pain, hurt or anything that made me uncomfortable; sadness, anger, etc. I was able to just push it away and forget about it.
It’s not like that, now. I can’t do that anymore.
He wasn’t just some guy.
He was my husband. He was my best friend.
God is allowing me to go through all of this; this process to bring healing to my heart. I can’t just push it to the side and pretend that it didn’t happen or pretend that I was never married or anything like that. I can’t throw out the memories that my husband and I had. They are still apart of me and who I have become. He was a big part of my life, and the person I am today.
I am still trying to hold on to him and his things, anything that reminds me of him because it brings me comfort! It makes me feel like he is still here. There have been times where I can feel him or I can hear him talking to me and telling me everything is going to be ok.
One Step At A Time
All these changes I have been making have helped me in my healing process. It’s been just one step in front of the other. I have mentioned before that I have been learning how to walk, again. I have been learning my place as a widow and who I now am without my husband.
It’s been hard. I didn’t want to get up from where the enemy knocked me down, but I knew I needed to. I knew I had to. Each day has had a challenge of it’s own, that’s why I no longer worry about tomorrow.
I have learned to take life one day at a time, trust God with my tomorrow and be absolutely grateful that He’s allowed me to see it.
If there is one thing I have learned in ALL OF THIS it’s this: not taking life or any one for granted. Things happen in a blink of an eye and you never know if it’s your last day or someone you care about.
I Am Not Ready
I mean this in a few aspects.
I am not ready to let my husband go. You know how I know? Because I still yearn for that companionship. It may sound backwards, but it’s not. To let my husband fully go, is me looking to someone else to fill that emptiness. If that were the case then I would be the same old person I was before I met my husband and allowed Jesus into my life.
Instead I have been looking to God and his word for that wholeness. The very fact that I am still struggling to let my husband go is the very fact that I am in so much need of God and deliverance of this trauma I experienced almost two months ago.
The last place I will find that “cure,” is in another relationship.
I hold on because I am scared to let go. I don’t want anybody else, though the flesh screams and wishes there was someone else to talk to and have here with me.
I am not looking for that and I am thankful that it hasn’t found me.
Like those who are addicted to something; I was addicted to being in relationships. Back then, they were the very thing I turned to, to fill voids in my life… the only thing that God had the ability to do.
The God Who Heals