It’s Not All Roses

The steps of grieving differ from person to person. I have had good days and I have had bad days. I have felt peace, I have felt joy. Then I have felt sadness, and I have felt angry. I often wonder why this has happened. I wonder why my husband had to go. To say that I don’t feel every single emotion would be a lie. They come in spurs. They come all of a sudden; sometimes not at all. Days when it comes, I am hit hard. I cry. I throw a flesh fit and I confront God. I am in pain. I feel so alone. No one understands what I feel; if they haven’t lost a spouse, even then it’s different. I just want to run away, to a place I don’t know. I don’t want to be reminded anymore! I need to escape. I feel so trapped and I feel so isolated. Just leave me alone and keep your, “I am sorry for loss,” to yourself!

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I Am Angry (Ugly Side of Grieving)

Today was a rough day. I felt so closed off from everyone and angry that I couldn’t escape the place that is familiar. I am reminded of what I no longer have anymore and it makes me angry that it has happened this way.

Every single part of me wants to run away and avoid the memories that are being thrown in my face. I want to forget everything that has happened; yet people come up to me and say insensitive things; like leave me alone already. It already happened!

I want to lash out. I want to take what I feel out on every single person that crosses my path. I am angry at God; to say that I am not would be a lie. I cried out to Him asking Him why He took my husband only to leave me alone here. Why did He take him only to not let me leave the place where all I am is reminded of him and the pain I feel. I keep questioning Him out of the hurt and pain I still carry within.

I want to scream. I want to throw things around… I slammed the door and it made me feel better. I am human. An imperfect human. 

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Grieving

Greek: Lupeó (loo-peh-o)

  • to distress, to grieve
  • to experience deep, emotional pain (sadness), i.e. severe sorrow (grief).
  • hurt

I often look up specific words in their Greek or Hebrew meanings. I find that it adds a deeper meaning to scripture or anything that I want to understand more. Grieving; there is no wrong or right way to grieve or go through a death of a loved one. Everybody is different and the way people react is different. Feel how you need to feel, but don’t let it keep you stuck there or cause you to make wrong decisions. 

For me, it started with peace, joy and strength and all of a sudden the last few days I have felt nothing but anger, and the want to isolate and lash out. The anger and everything else I have been feeling has left me to question God. Something that I didn’t want to do.

It just hurts me more because I don’t understand why this happened. Or why I am now alone without my best friend. Or why I am now alone in the very place I met my husband and I cannot just leave and start over. It makes me angry feeling that I am trapped and cant just go.

While everybody is going on with their life, mine has been hit hard and I don’t know where to go from here or what to do!! It’s not fair. I hate it. I want to do what is best for me!! I don’t care if nobody agrees with it. They aren’t the ones feeling what I feel. (All I can do is cry out tears of frustration, pain and sadness, because I know that running away wouldn’t solve anything.

The enemy is trying so hard to knock me down and get me to walk away from God and what I am meant to do. I am tempted to just walk away, but yet that still small voice is evident in my life. That’s the very reason why I feel frustrated. I want to do what I feel, but God isn’t letting me and keeping me in where my flesh doesn’t want to be.

It’s a battle within. It’s a battle between what my emotions say is best for me and what God says is best for me. What is best for me, doesn’t feel like it. It just feels like pain and all  I see are reminders.-Stephanie

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The Outcome

If you were to ask me, “what are you going to do?” My answer would be, be where God wants me to be. Even though it hurts so much, I don’t want to rebel. I don’t want to lose everything that God has already been doing in my life and I don’t want to start all over.

It’s taken me eight years to be given the opportunities I now have. It’s taken so many tears, breakdowns and moments where I needed to learn to trust God. It’s my time, now. I feel what I feel, but God still loves me and knows my heart.

Though I may have my moments, this remains true:

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.- Psalm 23:6

I have been meditating on this verse since early this morning. Papa reminded me of it and remainder me how good He’s been and will always be with me. Now I need to be good with Him and humble myself before His plans for my life.

I want “to come back home,” and no longer be like the prodigal son who ran away and hit rock bottom. I want to do what He needs me to do and I want to surrender my will and what I don’t want. Because everything that I have not wanted has been hindering everything He has been wanting.

 

It’s just so hard. 

 

“For I hold you by your right hand—
    I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
    ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.”- Isaiah 41:13

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