I just want to hold you. I ran to you like the little girl I am, in your eyes. I threw myself in your arms and tightly I held you. That’s all I want to do; expressing my gratitude for all You have done for me. I am thankful. Though my heart still hurts, You give me strength to wake up each morning and get through the day. Papa I am stepping out of my comfort zone; I can hear how proud You are of me. My story coming forth; a beautiful masterpiece it’s becoming.
I am a giggly child excited about what is coming. I jump up and down clapping my hands at the thought of Your goodness in my life. There is no love like Yours; there is no love like Yours. I adore you, I love you. ❤
Learning To Walk
In my time with Papa, I felt this urge to just hug him. I saw myself like a little girl running to my Father and just wrapping my arms around Him. I am thankful and I am beyond blessed by what He has been doing in my life these past few weeks; since my husband’s death.
I see Him moving around me, I see Him moving in my life… in every thing regarding me. I see how He is using my life to inspire others and at certain times I think to myself… how can it make such an impact on others? When I think something is small, God magnifies it for others to see; to see Him through my life and circumstance.
Lately I have been stepping out of my comfort zone like never before. I am learning to walk on my own with God. I am learning to open myself up to new and exciting things that He is leading me to and the people He is now placing in my life. It’s a season where I cannot stay quiet about what has been going on in my life.
Sometimes I take a small step back to acknowledge everything that is happening in my life and I am in awe. I just think; “Lord, it’s all you!” It really is because I have no idea how I am able to walk with so much peace, strength, courage and confidence, especially since it’s been only a month that my husband went HOME.
I give God all the glory. ❤
It’s A New Day
I found myself reflecting on my life and how I have been given a unique opportunity. A new beginning in my walk with God. I was telling my pastora (pastor’s wife) that I have been given a new opportunity to serve Him.
I have said this before, but the way it sounds is not how I mean it. Now that I have become a widow, I feel free. Free to do what I am supposed to do. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just something that I can’t really explain.
I am free to move. I am free to go where God is leading me. I am free to serve.
That’s the unique thing about it, especially since I never thought I would be a widow at my age.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and said “yes,” to God. I said, “take my broken and put me together the way You see fit.” I said, “here I am, Your will be done.” He took me at my word and has begun His perfect work in my life.
When I Cannot See
In this season of my life, I am like Abram, before he was named Abraham. I find myself tuning my ear into God’s frequency and saying, “yes.” I am slowly stepping out of all that has been so familiar and comfortable for me, into the unknown that He is leading me into.
It’s has been such a struggle. My faith has been tested, but even then I surrendered my life. I have known that God doesn’t need much from us to do something big. He says if we only have faith as small as a mustard seed He can do amazing things.
He has taken my mustard seed and has begun a good work. The biggest struggle has been not knowing where, how or why.
Abram was told to leave his native land, his family; basically everything that hindered him. That’s where I find myself. What I learned is, those places of “comfort,” are not just physical places or things… it can also be emotional things.
For example: I always hid behind isolation. For a long time that was my comfort place; a distorted way of thinking from the enemy. I thought that pushing others or myself way was a safe place. It was a comfort for me so that I wouldn’t confront those difficult things.
In this season God is challenging so many other women to confront such things that they think are comfortable. He is wanting to lead them into the unknown, but where it will be a blessing for them. He is wanting to expand their faith and do great and mighty things in their life, but only if they have that faith to trust Him even when they can’t see the outcome yet.
God will never ask us to leave something that is so familiar to us only to abandon us in the wilderness. On the contrary, He is leading us into something prosperous, something wonderful and that is going to be a huge blessing to us and those around us.
In this season, God is taking all that I thought was insignificant and turning it into something beautiful that He is starting to manifest to others around me. He has been taking me through this unknown and revealing to me so many wonderful things.
Through the death of my husband, God has been calling me out and telling me to get up and walk. Well, walk where? I don’t know. I still don’t know what is going to come out of all that has happened to me. I don’t have all the answers and I definitely do not know where I will end up. I trust Him.
Like Abram, I am being tested. God’s promises cannot come to pass in my life until I fully trust and obey God. Abram would eventually become the “Father of many nations,” but first God has to test him and Abram had to have that faith to obey and go into the unknown.
The Lord said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you.” -Genesis 12:1
I was sharing with a group of women how I used to be. I was opening up about how I used to need to know every single detail before I jumped into it. I needed to know who was going to be there, how to get from here to there and so on.
I needed to plan out everything before doing it. I hid behind my husband. He was my shield in those moments I felt so uncomfortable. But now I felt like I have been pushed to the front line, where I cannot hide behind anything anymore.
I have been fully exposed, but for a reason. I had been such a timid person for so long that God had no choice but to remove that shield in order for me to not have the opportunity to hide. In the midst of this exposure I have had to learn how to trust God. I have also learned how to fight on my own, with Him.
I have had to confront a lot of things that I always just pushed to the side. I am a stronger woman now, I am learning how to stand in the gaps for others and be that fighter God called me to be. I am not a timid woman anymore. I am not an easy target for my enemy anymore.
What God allows to happen is for a reason. It’s never to harm us, but to help us grow.
To this day, I still don’t know why things have happened, but what I do see is that I am growing from it and being used to reach women around me. I am fighting for those who are still trapped and chained by what life has thrown at them.-Stephanie
I am standing in the gap for them and I am not backing down or giving up.
Talking To My Husband
A part of the healing process of my current grieving has been, “talking to my husband,” as if he was here. I know that he isn’t and I don’t do it in a way that isn’t biblical. I am fully aware that he is gone and his spirit isn’t lingering around. I know where he is.
But the thing that has been so hard for me was bot being able to text him or tell him about my day, especially now that I have been working. Last night I was asked to speak at the women’s life group. It was such a blessing for me and a step into what God is leading me to do.
On the drive home I was feeling that urge to talk to him and tell him how it went, so I did. I spoke as if I was directly talking to him and all of a sudden, I felt that he was telling me, “I am proud of you.” In my mind I heard his voice and tears began to form in my eyes.
I know it is God. God is proud of me. I know my husband would be so proud of me and all that I am doing and especially about the woman I am transforming into. There’s still apart of me that hurts and wishes I was more like this when he was still here. Sometimes I am hard on myself and think why did I have to wait until this happen for me to open up to God?
The answer is, some of us are so stubborn and hard headed that we need to go through something like this for God to finally get ahold of us. Even them, some people just rebel. I didn’t want to. I didn’t give myself a choice. I chose to surrender and trust God with my life.
In all honesty, that has helped me in my time of grieving. That’s why others are able to see me go through life with strength, courage, peace and so much more, that it leaves them in awe.
I have heard so many times, “I don’t think I would be as strong as you if I went through something like that…” My response is, what you’re facing might not be as big as what I am going through, but at the moment it’s big in your life… and if you’re able to remain strong in that, then you will be able to stand when something harder comes at you. Everything is just a moment of strengthening for something greater.
In God’s eyes, it’s a big deal. He cares for you and your circumstances.
So am learning how to walk this road of faith; of trust. I am walking into the unknown and I am no longer afraid of it because I know the One who goes before me. The verses below have been such a blessing for my life in this season. I have been learning how good He is how He is the good Shepherd. He leads us on the right path. He protects us from harm and cares for us.
Applying it to my life, I am the lamb, He is my life’s shepherd. He has been leading me into new and exciting things, BECAUSE I HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO. I am not fighting Him anymore because I have fully understood that He is for me and not against me.