I look at myself, not in the physical; in the spiritual. I see myself standing before an open road. I look to the left, I look to the right; even straight ahead. I am filled with confusion, I don’t know which path to take. I cry out to You, You’re the only one who can help me. Alone to decide, I am and I am not sure what to do. You see my heart and know every desire; lead me in the way I am to go so I will not wander in the direction of my own wants. I am anxious, I just want to move. I am scared, too, at the thought of doing it alone. Every tear I have cried, not in vain they are. Lead me, I want to go where You are.

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Not Like Lot

Yesterday, being Monday, marked the finale of a three day conference at our mother church. It was a powerful service which ended in God moving and reigniting the passion in our hearts for what He has for us; for serving Him.

I stood there in the back crying out to God. Ever since all this happened with my husband, I have been more certain that I want to serve God. I want to be used to help women and young girls. It was so evident in my heart that I am meant to, but I am just not sure which path to take or where to start.

As I was standing there, I cried to God and this flowed from my heart without me even thinking about it: “I don’t want to be like Lot. I want to be like Abraham

I was surprised that I said that, let alone thought about it. But I knew it was God, because He knows EVERYTHING; even my thoughts. Lately I had been thinking of where my place is. I have been thinking if I should go, or if I should stay. The things that had me considering moving were things like: “They have it all together. Things are already established there… it will be easy to serve in where you want to serve. Or they are in need of servants/people to help out, surely they will accept you.” 

The things that were making me consider staying were like: “You have the opportunity to begin something new here and establish it… though there is nothing here, there can be.” 

Both had seemed appealing to me, but the last thing I have wanted was to move without God’s guidance and only because of what I don’t or do want to work for; if that makes sense. I want it to be all God and His timing, not me or mine.

The very fact that I cried out those words, that I didn’t want to be like Lot, and wanted to be like Abraham already gives me the answer I am needing; I just need the faith to walk it out… like Abraham did. 

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I Don’t Want The Greener Grass

Lot chose what was appealing to him, out of the selfishness and greed in his heart. He chose the beautiful, the very thing that he didn’t have to work for; everything was set and established. The very place he chose was a place that was filled with so much evil and things not of God; instead of being a blessing to him it actually brought evil upon him… he was influenced.

On the other hand, Abraham chose the overlooked. There was nothing there and it took him faith to be able to see the blessing of the plains. God spoke to him and promised him that he would be tremendously blessed because of his faith, his humility and obedience.

He wanted what God wanted for him even though he couldn’t see it yet and not what he was able to see. That’s where I find myself right now, in this very season of my life. 

Like Abraham, I believe and trust God even though I cannot see where He is leading me to or the blessings yet to come. I don’t even know what to expect, except that I know it’s going to be a blessing for my life.

Image result for i trust you even when i cannot see

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I Still Believe

I haven’t felt so connected to this song, like I do at this very moment. Though I have gone through so much and though it HURTS SO BAD, I can lift my arms and say to God, “I still believe.”  I would be lying if I said I didn’t have questions. I have a lot of questions and still I don’t seem to understand why my husband was taken. Pain and confusion still blur my vision of the bigger picture. I still cry for my husband, because I miss him so much. But through it all, I know God is still good and He is still faithful.

I know that He didn’t allow this to hurt me. I know that for a fact. Like Abraham, I can’t see the blessing, but I have faith that it’s coming they very way He promised it. 

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My heart’s song in this season. (Jeremy Camp lost his first wife years ago. That is where the song was birthed. I have also heard another testimony of Danny Gokey-Tell My Heart To Beat Again who also lost his first wife and how it affected his life. They show me how God restores and how He blesses even when they couldn’t see His plan.) It encourages me. I know this isn’t the end for me. ❤

 

“I Still Believe” by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems I don’t know where to start
But it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see You prepare
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know Your near

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There was a time when I was crying out to God and all I could tell him was help my heart to beat again. This song came to mind and after listening to it, it touched me in a way that allowed me to encounter God like never before. He reminds me:

He is near to the broken hearted. He’s near to those who call on His name. 

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Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

IMG_3546 WHAT YOU ARE FACING; THE LOSS THAT YOU HAVE ENDURED ISN’T WITHOUT PURPOSE. IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO HARM YOU. GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR IT, YOU ONLY NEED TO BELIEVE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE LOVED AND THERE IS A NEW BEGINNING COMING FORTH FOR YOUR LIFE. 

-Love,

Stephanie Ann ❤

 

2 thoughts on “An Open Road-I Still Believe

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