A Girl and Her Journal

My passion for writing started from a place of desperation. It was during the time in my teen life where I felt so lost and alone. With so much to say, I didn’t know how to express it. Depression crept in, cutting began. I was only a teen, a girl who felt unloved. Blade to my wrist, the only pain I could control. I sought help, to a counselor I was taken to, but nothing seem to help. Every Monday, science class I would miss. It was in that moment, my love for writing began. What I couldn’t express with my counselor, I was able to share in my journal. I have always said, I say it again, the paper always knew me better than any person could.

Being Transparent

It’s time. Time to share my story. Depression comes like a thief in the night. The signs are there, but few recognize. It was so with me. I have always dealt with depression, like many have and continue to.

There are many things that can cause it, but it’s mostly formed in the mind. That’s where it begins. The thoughts of being unloved, unworthy, unaccepted, no good and so on were what sparked it in my life, not to mention the way things were at home. Less than perfect, I am sure I am not the only one.

With all honesty and transparency, I have felt this way a couple days ago. Things in my life and being so disconnected has left me feeling so helpless and desperate; feeling like nothing is going to get better. It’s suffocating. It’s made me feel anxious…

Crying Out To God

because he says… “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28

Yes, with tears down my cheeks and ready to throw in the towel… I have cried out. I have thrown myself at His feet, questioning His reasons as to why things are the way they are. But all I can hear Him say is, “So I can be glorified.” It may seem unfair for Him to say that, but I know exactly what He means. All I can do is say, “Ok.” I cannot fight His plans.

In my walk with God, there have been many obstacles. There have been many times I have felt tempted to lash out, but because I knew I was loved it shielded me from any kind of lies trying to get me to fall back into that self harming life.

He has taken upon him all my worries. He has taken upon Him all my pain because He cares for me…all so that I may find rest and strength in Him.-Stephanie

Freedom Comes By Humbling Yourself

is what I have learned.

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.-1 Peter 5:7-10

“We can read these verses and then wonder why things are allowed in our life, the things that hurt us and leave us wondering what’s going on, but we are only seeing it through our own eyes, our eyes of pain and desperation. We forget to see things through His eyes. After all, He is the one who sees things from the beginning all the way to the end.”-Stephanie

Only God knows why we go through what we do, and the reasons for it.

Maybe it’s to bring you closer to Him. To set you free from the things that keeps you in bondage. To strengthen you because there is something greater He is wanting to give you. There are many reasons as to why…

To be honest, I still struggle with fully trusting Him and what is being done in my life. I am human and far from perfect. We all are.

Let me tell you this: You’re not alone in your suffering. You’re not the only one who is going through it. I have been there, I know what it’s like. But there is someone who has seen every single tear, every single cut; all your pain and wants nothing more than to set you free.

Let Go Of Pride

To receive the freedom you need, starts by first acknowledging you need help. It’s humbling yourself to admit it. Pride takes many forms, and the most popular one is the,

“I am ok.”

If that were the case, you wouldn’t be isolated, feeling the way you feel and so on. 

This kind of pride, “denial,” comes from a place of insecurity; it keeps people at a distance because we are afraid to let others in and see the “mess” we are in. I learned this from a friend, we are not a mess when were are going through something.

We are human created to lean on and need God. We definitely have feelings and emotions. While it’s ok to feel what we feel, we shouldn’t stay there. Remember this:

There is freedom in humility. There is freedom in surrender. There is freedom, together. 

 

This Is Me

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“I have always been one to build up a wall and push people out. It has always been my so called “safe place,” until the day God opened my eyes and revealed to me the damage I was doing and the danger of it. All I was doing was enclosing myself alone, with all the torment and struggles and at the same time I was keeping people out; the very people who could help me overcome depression & isolation. I was so worried about them seeing me as not capable or inadequate. It was pride. It was insecurity.  I didn’t want to admit and confess my struggles. With opening up, I have learned there are many caring people who are there for me. I have learned to trust God and others with my pain and hurt, instead of trying to do it alone. In doing so, I have gained the strength to get back up and keep going. In doing so I have not had to fight alone. In doing so I have been the best version of me… and in doing so, my life is not like how it used to be and those temptations are gone.”-Stephanie

My name is Stephanie and I am no longer a slave to depression or self harm .

I am free. 

 

My Heart’s Song

8 thoughts on “A Girl and Her Journal

  1. My love…. wow! Admittedly I’ve read many many of your blog posts but never have I felt such awe with it that I had to take a deep breath. Thank you for sharing and always for being so transparent, especially when it’s the most difficult thing for you to do! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow this is nice to read knowing you know the love of God through your circumstances. Keep pouring your heart out, someone is definitely going to be healed. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your story! A couple months ago I shared my story of self-harm, depression, and letting God in on my blog and I remember it being such a scary moment. Thank you for your vulnerability and humility. People need to hear your story because you never know who it will touch. Keep sharing your love for the Lord and your wisdom!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. That’s exactly how I felt, scared. I was worried about what people would say, but the response I have been getting has been amazing. It definitely confirms I was suppose to share it. People do need to know they are not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

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