Today, Sunday, I woke up feeling alone. Though my husband is near, I see him hurting and deep down I don’t know how to help him. Emotionally I am checked out, the only way to guard myself… to escape the what is. There are times I feel like the only wife going through such things, but I know that’s not true. I am not alone in this battle, I am not alone in this struggle. We are not alone.
I have learned that what we go through is not in vain, but to help others going through it, but I’ve yet to encounter them. There are times I feel like we go through this for no reason-that’s what makes it hard. Ashamed & embarrassed I feel for opening up, scared of what others may think of me for having such thoughts or feelings…but they forget, I am human too.
To think the way I’ve been, is to think God isn’t faithful & I’ve experienced his faithfulness time and time again.
A marriage like this, I can say, I never imagined. Since the first day it’s been a struggle with my husband’s health. Trips to the hospital, sleepless nights and just watching him go through this & not being able to make it go away… helpless.
I’ve wanted out. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Emotions raged from both sides. I have felt pushed away because what he was feeling. I’ve felt second to his health and what he was going through. I felt disconnected from him. I wanted out.
I have kicked and screamed many times, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I have yelled out to God, reminding Him this wasn’t what I wanted. We are still going through this desert.
I have walked down a road, a temporary escape from my reality. I was being selfish. I was running away from my role, my responsibility. I was thinking I knew what was better for me, than God.
Yet, I am still here… He has given me the strength to overcome. He has given me the assurance that this will not last forever. He has given me the heart to love my husband past the circumstance, I have been renewed. For I know deep down this is where I belong. I know deep down my husband is God’s best for me. I just needed to believe that. For where we currently are, is not God’s final destination for us or our marriage. He has used all this to mold us, shape us and teach us so many things.
I still struggle, I am still tempted to do what I think is best for me, but that still small voice inside keeps me on track.
I am not alone. We are not alone.-…The Heart Of Grace
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.-2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)
Speaking as a Wife.
I’ve been silent about my feelings with what I am going through, with my struggles in my marriage, for a long time. This is actually the first time I speak out as a wife and directing my message to other wives/marriages. I am learning to step out of my comfort zone in all aspects. I feel bold. I feel brave. I feel courageous.
Ashamed and embarrassed I have felt, because I’ve believed no one would understand or no one else was going through similar things. I kept feeling alone. Feeling helpless.
I open myself up now because I believe there are so many other couples facing similar things. Another wife watching her husband in pain or the husband watching his wife in pain… both feeling helpless or alone. Whether family in Faith or not, you’re not alone.
For a long time, I kept asking God for forgiveness, believing that what we are going through was a consequence of what we might have done. That He allowed all this pain and suffering on us because we did something wrong, or that we got married at the wrong time… I even asked my husband to ask for forgiveness if it was something that he did.
It has nothing to do with anything like that, what we are going through. What we are going through right now is making way for God to manifest who He is. He has already done so. I still have my husband with me, when the Dr. told him he wouldn’t live past Thanksgiving, that was a few years ago.
Being vulnerable has never been a comfortable thing for me. I have always been known to hide things so deep within me. That’s not the case this time. I want to be open. I want to share my story in hopes of helping others and letting them know they are not alone. To help the wife who is being tempted to walk away.
While I may be struggling, my husband is the one going through it.
Because of selfishness in my heart and the mentality of “what I want,” kept me blinded from seeing and understanding that my husband was the one going through it, physically. I failed to tend to his needs and help him the way a wife should have. I pushed him away because I didn’t know how to be there for him. I was not used to anything like this.
My husband has been diagnosed with: Congestive heart failure: which then led for him to receive a defibrillator implant, because his heart isn’t functioning properly. Diabetes. Kidney failure, retaining fluid in his body.
I would have walked away from him while he’s going through all of that.
The Role of a Wife.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”-Genesis 2:18
I am far from being that helper that is “just right,” but my heart is open and willing to learn. That’s what matters.-Stephanie
#1: Be a helper to your husband: in all circumstances.
When my husband and I were getting married, I remember the vows we made to each other and none of them were, “I promise to be there for you, only when things are good and only in health.” No, I promised my husband, before God that I would be there for him through, sickness and health. Yes, I had to be reminded of those vows a few times to help me escape the selfishness in my heart. A wife is to be the helper, is to be there for her husband. To help him overcome what he is facing. I know he is there for me when I need him.
Wife, the man next to you, if God led you to them, he is God’s best for you, even though the circumstance is not. Know that it will not last forever. It’s only a season, a walk through the desert. Your promised land is soon to come. Don’t give up.-Stephanie
#2: Respect your husband: It’s the only way the two of you will rise above the storm. For you are no longer two separate people, but one flesh.
So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.-Ephesians 5:33
I sadly admit that I have failed in this area in my role as a wife. Coming into my marriage I had the worldly mentality of what a husband should be and how things were to go. When I didn’t see in my husband what I wanted, the respect level dropped. I saw him as incapable, I saw him as, “weak.” I was rude and disrespectful. I constantly made known to him my disapproval. What I failed to see was how it was knocking him down, instead of building him up. Words have power, thoughts have power. I was beginning to see the affect of those words and thoughts in my husband. It seemed like life was being sucked out from him.
God got ahold of my heart and my mind. He set me free from the old ways and opened my eyes to see what I was doing. I began seeing my husband the way God does and began speaking words of life. I changed the way I approached him and have been there for him. I see my husband as strong, brave, courageous… why? Because he hasn’t let what he is going through keep him from serving God. I see his faithfulness and determination. Honestly, it’s been a testimony for my own life.
Changing the way you view the obstacle in front of you determines what kind of attitude you will have, even when things are still the same.-Stephanie
#3: Love your husband– in those moments when loving him seems to be most difficult.
Coming from worldly relationships to my very first and only Godly relationship was the most difficult transition in my life. After many years of broken relationships and brokenness, I never knew how to really love. I never knew what true intimacy was, let alone give it. My husband and I have been together for almost seven years, but only married a little over a year. To this day I am still learning how to open up and show him my love. We have been learning new ways of intimacy, especially sexually. This is where I truly open up about sex.
My husband and I waited until we got married. We did everything right. So I thought that things were going to be great the moment we got married. Sexual intimacy with my husband has been a challenge, due to his health. This is where I really had a hard time and became angry with God. I always had in my heart, “Why have you allowed this when for 6 years we waited on you?!” That was the attitude of my heart which led me to lose love for my husband. I thought love was just sex. In the midst of all this, God taught me how to be affectionate. He taught me how to show my love for my husband in other ways. He taught me how to be intimate without sex. I am still learning, and have a ways to go, but I am no longer angry. I have accepted the reality, but I know things will get better. For it’s God’s will for husband and wife to experience full intimacy within a marriage.
#4: Submit to the leadership of your husband
A rebellious heart and a prideful attitude is the opposite of a wise wife.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.-Colossians 3:19
Changing the way I see my husband and our current circumstance has helped me submit to him. God removed the old mentality and replaced it with His. He’s opened my eyes and helped me understand the order in a marriage. The husband in the head, the one God speaks through and moves through. Something out of order cannot function properly, meaning a wife who is rebellious and is stuck in her own ways is out of order and hinders the blessings that are meant for the marriage. I learned this the hard way.
Being submissive to your husband doesn’t not mean the husband is the “boss,” and that they dominate over the wife. No, it means that you respect your husband’s guidance and judgment and leadership for your marriage.
I struggled so much in this, I felt I needed to take up the role because I felt my husband wasn’t doing what he was supposed. I felt hindered and stuck. Me trying to take up his role only left me stressed, worried, anxious and angry all the time. I was picking up a burden that wasn’t mine. I had to learn my place as wife and what my role was. The moment I backed off, is when I noticed my husband took his. There is more order in our marriage and because of that God has been moving in mighty ways.
Being a submissive wife doesn’t mean you lose your rights, or have no say, it’s knowing when to speak, knowing when to act, and knowing when to move. She is led in wisdom and her actions become a blessing and not a hindrance. -Stephanie
A perfect wife, there is no such thing. Where we fail, God strengthens us. Looking to him and seeking his guidance we become the wife He has called us to be, whatever that looks like differs from the roles of others. Love your husband the way God leads you. Submit to him however it is fitting to God. Help him any way you can and do it with a humble heart. For a woman who treats her husband with respect, is one who has a heart for God.
I shared this from my heart. I opened myself up to help others and to let them know they are not alone. God sees what you’re facing and has the solution. Run to him.
For the wife who is tempted to run away, thinking she could find comfort in another, you will not find what you’re seeking outside of God. Do not run away.
I speak from experience. I was close to walking away. I had fallen into a lie, but God kept me from walking into that pit. I chose to listen to God. Because of that I received a word from Him, one that I shared in my previous post: His Faithfulness
“I am pleased because you have chosen to hear my voice. I am pleased because you have decided to obey me. A glorious door is about to be opened, one that you didn’t imagine would be so close to opening.”-God
I believe that is the same for you. We are never given more than we can handle. The victory is just around the corner. Do not give up.